


Shared Lips

by Saphirott



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Extramarital Affairs, Hurt Jensen, Jealousy, Lies, M/M, Past Relationship(s), References to Supernatural (TV), Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-08-04 13:01:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 76,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16347212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saphirott/pseuds/Saphirott
Summary: Five years is a long time. Everything they shared ended when the series did, even though they had actually done it before. Different states, different jobs, everything is easier when you don't see the other person. But... what if that changes? What if your life is different now?Based on Mana's song "Labios Compartidos" and some other personal experience.





	1. Rupture

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Labios compartidos](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6922030) by [Saphirott](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saphirott/pseuds/Saphirott). 



> Hello!
> 
> It's been a while, but here I am again with the translation of one of my stories. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Spanish and therefore I write all my stories in Spanish. After Instinct, this is my second attempt with a translation. I hope my English has improved a bit since then. Still, I apologize in advance for possible mistakes in spelling and grammar. 
> 
> I hope you like it.

Shared Lips  
By: Saphirott

Chapter 1: Rupture

 

Jensen sighed in relief when he finally found himself in front of the door of his house. He had been shooting in New York for almost a month for an action-and-intrigue film in which he played a persevering lawyer determined to defend at all costs the innocence of his client accused of some crimes not committed. The shooting had been long, but everyone was very satisfied with the results and he counted on it to be a major boost to his film career.

 

Once inside, he was surprised by the silence that reigned there. By the time it was, already there should be people at home, at least JJ who would have left school by now. He took a brief walk around the house with a distracted glance, hoping to find his little girl entertained in some corner, although it was absurd, there was no sign of the nanny either. Maybe they were taking a walk. that Dan wasn't here was to be expected, lately she seemed to stop little at home.

 

Tired and obviously alone, he dropped himself on the living room armchair rubbing the bridge of his nose absently, after having left the keys and the mobile on the table. After a moment and without noticing he was asleep, so he was startled to hear the sound of bags and packages unattended on the table at his back. He turned half asleep looking for the source of the sound, facing Danneel who was looking at him with a serious gesture as she stripped off his gloves and coat.

 

“At last you appear...” Jensen closed his eyes for a second as he breathed a small sigh. He had just come home and they were going to argue. He was confused, He didn't know how or how they had gotten there, but lately it was the only thing they were doing.

 

“Honey, I'm tired, I just got there. Please, let's not argue, okay?”. He said in a conciliatory tone and with a pleading look towards his wife who stood upright, with one hand resting on the back of one of the chairs and who continued to look at him seriously. Jensen approached her, covering with his hand the one she had on the chair in an affectionate attempt at reconciliation, but she withdrew as soon as she felt his contact, moving several steps away from him, who looked at her now confused.

 

“I'm sick of, Jensen..., I'm sick of with being here alone waiting for the day you want to come...” Danneel was raising the tone a little more and more. Jensen stood still, not knowing very well what that was all about. 

“What are you saying? I was working Dan, and I've come every time I've had a free momento,” he answered as calmly as he could, he didn't want that discussion to go any further. She just snorted incredulously while she crossed her arms in disdain.

“Do you think I don't miss being at home with you and JJ? I love you! Fuck! You know how this job is...”. Now he was the one who was starting to raise his voice. She had been an actress, agreed that she left it some time after the baby was born, but he hadn't asked her to do it, it was her decision. She had no right to claim to be home alone while he worked. What did she want? To leave his job?

“I don't care about Jensen, I don't care about your justifications anymore. I don't want this anymore, to be home alone for months...”. Jensen stared at her astonished, a disturbing idea crossed his mind, awakening a slight sensation of panic. 

“Dan, what's going on? What's all this about? Where's the girl?”

The woman lowered her apparently nervous gaze, letting out a sigh, and then lifted it up again with determination, facing the green eyes of her husband, who looked at her inquisitively and fearfully. 

“JJ is with my parents, she's been there a week. I've been talking to a lawyer, he's preparing the divorce suit, as soon as the papers are ready he'll send them to you. I would beg you to sign them and let's get it all over with at once”. His voice reached Jensen's ears like an echo, dry and hard, causing something inside him to break.

 

“Dan... What are you saying? Honey... Please... We have to talk about this...” That exact moment is the one that chose his mobile to start ringing, Jensen mechanically approached to see who it was, gaining a new furious look from his wife, when he realized, he rejected the call without looking at the sender. “Dan, I'm sorry. Let's talk...”

 

“There's nothing to talk about. You have your career and I, I want other things...”. Jensen raised an eyebrow at his wife's last words. 

“Are you with anyone?”, he asked.

“You have no right to complain to me," she shouted offended.

“What do you mean? I'm not cheating on you with anyone.” Jensen was furious now. Furious and hurt.

“I'm not going to argue with you anymore, nor am I going to justify myself to you. You are the father of my daughter and I love you for that, but I don't want to share my life with you anymore and there's no more to talk.”

All Jensen's anger turned into pain, pain for having lost his family without knowing how. He felt a growing discomfort for moments in his head, he looked incredulously at Danneel without even knowing what to say. She held his gaze in an arrogant tone but also reflected pity. How dare she look at him with pity? The sound of the telephone appeared again, breaking the duel of glances. Danneel took the opportunity to get her things and start leaving the room.

“It'll be Eric..., he's been calling for days,” she commented as she was leaving. “And Jensen..., I'd prefer you to stay in a hotel...”. When the words reached his stunned brain, he was again alone in the living room. He took the keys and the cell phone without even looking at it and walked to the door picking up the same suitcase on the way with which he had arrived only a few hours ago. Half an hour later he was at the Westin Austin reception waiting for the key to his room.

 

He dropped heavily on the strange bed, he was more than used to spending long stays in hotels and caravans, but on this occasion it became really strange, perhaps because he knew that he would probably no longer occupy his own. He closed his eyes tired, trying to analyze everything that had happened. He loved Danneel, although it was not the love he had felt for her in the beginning, it had turned into affection, she had also given him a beautiful daughter, just for that, he couldn't stop loving her. Maybe he shouldn't have married her, maybe if everything had been otherwise...

“You're wandering Jensen, that's all over” A tear was running down his cheek now. “You wanted a family and you've got it, but now you've lost it. Stupid cretin...” He turned on the bed hugging his knees, trying to make himself as small as he felt right now. The damned noise of the telephone brought him back again when he had almost managed to fall asleep and forget everything for a while.

He reluctantly extended his arm to pick it up from the bedside table, and without even looking, he unhooked his handset and carried it to his ear. “Jensen?”. A male voice and question came to him from the other side of the line. 

“Yes..." he said as the only answer. The voice sounded him, but he couldn't locate it at that moment. 

“Jensen, dude! At last! I'm Eric...” the voice sounded jovial and somewhat hyperactive. He remembered Danneel's words: "Eric's been calling all week.”

 

“Eric... How long…”. He was surprised, He hadn't heard from him in almost five years, since Supernatural ended.

“Yes, I'm sorry... We haven't had much contact. How are you doing? You sound worried," he asked with a sincere interest.

“No..., nothing, I'm fine. I'm just tired, I just got back from New York”. He wasn't going to tell his problems to others either.

“Oh, yes... I saw about your last movie. It looks good, I hope it goes well at the box office. Hey, I don't want to look heavy, I was just calling to propose something.”

“You say...”, he said as he sat on the edge of the bed listening curiously.

“Look, it's been five years since the end of the show and still the fandom is very active thanks to the repositions and so on. The network has proposed to have a convention in two months, with a big tribute party. We would like you all to be there and well, I just wanted to ask you if you would be interested.”

Jensen was thoughtful for a moment, absent-mindedly biting his lower lip. On the other side of the line, Eric patiently waited for the answer. 

“Is Jared going?”. he asked in a whisper. 

“We called him a couple of days ago..., he says he'll only go if you do too”. A smile appeared on Jensen's face as he licked with his tongue the mark of his teeth on his lip, which he had apparently clenched too tightly while waiting for his friend's reply. 

“All right... get in touch with my agent to balance the dates, okay? I have some things pending.”

 

“That's great! Thank you very much, without you this wouldn't be the same. I'll call Jared. Another thing..., I have a project for you, I'm still finalizing details, but I'll have it ready for the convention. Think about it... See you later!”. He practically didn't even have time to say goodbye, the always accelerated producer hung up without he being able to ask him what that project was. Anyway... he'd find out.

He thought of Jared, it had been a long time since the last time they met. His friend had moved to Los Angeles almost three years ago, although they were in constant contact for a long time, in the end, he had been limited to Christmas greetings and a few calls for birthdays, especially for children.

He missed him, they had shared many things, more than he had ever thought. It was a pity, another thing to recriminate himself today in case he didn't already have enough. He thought about calling him, but he was ashamed, they hadn't spoken in months and he wasn't going to call him now to tell him about his problems, it wasn't fair. They would see each other soon, maybe then.

******

 

The next two months were a burden for Jensen, he came between work, hotels and appointments of lawyers trying to solve the divorce agreements. At first he tried several times to talk to Danneel, try to convince her that they could fix things and be a family again, but she didn't give in to twisting her arm, moreover, she had intensified her demands to terms that no longer seemed reasonable to him. 

He tried by all means not to let all this come to light, he only lacked the harassment of the media and more with the imminent release of the film, but he did not believe that he could keep it hidden for a long time. He was thinking about all this while he was packing one more time, he was already an expert, in a few hours he would be taking the flight to Vancouver and that convention. Now, he had doubts as to whether he had done well in accepting.

******

In Los Angeles, Jared was also packing his bags. With his always jovial character, he was encouraged by the trip despite the consequences it had brought on his family life. Gen and he had gone through a major bump in their relationship, with effort on both sides and some couple therapy, everything seemed to be back on track, although he felt that, deep down, everything was still just grabbed by tweezers.

When he told her, excited about the convention proposal, he never expected his wife to take it so badly. 

“It's only going to be three days, four with the trip. It will be great to see everyone again," he said with sincere emotion in his voice. She didn't say anything, she kept her expression gloomy as she put piles of clothes in the closet. He approached from behind circling her waist and kissing her neck gently.

“Don't be angry, please... why don't you like it?”, he asked in a low voice.

“I don't understand why this is happening now. It's been five years since the show ended. You should promote your latest work and forget about that show, it doesn't suit you, as your career is going now that producers remember you did work like this.” 

Jared split up looking at his wife, astonished. “What are you talking about? Supernatural is the series that made me famous, for which I'm here now. I could never deny it, moreover, I am proud to have been a part of it. And I'm sorry if any producer thinks it's wrong, this is what I am”. The brunette looked at him with disdain as she continued to sort the clothes. 

“Is Jensen going?”

“Of course Jensen's going, what's that got to do with anything?”. The brunette snorted annoyingly as she closed a drawer and then left the room without saying a word while he was still confused in the room. His wife didn't speak to him for two days, although he had decided not to give in to those infantile outbursts to which she had been so given lately.

 

After two months the subject had been parked and it seemed that, even forgotten, everything until he was ready to prepare the suitcase, when the gesture of his wife turned dark again. 

“What's the matter with you? We're not going to argue about this again, are we?,” he asked in a tired tone. She remained silent but finally approached the bed where all the clothes were ready helping him to put them in the suitcase. Jared put his arms around her as he kissed her hair. “Thank you...”, whisper, “I don't want us to be angry...”. She let herself be hugged for a while and then undo the hug and continue with the suitcase. Jared was leaving for the airport a couple of hours later.

******

After three more hours of flight he landed at Vancouver airport. He was suddenly assaulted by a lot of memories. He had spent a very important part of his life there and nostalgia came without warning, saddening his countenance a little. After picking up his suitcase he headed for the exit where someone was supposed to be waiting for him to pick him up. What he didn't expect was to meet Jensen.

 

His friend was standing next to a man in uniform carrying a sign with his name on it. When his eyes met, a wide smile appair the older man's face. Jared returned the gesture accelerating the step with open arms. Happiness invaded his body only to see his friend realizing how much he had missed him.

Both fused in a strong and sincere hug, excited and happy for the reunion. Fleeting images of another hug passed through Jensen's mind, one long before. One who, remembering it today, made him separate in awe from his friend, thanking whoever was up there because Jared didn’t seem to notice.


	2. Reunion

Chapter 2: Reunion

 

“How are you, dude?” Jared's voice sounded excited as they followed the driver through the long corridors of the airport. With one hand he pulled the wheeled suitcase he was carrying while, with his free arm, he wrapped his friend's shoulders, giving him small pulls, which made the blond stagger, who let himself be amused, start to fear that in one of those he would end up on his face on the ground. 

“Come on, let me go!.” He replied, laughing, stirring and finally getting rid of the bear hug to which he was subjected. “Five minutes with you and you're going to get me killed.... I'm fine, can't you see me?” He said with a sneer and a photo pose, making the chestnut laugh, looking at him exaggerating a gesture of astonishment and admiration. 

“You're divine! Amazing! I'm dying!... you'll see the fans when they see you.” 

 

The two of them burst out laughing again after Jensen pushed him with an offended false gesture. Jared wiped away the tears of laughter as they climbed the huge black SUV that the production company had made available to him. “God! How I missed this...” He commented with laughter, wiping his face a little reddened by the effort to laugh, and in which those characteristic dimples, the product of a dazzling smile, at least in Jensen's eyes, made their presence felt. The blonde agreed with him with a somewhat melancholy smile. 

“Yes, I missed it too...”, the elder's expressive green eyes traveled erratically across the younger's face until they met his friend's greys where they seemed to get lost. Jared's eyes became dubious, his gesture questionable. Embarrassed Jensen turned his gaze to the window while he felt his friend's eyes still on him. For a few minutes, as the car drove through the city's busy streets, there was an uncomfortable silence. 

 

Jensen felt stupid. Stupid because he was being carried away by memories that were already buried, yes, buried by mutual agreement. Past times that were not going to return because they had decided so. 

"I knew I shouldn't have come. Not now that I'm not well” 

He was in a vulnerable moment and he knew it, he was sorry not to be able to carry all that and somehow compromise Jared, there was no way he could do that. He had no right. 

“Are you okay, Jen?”. He heard his friend's worried voice. Closed his eyes for a moment, recovering from the chills that had run down his back when he heard him use that diminutive to call him. Sighing he turned to him again, forcing a smile that pretended to be carefree but he was sure he wouldn't deceive Jared, the person who had known him best. 

 

“I'm just tired and a little excited, it's been a long time since I was here, I didn't think I missed it so much.” Jared smiled peacefully, lowering his head a little and making the fringe fall carelessly on his forehead. 

“Yes, you're right. It happened to me when I got to the airport. Really, are you all right?... Dan, the girl?”

Jensen stirred uncomfortably in the seat, looking away from the questioning eyes of his friend who was still looking at him worried. 

“I know we haven't seen each other in a while, but I thought we were still able to tell each other everything.” The older man blushed whit his friend's words, fixing his gaze on the mobile phone that turned absently in his hands, avoiding looking at him. 

“Yes, we do..., I will. Let me just get a little used to being here. We'll have a drink, okay?” 

 

He sincerely hoped to appease his friend's curiosity and buy time. He was sure it would do him good to talk to him, but he was embarrassed to admit the failure that his life had now become, and he was hopeful that with the mess of the party and convention activities he would be able to avoid that conversation. Jared nodded his head. “Ok, we'll have a drink...”

 

A few minutes later they arrived at the door of the hotel, small groups of fans were already crowded in the surroundings under the watchful eye of the private security teams hired by the production company. The two looked at each other smiling. “Ready?,” asked Jared. The blonde nodded amusingly. “Let's go there!” 

They both got out of the car and after an accomplice look they went to the fences where people were crowded despite the fact that the clear intention of the security team was for them to enter the hotel directly. 

 

For a while, they signed autographs, took photos and talked to those people whom they sincerely thanked for remaining faithful to the show and to them after all these years. When they finally entered to the hotel they both felt happy and satisfied. One of the stewardesses led them to one of the rooms where almost everyone who had formed that great family for so long was already gathered. 

 

Hugs, smiles, then comments, now questions. Everyone trying to catch up with each other until Eric and the network president interrupted the conversations with a short welcome speech and announcing what the weekend program would be. After that the producer looked for them and separated them from the others. 

 

“Guys, it’s so good to see you!”. He first greeted everyone with an effusive and sincere embrace that corresponded in the same way. “Tomorrow I want a meeting with the two of you. I will not take no for an answer," he smiled, "I have a project that you cannot refuse.” 

 

The two looked at each other funny, the producer continued as they remembered, with that vivid and hyperactive character, almost seemed to refrain from making small jumps while talking to them. “Do you intend to take advantage of us when we're drunk after the party?” Jensen asked mockingly. 

“That's the idea!” The other answered in a mischievous way, hitting the arms of the boys to say goodbye. “Tomorrow! at 12 o'clock!” He told them as he went away looking for others. 

 

After a while everyone retired, people were tired, almost everyone had travelled from afar and the party organized by the chain for the night was long in anticipation. It was better to spend those hours resting for a while. Jensen and Jared said goodbye at the door of their adjoining rooms. 

“See you later...”

“Of course...”

 

Jared fell on the bed, tired. It hadn't been such a long journey, but the joy of meeting everyone and the nostalgia that at times had assailed him were making an impact on him. And in addition, there was Jensen..., the emotion he felt when he saw him standing there at the airport had surprised him. He was confused, he really considered everything to be over, he hadn't even thought about it in a long time, but after feeling the look of his friend in the car, a shadow of doubt assaulted him. 

 

He dismissed the idea that it was surely only a product of having been reproducing situations from the past all day long. They had their families and they were happy, they were friends and nothing more than that united them, it could not be otherwise. He closed his eyes trying to rest for a while.

………6 years earlier……..

What's going on, Jay? asked Jensen, worried at the sad gesture of his friend, sitting next to him on the huge couch that presided over the living room of the house they had shared for a long time. Jared remained with his head bowed, his legs folded up on the seat. The blond man stroked his thigh in a gesture that tried to reassure him and let him know he was there. “What's the matter?”

 

“Nothing..., I just thought...”, he whispered without looking at him. 

“Ehh..." said the blond as he pushed his chin to make it look at him. Slowly, he bowed his head towards the chestnut, depositing a tender kiss to which the other did not respond. He tried again and got the same answer. “Jay?” His inquisitive green eyes searched for those of the other who kept avoiding him. When he tried to bring the palm of his hand to his face, the chestnut got up abruptly, leaving him still seated and surprised. 

 

Jared began to walk from side to side of the room visibly nervous, rubbing his hands until he chose to put them in the pockets of the hoddie he was wearing. Jensen followed him with a look that was a mixture of surprise and concern. 

“We have to get this over with," he said at last in a low, broken voice. 

“What are you talking about?” Jensen sounded incredulous, but he felt like little waves of panic running down his back, knowing without wanting to, what his friend was talking about. 

“Of all this...”. He gestured with his hand, covering the space between them. “Of us, of what is ours.”

His whole body was tense, Jensen could see his tight jaw, as well as his thin lips, closed until he almost became white from the pressure. The grey eyes seemed cold, fixed on the table in front of the couch without wanting to look at him. 

“Did I do something? Did I bother you with something? Jared, I don't understand anything.” He doesn't want his voice to shake, but he wasn't having any success. Jared breathed a tired sigh and shook his head. “So then?” 

Jensen was still on the couch, he wanted to get up, shake to the chestnut, demand him that tell him what was going on, but he felt that if he did, his legs wouldn't hold him, he was only able to wait and eat himself up inside. 

 

Jared walked slowly until he sat down again with his partner, leaning against the backrest and closing his eyes. Jensen was beginning to get tired of the silence and that he don’t look at him, he felt how the fear of the beginning began to turn into anger. At that moment Jared decided to talk. 

 

“Do you think we could go on with this for a long time?”. Jensen was again surprised by the question. 

“I don't know, at the moment we're doing it, aren't we?,” replayed annoyed, “As far to what I belived, we were fine. I didn't set a date, what do you want me to tell you...”

Jared sighed again. 

“Jen, with our careers it's not something we can afford. If all this were known, everything would be ruined.” 

“But what are you saying? We already knew all this, we decided to keep it that way and see how far we could go.” Jensen's tone was rising at times, indignant at his friend's new attitude.

“Maybe I didn't think about it as much as I should have..." he said, now looking at the blond with a sad expression. Jensen was speechless, not knowing what to say, he wanted to hit him, to hit him to return the damage he was doing to him. 

“Don't you want to have children, Jen?”

Jensen snorted, it was getting so absurd that he could laugh if it wasn't because it wasn't even fucking funny.

“I don't know, I hadn't thought about it. I suppose so. But this is absurd, Jared, don't make excuses for me that we could solve in due course. We could adopt if it were the case.” 

“I want my own children... and I'm sure you'll want them too...” Jared's voice sounded tired now. Jensen closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose with a dejected gesture. 

“Don't do this to me...” 

Jared got up slowly and approached his partner. In a slow gesture he brought his hand to the blond's head, sliding it to the back of his neck, which he caressed lovingly. He leaned over him and kissed his hair. 

“Just think about it..., I'm sorry...”, he whispered in a low, sad tone, then walked away, leaving a confused and aching Jensen on the couch. 

……….Now……….

Jared awoke startled by the sound of the telephone, Jensen's image occupying the screen creating some confusion in his mind that still remained imbued with the memories that the dream had brought him. A feeling of guilt still enveloped him, making him answer in a fearful voice. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, dude! It's me. Are you ready?”. On the other side of the line there was silence. “Don't tell me you're sleeping. They wait for us in twenty minutes,” his friend's voice sounded jovial and funny, returning to the present, the one in which they were waiting for a party, the one so far away from where his mind had been lodged for the last few hours. 

“Yes, I'm sorry. I fell asleep... Give me a moment, okay? Will you wait for me?.” he asked as he got up on the way to the bathroom to take a shower. 

“Of course, give me a call when you're there. Don't be long...” he said goodbye in the same funny tone. 

It didn't take Jared more than ten minutes to shower and ten minutes to adjust the tuxedo required for the occasion, he tried to adjust the bow tie when he was startled by a few knocks on the door, with two strides of his long legs he was in front of it opening it and going back to the mirror to continue his fight with that devilish accessory, without even looking who it was. 

“You look very well. The tuxedo always looked great on you.”

His friend's deep voice came from his back and a second later he could see it in the reflection of the polished glass. He couldn't help but swallow dry in front of the image. Jensen with his impeccable black tuxedo, with some shine on the flap, the collar of his shirt perfectly adjusted, his smile highlighting white and perfect as always causing those small wrinkles around his green and shiny eyes. 

“Thank you... you look very well too," he replied timidly as he continued his fight, which was getting worse and worse as it was now aggravated by the trembling of his hands. 

“Do you need help?”, asked the blonde with irony. Jared dropped his arms at his sides, surrendering as he breathed a loud sigh. 

“Please...” He whispered in shame, turning around until he found himself in front of his friend. 

Jensen lifted his collar from his shirt, pulled out the ribbon, and then put it back in correctly. His fingers slid agile and secure under the attentive gaze of his green eyes. Jared watched him in silence, his mind again lost for a second, returning when he felt his friend's palms tapping on his chest. 

“Ready!” said the blond while he was still reviewing the lapels between his fingers. 

“Ready..." he confirmed. “They're waiting for us at a party...”


	3. Catching up

Chapter 3: Catching Up

The room was packed with people. Everyone moved from side to side in conversation, enjoying the wide variety of drinks that a large group of waiters diligently dispensed. The sides were occupied by enormous rectangular tables filled with appetizers and viands of different types, all of high quality. Of course the producer had not spared in expenses.

When they arrived, all activity seemed to cease, making them feel somewhat ashamed. People applauded their entrance and after a while of hugs and greetings, everyone returned to their place. Soon they were separated again, claimed by one and another, imbued with different conversations, jokes and even some speech.

“Look who we have here!”, Jensen heard exclaim behind his back as hands held firmly to his shoulders. He turned in surprise with a wide smile as he met Misha's cheerful, intense blue eyes, which now squeezed him in a strong, loving embrace.

“Misha! Dude, it's been a long time. You look great”. Jensen's eyes lit up in the presence of his friend, as his hand squeezed the dark man's shoulder affectionately.

“Thank you! You're not bad yourself. A little older, isn't it?”, said the brunette. Both of them laughed at the comment, accepted by Jensen without further ado. “Hey, we're all over there," he commented, pointing to a place at the back of the room with some U-shaped sofas, where small groups were gathered. “Why don't you and Jared come, by the way, where's the giant? I, personally, have had enough of exhibiting myself," he said with a smug gesture, causing the blond to smile again.

“Yes, it will be great! Jared was out there," he commented as he raised his head and glanced around the room. “There!” he exclaimed, pointing his finger at the entrance to the hall. “I'll get him, I'll see you now”. He said goodbye as he walked towards his friend by sorting people out, not being able to avoid being entertained from time to time by someone who wanted to say hello or say something to him. He kindly got rid of each one of them.

Jared stood with his back to him, making a group with five other people who chatted animatedly, although it seemed that he just kept listening politely. He drew their attention by supporting the palm of his hand between his shoulder blades and exerting slight pressure. “Hey, how's it going?”, he asked when he turned to look at him as did the rest of the group. 

The chestnut´s eyes lit up when he saw him. “Jensen, what a surprise," he said with a smile. The blonde gave him back one just like it while he greeted the rest of the group without interest. 

“Gentlemen..., I'm sorry..., I've come to steal you my fríen for some time, I have to tell him a few things...” He apologized and pushed the chestnut's back out of there.

“Thank you..." Jared muttered, smiling at the blonde. I didn't know what to do to get out of there. But I've heard the hottest gossip of the last month," he said with a laugh.

“The boys are hiding there," he pointed his head to the back of the room to indicate the place. “It'll be more fun than entertaining all these people.”

“Of course!” He continued, placing himself behind the blond with his hands resting on his shoulders and pushing him slightly, encouraging him to make way for both.

Jensen felt the warmth of those hands spread all over his body, raising the colour on his cheeks as well. He thanked enormously for the poor lighting in the room. After a moment they distinguished Misha, waving at them towards one of the reserved ones. With a radiant smile they went there. Around a low table, with an assortment of drinks that would make the best liquor store in town tremble, were Misha, Mark, Jeffrey, Jim, Rob and Richard.

Everyone got up and greeted them affectionately, then offered them a place to settle down and, of course, a drink to suit everyone's taste. “The whole troop is here!”. exclaimed Richard, causing laughter throughout the group.

The laughter must have been heard all over the room. Both joked and pushed each other like high school kids. The gestures were happy and relaxed, the tears came to the funny eyes, remembering past situations and jokes made between them. Jensen already noticed pain in the ribs from the effort to laugh and the rest seemed to be in the same condition. The glasses paraded along the table without anyone seeming to care about it, isolated from everything that happened around them the night passed without them noticing.

Little by little, some and others withdrew, promising to repeat the following night, they had to make the most of the weekend. Everyone agreed with that. With a hesitant step and a somewhat alcoholic smile both arrived at the door of their rooms. With the electronic card in his hand, Jared stood motionless staring at his partner. 

“Would you like a last one?.” 

Jensen hesitated for a moment with his hand on the doorknob already open. Something in his head told him it wasn't a good idea, but he couldn't say no. 

“Ok. The last... Come in," he said, entering the room, leaving the door open for his friend to come in. Jared showed a triumphant smile that the blonde couldn't see. He walked in, closing the door behind him, and then walked to one of the armchairs in the room.

On the way he stripped off the jacket and untied the bow tie and then unbuttoned the first two buttons on his shirt with a gesture of relief as he felt the air brushing his skin. Jensen had gone straight to the mini-bar burying his head in it, investigating what he could offer him. “Bourbon?”, he asked, peeking out of the furniture door. 

“Perfect..." replied the other one, now fully settled.

Jensen noticed how he followed him with his gaze as he moved around looking for some glasses to serve the drink, he smiled triumphantly as he also found some ice. When he walked back to where his friend was sitting, the eyes of the tall man met his, they were somewhat fogged, probably the effect of alcohol and sleep, but they still gave off an intensity that made him look away. Jared smiled halfway when he noticed.

Extending his arm he offered him the glass with the drink, the other raised his hand to catch him, apparently touching innocently the fingers of the blond man who promptly withdrew them, looking at him in confusion. What was all this about? He sat down on the armchair in front of him, loosening the bow tie, but still with his jacket on. Crossing his legs and adopting a somewhat defensive posture, he took a long drink of his drink without wanting to cross his gaze with the other.

Jared did not take his eyes off him, a time passed in which neither of the two said anything. Jensen began to feel uncomfortable as reflected in the incessant rocking of his foot. 

“Are you going to tell me what's wrong with you?”. Jared's voice surprised him, making him wince a little. 

“Nothing's wrong with me...”

“You can't lie to me, Jen... I know you too well. Besides, you said you would tell me.”

That diminutive again. 

He wishes what he wouldn't use it, didn't he realize what it was doing to him? Maybe he did, in fact... He’s sure he knew. Why the hell did he does this to him?

“There's nothing to tell," he said in a tone between annoyed and tired, "it's just a few problems.... It doesn't matter, really.”

Jared leaned forward, leaning his elbows on his knees with the glass still in his hands, fixing his gaze even more intensely, if that were possible, on his friend's face.

“Only problems? What problems? Tell me Jen...,” his voice was kind and with a sense of interest, but Jensen was twitching at times. He couldn't! He couldn't be making him feel that way when his whole life was going to the dogs. He sighed tired while rubbing his face with his hand.

“Danneel has asked me for a divorce... JJ has been with my in-laws for almost two months, I've only been able to see her one weekend in all this time.” Jensen stared at a picture on the wall in an attempt to control the tears that threatened to spill. Jared looked at him, surprised and worried about the news and the state of his friend.

“Jen... I... I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting it. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you call me?,” he asked in a sad voice.

“Don't call me Jen..., please...” He asked, closing his eyes, which made some tears escape from his cheeks. Jared looked down a little embarrassed, dropping himself again on the back of the armchair.

“It’s ok. I'm sorry, it just comes out. How are you Jensen?”

The blond man breathed a sigh, shrugging his shoulders with a wry smile.

“And how do you want I to be? Tell me... I'm tired..., frustrated..., angry. Danneel has been cheating on me and now he wants to take every penny out of me by threatening me with custody of my daughter. My life has gone to shit Jared... and the worst thing is that I don't know what I've done wrong.” His voice was an anguished groan, drowned in tears and the emotion that now overflowed once began to speak. “I don't know what I'm going to do, I swear I don't know...”

Jared felt something inside him break when he saw his friend's anguish. He wanted to hug him, comfort him against his chest, but he knew it wouldn't be a good idea. He shouldn't be thinking about it, what was wrong with his head? They were like this because it had been his decision, he forced Jensen to agree to separate, he knew that the blond had agreed to please him, not because he really agreed with the motives he gave him. He swallowed by putting these thoughts aside to focus again on his friend.

He stretched out his hand to the blond's knee, squeezing it affectionately. 

“Listen to me, you're not to blame for anything. You're a good man Jensen..., everything will be all right, I'll be there to help you. The divorce will be settled, Danneel will come to his senses, you'll see, you'll have your little girl.”

Jensen rested his hand on the chestnut’s, caressing it absently. The wet green eyes looked at him gratefully. “I hope you're right," he said with a faint smile, even though he wasn't at all convinced of it in his inner self.

“You'll see that it did...”

Jared caught Jensen's thumb with his own and stopped the caress, letting him know he was there. 

“We all have problems at some point Jensen. I..., I'm not very well with Gen either...”, he whispered, making the blond's eyes look at him now and not at his hands.

Jared smiled nervously. “Yes... Now... now we're better..., I think... We went to therapy, you know? We...," he said shyly, "We..., it came in handy. We talked and that...” The chestnut felt the heat rise up his cheeks under the attentive gaze of Jensen, who studied him carefully.

“Quite two of us are done..." he snorted with a sneer as a hysterical laugh came from his lips. Jared followed him in laughter They were like that for a while until he noticed the green well in his friend's eyes fixed on him again. He seemed to doubt, if he knew anything about Jensen, he knew that his friend wanted to ask something and didn't dare.

“What?” he asked, encouraging him to go on. Jensen remained silent. A melancholy gesture settled on his face and eyes as he took a thoughtful bite of his lower lip. Finally he looked up, fixing his eyes on his own.

“Do you think we did well?” he asks in a whisper whether to take his gaze away from his. Jared sighs, bending his head and sinking it between his shoulders. He closes his eyes with so many thoughts crossing his mind that they stun him. Jensen remains silent, his heart somewhat shrunken, waiting for the answer. Jared raises his head, although he is not able to hold the blond's gaze.

“I don't know... There are many times I don't know," he said at last. 

Jensen nods silently, although his friend can't see him, as his gaze is fixed on any point in the room. Jared again squeezes his hand on the blond's knee and then pushes forward, rising from the chair and withdrawing contact with his friend.

“I think I should go," he said quietly, hands in his pockets and head down. Jensen looked at him in surprise, stunned by his friend's quick movement. He got up too, rubbing his palms on the cloth of the trousers covering his thighs in a nervous gesture. 

“Uh... Oh, yes, of course... Besides, it's late now. I'll go with you," he said, pointing with a gesture of his hand that invited him to move, even if he wanted him not to. Jared was tense, the blond noticed it in the way his shoulders squared as well as his jaw which was now tight. With a loud sigh he took the jacket, which had been removed, from the back of the chair where he had left it and walked behind Jensen to the door.

When he began to open it to let it out, Jared extended his arm, still with his jacket in his hand, pushing it hard to close it again. Jensen first startled, then stared at the chestnut inquisitively, beginning to feel his whole body trembling.

Jared did not look at him. He remained with his eyes closed and his hand still resting on the door, his breathing was heavy, he exhaled loudly apparently trying to control something that dominated him. He shook his head repeatedly, exaggeratingly, until his eyes opened again, fixing on the blond's eyes.

Jensen felt that he could burn in the fire of that look, those eyes that pierced him, stripping his soul and making him feel so vulnerable. He couldn't help moaning when Jared's hand became entangled in his short hair, pulling on him and making him throw his head back giving him the space necessary for his mouth to cover his thick lips.

He felt the warmth of these on his own making him tremble. It was an anxious and possessive kiss, he could notice the taste of alcohol in the mouth of the other, in his tongue that invaded his space in an overwhelming way. He was not able to move or react, he just let himself be carried away by the other mouth that groaned against his own whispering his name.

Jared was lost in the sweet sensation of feeling those longed-for lips under his own again. He didn't want to stop, he didn't want to because now after so long, he felt first hand what it was like to have them, not that foggy memory he had displaced to some corner of his mind. His tongue delineated every inch of its contour, pressing and pushing, making its way to the inside of the other mouth, making it groan as it felt its warmth.

But a slight negative sensation haunted his mind, something was not right. What was not working? He opened his eyes and saw it. Jensen stood still, his green eyes trembled in terror, surprised, inquisitive... Jared understood, he understood his friend's fear. He had no right. He had been a selfish fool. He supported his friend's forehead, holding his face in his hands, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.

“I'm sorry Jensen...” He said in a hoarse, dry voice, hiding a sob that he was struggling to get out. “I'm sorry..., please..., please forgive me," he deposited a tender kiss on the blond's forehead and took a couple of steps away from him, looking at him with a sorry gesture. Jensen only managed to nod almost imperceptibly, Jared could see the tears escaping from his cheeks and the trembling of his whole body, making his guilt increase.

“I... I better go... See you tomorrow... I'm sorry," he said in such a low voice that if Jensen hadn't been less than a metre away he wouldn't have even listened. With a dejected gesture, he opened the door, coming out through it and gently closing it on his back.


	4. The beginning

Chapter 4: The Beginning

Jensen was still shaking behind the closed door, he felt his knees threatening to fail him if he didn't find support quickly. Hesitantly, he directed his steps to the bed feeling the relief and security of sitting down. With the tip of his fingers he caressed his lips where the others had kissed him. That kiss that had stirred up so much inside him and terrified him. Not because he didn't want to feel them again, but because he feared the pain they had caused him afterwards.

He hated Jared for doing that to him, for having taken that step now, at the most inopportune moment, confusing him, driving him mad, desperate, not knowing what to think. Yes, he hated him as much as he knew he loved him, that he never stopped. With a tired gesture his fingers moved to start undressing. Once he finished, he got into bed covering himself as much as he could, trying to combat the cold that his body felt.

…….. 7 years before …….

Jared watched his friend load boxes from the van they had rented to the porch of their new home. After a time in which both lived separately and seeing that the show seemed to go well and new seasons were predicted, they had decided to share a house and save expenses. All in all, they got along great and with those shooting schedules they spent almost the whole day together. They both thought it was a good idea, and now he thought it was more like it.

His relationship with Jensen had always been good, from the very day they met in Eric's office, taking that reading test to see how they fit together. His friendship had grown to levels of complicity and trust that he never thought possible, so much so that he sometimes surprised himself thinking if it would be possible for them to go a step further.

This was one of those moments, he rested leaning on one of the beams of the porch thanking the little shadow that lavished him. In his hand a cold beer to which he gave a long drink while he looked at Jensen taking another one of the boxes of the van. The sun was blazing down, so his short hair, damp with sweat, gave off small drops that ran through his temples and neck, soaking the fabric of his shirt that adhered wet to his skin, marking the strong muscles of his shoulders and his back now tense with effort.

The blond passed his tongue over his upper lip while with his arms he pushed the box a little higher up on his chest, reaching a more comfortable position to carry it. The simple sight of that gesture caused his hands to begin to sweat, and even more heat than during the day ran through his body. Jensen walked past him with the box, looking at him with reproach. With a tired groan he released it along with the others that accumulated in the hall, then they would have to distribute them around the house.

“Very nice! Wasn't there one for me?”, he said as he snatched the beer from his hand when he went outside. The blonde gave him a triumphant smile as he threw his head back and took the bottle to his lips for a long drink. Jared had to swallow saliva to stop the dryness of his throat caused by the vision, through the transparent glass, of his friend's tongue entering through the neck of the bottle as he drank.

“I... I'm sorry... Can I get you one?”. He hoped he wasn't as red as his cheeks felt. Jensen looked at him curiously. 

“No, it doesn't matter... I'm done with this one," he replied amusedly. "Are we done with the boxes or what?”

“Of course! Let's go... I see it's hard for you...”. he said as he quickly stepped off the porch out of reach of the other. It took Jensen a second to react and then he ran after his friend, jumping on his back, hanging around his neck. 

“Who do you say it’s hard? I don't weigh that much, do I?”. Laughter erupted from his chest vibrating on Jared's back, who at that moment was staggering in surprise at the older's assault.

He turned abruptly trying to get rid of the other by throwing him to the ground, but he was well secured and the result was that the two fell between laughs and moans of Jensen who was the one who got the worst part because the giant body of Jared fell on him. The chestnut laughed to clean laughter pointing to the sore face of the oldest who looked back with a false hatred that only caused the other more laughter.

Jensen was the first to get up with his breath still agitated by laughter, in front of his friend, extended his hand to help the other to get up. Jared held it firmly, taking advantage of the blond's impulse to stand up. A gesture of pain crossed the face of his friend who automatically carried the other hand to his shoulder. 

“Uff..., I think I hurt myself.” He began to move his arm in circles first and then from right to left trying to get whatever he wanted to be put back on.

“Are you all right?” Jared looked at him worried, saddened that he was responsible for the injury.

“It's nothing, man... It'll pass. Let's go! There's still a lot of work to be done," he said in a carefree tone and headed back to the van. By God, he hated moving, but how many things were kept in a house? And that was not the definitive one.

For a long time they were making trips going and coming by the cobblestone road that separated the porch from the asphalted street. When they had finished entering the boxes, they could only emit a pitiful whine, seeing the mountains of them piled up now between the hall and the living room, looking at each other with compassion. 

“Tomorrow...?”, Jensen asked doubtfully. Jared's face lit up with a huge smile, along with those dimples that so caught the older man's attention. 

“Yes! Please... Thank you!”, he replied, exhaling a comic sigh that made his friend smile.

“I need a shower..." commented the blond with a disgusted face after putting his nose to his armpit. The other looked at him amusingly, and looking at himself, he could only confirm that they were in the same condition. 

“I see you now," he commented, on his way to the stairs to his room, followed by his friend who stayed in a room earlier.

Jared dressed himself in comfortable pajama pants. The heat of the effort and the temperature of the day were still denting him even after the shower. He walked barefoot down to the living room where he heard the sound of the television. With his head sticking out the door he could see Jensen sitting on one side of the couch. He had also opted for pajama trousers, but he did have a comfortable T-shirt on him. With his feet on the table he seemed relaxed.

“Has the game started yet?”, he asked from the door. The older man turned towards it, concentrating the green of his eyes on it. Jared felt a chill running down his body as he noticed for a few seconds those eyes gliding across his chest for longer than it might seem politically correct. 

“Not yet...," said the blond, “Get some beers... and some snacking," he asked with a smile without taking his eyes off each other.

Jared made his way to the kitchen, ready to do the job, somewhat confused by what had just happened. Was it real for his friend to notice him, or were they just his imaginations encouraged by all those ideas that lately crossed his head? He returned to the room balancing to hold all the things he had in his hands. 

“Out of the way!”. He grunted as he kicked the blond's legs. 

“You could pass on the other side," protested the other, shrinking to let him pass. 

“This way is closer, man. Can't you see how I'm doing?”

He leaned over the table releasing everything he was carrying, a pack of four beers, several bags of nuts and a plate with several sandwiches. He didn't know how Jensen would be, but he was certainly hungry. He passed one of the bottles to his friend and dropped heavily on the sofa, making the other smile because of so much force had almost made them both bounce. 

“If you want, you can throw yourself harder..." he said in a reprobatory tone.

Jared looked at him and shrugged. "If you want to throw yourself harder..." He repeated with a childish sarcasm, gesturing with his face, now pushing with his foot on the knee of the other causing his legs to fall off the table again. 

“You look like a child...”, the blonde snorted funny as he stood up again paying attention to the match that was starting at that moment.

The match was interesting, both were enjoying it, vibrating encouraged by their team's points and shouting frustrated by their opponents' points. The beers had already been replenished several times as indispensable fuel to cheer up his team. Jared was attentive to the game, but he had not lost sight of Jensen either, beset by an inexplicable need to see him, to know every detail of him. Precisely, looking at him, he was when the blond leaned over to the plate where the last sandwich remained. A mischievous idea drove him to move faster, taking it out of his range to bring it up to his chest height.

The blond was surprised for a moment and then protested with a pout. 

“Dude, you've eaten four! Didn't they teach you to share?” 

Jared smiled with satisfaction at his wickedness, looking at his friend with bright, funny eyes. 

“It's mine!”. He said triumphantly, "I made them. Besides, I'm very big, I need to eat more.”

Jensen knew he was challenging him, not to say he was hungry and he had only eaten one. No, it definitely wasn't fair, that sandwich was for him, it had his name, Jensen, Jensen Ackles. Yes, he was sure. Fixing his gaze on the plate like an eagle with its prey, he threw himself in a quick movement on his friend who, although waiting for him, was a little slow in reacting.

Jared took the sandwich in his hand, stretching his arm to keep it out of the blond's reach. They looked like two little kids, but who cared? It was fun. They struggled by pulling, pushing and holding each other as they screamed at each other laughing non-stop. In one of those movements, Jared held his partner's shoulder to bring him down in one of his rushes causing such a sharp scream of pain in the blond that made him dropped the sándwich for the impression, this one falling on the carpet.

The two stopped at once, Jensen grimacingly holding his shoulder as he looked at the sandwich on the floor with a pot. 

“Well, I don't want it anymore... for you..." he said in pity. 

Jared looked at him without understanding, still surprised by the scream, he looked at the carpet alternately from his friend until he understood in exasperation the nonsense the blonde was talking about.

“Don't be an idiot," he scolded, "What's the matter with you?”

“It's my shoulder... I think I hurt myself more than I thought," he said pitifully.

“Let me see...” 

The blond turned on the seat with his back to his friend as he pulled up his shirt so that he could examine the painful area.

“Damn it, Jensen!”, he exclaimed.

“What?” asked the blond. 

Jared touched slowly, pressing at some points, noticing how the other one was shrinking in front of the contact. 

“You've got a good purple and it's swollen. Stay there, I'll get some anti-inflammatory cream, I think I have in my room.”

Jared got up in disgust and went to the room trying to remember where the cream would be. It had been his fault, because as always, he was not able to measure his strength. He rummaged angrily until he found the damn tube going back down to the living room. 

“Take off your shirt. It will get stained...”

Jensen listened to him by pulling it out of his head.

Jared poured some of that menthol scent cream on his fingers and then spread it gently over the affected area. Jensen jumped out of his hand. 

“Cold!”, he exclaimed childishly. 

The chestnut laughed amusingly. “Who's the kid now? Come here, man...”, he said, pulling on his good shoulder and holding it by him to keep it at the proper distance. With the other hand, he set out again to spread the cream in small circles, pressing lightly to facilitate absorption and try to alleviate inflammation.   
Jensen relaxed under his hands, causing Jared's mind to be lost to the softness of that skin under his fingertips. The circles, unconsciously, became larger by now sliding the whole palm, filling with the heat that the body gave off in front of him.

He got scared..., he got scared at the moment he was aware of what he was doing, he couldn't see his partner's face, but he watched his back, the back of his head, everything, waiting for some negative reaction but the other didn't do anything, he didn't move. 

He tried something else. 

With the thumb of the hand holding his friend's healthy shoulder he began to caress the nape of the other, a small path up and down from the source of his hair to the bone of the cross making small circles each time he reached them, following in fascination the movement by the soft skin.

Jensen didn't know why he was letting himself be done. He was surprised when he noticed Jared's enormous hand extending the contact far beyond the affected area. But he was even more surprised when he discovered that he sincerely longed for such a contact and that his mind reacted with joy to the sight of it. Now he closed his eyes concentrating on that much more intimate caress on his neck. 

He liked it, he was sure of it, but he wouldn't dare say anything, so he kept still, waiting for his partner to understand him or to feel safer to continue. He wanted him to do it.

Jared was nervous, his breathing became heavy as the hand he had used to spread the cream went down Jensen's side, settling hesitantly at his waist. 

“Jen... “

A current ran through the blond's body when he first heard his friend call him that way. 

“Are you all right...?”, he asked frightened.

“Hum...” The oldest replied with a hoarse, rough voice that made the chestnut swallow dry, partly undoing his doubts but not his nerves.

Surrounding the waist, he slid his palm over the older man's firm stomach, pulling him closer. The skin on his chest in contact with the other's back made him sigh. A warm breath that bristled the hair on Jensen's neck that now clung to the hand that caressed his belly, intertwining his fingers with it. Jensen gasped when he felt the chestnut's smooth lips on his shoulder, marking a path of kisses by his collarbone that made him mad.

He turned his head to see it, his green eyes crossing the ambiguous chestnut’s that was looking at him with its lips still on his skin. Jensen half opened his lips that now seemed dry, sliding his tongue over them, making them shine like a lighthouse for the youngest. The green of his pupils darkened by desire, challenging him with his gaze to something he could no longer resist. Without taking his gaze away from the blonde, asking for permission with it, he approached that sinful mouth and covered it with his own. Tasting those fluffy lips with a fear that grazed the reverent. The lips joined together and separated, staring at each other, trying to decipher what each one was feeling.

This time it was Jensen who took the initiative, with his tongue licked the contour of the other mouth, pressing gently, tempting the other to receive it inside. Jared gave in with a groan that flowed into the other lips. The blond's tongue caressed curious his interior, gliding slowly, tasting with satisfaction every piece of skin he touched.

The chestnut tongue came out to meet him, competing for space in a quiet and desired battle, recognizing and conforming to one another. Fitting perfectly as if they had been made for it. Jared's hands caressed the blond's chest and stomach, pressing against him because he felt that no contact at this moment was enough.

Jensen turned in his arms without stopping the kiss. With a snarl Jared lifted him above him making him sit astride on his legs causing a groan of both as he brushed his hard limbs only covered by the fine cloth of the pajamas. The blonde now held his face in his hands, dominating the kiss, increasing in intensity at times. Biting and licking, driving mad every second he passed as his hands adored every inch of skin within his reach.

Excited and panting, trying to regain some control and the rhythm of the lost breath, Jensen broke the kiss. With an intense gaze he scanned the inside of opposing eyes that seemed to get lost in his own. The jade eyes changed, for a moment they were filled with doubts and fear.

“What are we doing?”, he asked in a hoarse voice not without fear. Jared hesitated briefly without taking his eyes off that green that burned him.

“I..., I don't know... But I want it," he said emphatically, more surely than ever, knowing that he had wanted it for a long time.

Jensen kept looking at him silently, frowning. Jared could see the moment when his gaze became firm again, secure and for moments darker and darker. The blonde swallowed as he caressed his face with his hand.

“I want it too...”


	5. Agreement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updating, but I've had a horrible week of work. I hope you like it.

Chapter 5: Agreement

…….. NOW …….

Jared closed his eyes tightly in a vain attempt to silence the intense pain that had pierced his head from the very moment he had stood up that morning. The few hours of sleep, inexistent in reality since he didn’t sleep a wink, the excess of alcohol and the remorse of what had happened with Jensen, were taking a heavy toll on him. 

He had to resort to a pair of painkillers that now fell down his throat pushed by a sip of coffee that this morning, like everything else, tasted especially bitter. He hated himself for letting himself be carried away like that. Repentance and guilt had not left him since the moment he walked through Jensen's bedroom door. The memory of those frightened eyes... he knew what they wanted to tell him, he knew it. They said "not again..., I won't stand it..., I love you..., don't do it again..."; and he couldn't say anything against it... 

Because he felt like a coward, he didn't feel it, he knew he was, he was so long ago, when he took advantage of Jensen's inability to deny him anything, leading him to accept that rupture fruit of his fear, now he knew it, fear of the intensity of that relationship they had and that he felt incapable to hadle and that made him look for endless excuses to get away. And he was a coward now because he had realized the mistake he had made and knew he was not capable of taking a single step to fix it. 

“And if you're not going to do anything to fix it... Why don't you stop screwing everything up? Don't mess it up anymore, you fucking idiot!”. He hit the breakfast table frustrated with himself but convinced it was the right thing to do. The sound of his mobile distracted him from his thoughts, startled that it was Jensen, he still didn't know how he was going to be able to face him this morning. Gen's image appeared on the screen, he sighed as an ironic smile was drawn on his thin lips, not that a conversation with her was any more relieving at the moment. 

With a tired gesture, he put the earphone to his ear. “Yes?”. A cheerful laughter, followed by a thunderous scream forced him to separate the mobile from his ear. 

“Dad!”. Shepherd's high-pitched voice made him smile for the first time that day. 

“What's up, champ? How are you?" he asked with a laugh. 

“Well..." said the boy in a serious tone and immediately returned to the first state of excitement. “Dad!”

Jared laughed listening to him.

“We're watching Thom's game! And... Thom has scored! and... And they're winning Dad. Are you going to come Dad?” 

Jared sighed, making a gesture of resignation with his head, a gesture to his insides, one that confirmed everything he had been thinking. 

“Dad's working," he said sweetly, "but I'll be back the day after tomorrow. Hey, cheer Thomas up for both of us, okay? They've got to win!,” he said, encouraging his little one. 

“Yes, Dad! I'll do it.” The pride of the responsibility of the commission was felt in Shepherd's voice. “Bye!”. And without giving him time to answer, his son had hung up. 

Jared looked for a second at the phone already switched off in his hand. “Bye, sweetheart," he whispered to himself with a smile. Thomas had dialed, he would have liked to have seen it, he felt full of pride for his two little ones who gave him so much joy, regretting that work deprived him of moments like those. Something more relaxed now hastened to drees up, the meeting with Eric was in less than an hour. 

Jensen left on the way to Eric's room where they had agreed to meet, they wouldn't appear at Con's acts until the next day, so they would have time to talk quietly. As he left his room he stopped in front of Jared's door, for a few seconds, thought of calling him to go together but dismissed the idea almost immediately. Avoiding him as much as possible would be best. He stretched his clothes and passed by without looking back. 

When Jared knocked on Eric's bedroom door, the producer's jovial voice came from the other side and invited him in. “Push! It's open... We've been waiting for you...” 

The chestnut entered the large room where the other two were waiting for him around a small round table. In front of Eric, several folders and a pile of perfectly ordered papers. The man looked at him with a smile, inviting him to sit on the chair that was free with a gesture of the hand. 

On the way to the table his eyes crossed those of Jensen. The blond man's look was serious and somewhat distressed. Repentance enveloped him again, causing him to turn his eyes away from the eyes embarrassed of the older man who was now following him inquisitively. From the enormous smile and the happy gesture with which Eric looked at them, it was evident that he had not been aware of the silent conversation between the two of them.

“I'm glad you guys agreed to come!,” exclaimed happily, “This project can't go ahead without you, so I have to convince you..." he announced as he handed out folders to each one of them, saving another for himself. The two forced themselves to focus on their interlocutor, opening the folders and following the rhythm of their explanations. 

“Look... The series continues to have great support all over the world despite the time that has passed. The network thought it would be a good idea to make a mini-series as a tribute. If you are willing to do it clearly..., without you, as I said, there is no project. There would be seven chapters, but longer than usual, about seventy minutes. The plot would begin with a series of strange murders in a small village, which would take the two of you to meet again there.”

“Meet again?”, they asked almost at the same time. 

Eric looked at them amusingly.

“Of course, despite the weather you haven't let go of your alter ego” he laughed, “I just saw Sam and Dean.” 

They looked at each other incredulously and then turned their attention back to the other. 

“You stopped..." continued Eric, "you stopped hunting together for a discussion, you haven't talked to each other in almost a while. You meet here by any chance and seeing the size of the threat you decide to work together again for a while.” 

Jensen snorts, nodding ironically. The others look up from their folders to look at him. Eric curiously, “what?,” he asks. Jared knows exactly what's going on in the blond's head. Jensen laughs disgusted to himself. “Nothing..., continue....” Eric shrugs his shoulders without understanding and continues with the explanation.

“The two of you are resentful of each other, when Sam is seriously attacked, Dean's concern and sense of protection will make him try to fix things and once together again, you can win.” 

The producer looked at them with illusion, although his gesture began to falter in the face of the inexpressiveness of the other two. 

“Let's go guys! It's a summary on top, everything is detailed in the folders. I want to return to the essence of the series. The union of the brothers, above all, the two of them against the world, coming out victorious in spite of the losses along the way. Because together they are stronger. For God's sake! They are fucking Winchester!” He gesticulated enthusiastically trying to infect the other two.

Jared glanced sidelong at his companion, trying to find out his opinion, a clue that would tell him which way to go, but Jensen remained silent, his eyes fixed on the corner of his pile of folios that he folded and released absently with his thumb. Eric stared at them anxiously, alternately looking at each other. Silence seemed not to break on either side.

“Eric would have to think about it...,” Jared finally took the first step. The blonde left the distraction of the folios to stare furiously at the chestnut. The other one returned it surprised. "What have I done?," thought the tall man, shrugging at the look. “We have to think about it...” tried to fix, “Jensen and I have to talk about it.” 

“I have nothing to think about," said the blond in a dry tone, "I'm not going to do it. I'm sorry Eric, I have a lot of projects now. I don't think I can make time for this.”

The producer was staring at him in shock, it had never occurred to him that they could say no to him. Jared looked at him in sorrow. "Don't do this Jensen," said his eyes. 

The blonde stood firm. “Thanks for the offer Eric, I have to go.” 

Jared held him by the arm before he could get up from the table. “Let's think about it, okay?.” He was trying to convince him softly, otherwise he'd close ranks. “Eric, give us till tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes... yes, of course... whatever you need," he replied hopefully as he looked gratefully at Jared and worried at his other co-star. 

“Jared, there's nothing to talk about. Tomorrow my answer will be the same," he said as he pulled his arm and managed to get rid of his grip with an annoying gesture. As soon as he was able to move he moved quickly towards the door. The chestnut rose quickly to follow him, turning only for a moment to talk to Eric again. 

“Tomorrow..., I promise...”. The producer nodded absently because the truth, was about to cry watching his project go down. 

“Jensen!,” he shouted, heading for the corridor where the blond had already disappeared.

He hurried his way to the room, where he supposed to be heading. When he reached the door, he knocked softly. No sound came from the other side. “Come on Jensen...” he asked as he knocked again. “Let's talk about it... open, please...” 

In the absence of an answer, he looked for the mobile phone in his pocket, ready to call him. The tones began to sound without getting an answer, but when he didn't hear the music inside the room he was convinced that Jensen wasn't there.

For more than an hour he searched the entire hotel without finding him. Frustrated, he returned to his room, where he thought he would be attentive to find out when he would return. He called him several times until finally there was no more tone, his friend had turned off the phone. He sighed lying on the bed, he liked the project and was sure that it would be successful. He knew the reason for Jensen's rejection, he had to convince Jensen that he should not fear for him. 

At dinnertime there was still no sign of him. Misha called him to join the group, they had reserved a table in the main dining room. He hadn't been out of the room all day so he decided to go down and clear up a bit, plus some of the boys might know about him. Maybe he was even with them. 

When he arrived at the dining room he could see that this was not the case, although he clearly suspected it. That everyone asked him about him answered another question. No one had seen him, he shrugged at others' questions, without wanting to explain himself to anyone. Dinner passed in a relaxed atmosphere for everyone except for him who was absent at all times. When he finished, he said goodbye, claiming tiredness and making them promise that they would be careful with what they took, making the others laugh as they left.

Again in front of his friend's door, he tried his luck. Three, four blows, the answer was the same. He desperately leaned his back against the lacquered surface, banging his head on it repeatedly. "Fuck... Jen... Where are you?," he asked, closing his eyes, trying to think. He slammed them open when the clear idea of where he was came to his head. Practically running, he went to his room to pick up a jacket and call the reception to get a taxi. 

He gave the address to the taxi driver, praying to all the saints he didn't believe in, because his assumptions weren't wrong. After a twenty-minute drive and a small stop, they arrived at their destination. The taxi stopped in front of the house. It was dark, the lawn in the garden looked sloppy and tall, a post in the middle of it showed an For Sale / For Rent ad and the phone number of a real estate agency. On the stairs of the porch, he could see the silhouette of a seated figure. His heart turned at that very moment. 

He paid for the ride and got out of the taxi taking the bag with what he had bought. With an unsteady step he walked through the now neglected road leading from the sidewalk to the house, as he approached, his friend's image became clearer to his eyes. Sitting on the first step above, his back leaned against the beam from which the ladder started, his eyes closed and his knees raised with his forearms resting on them.

He didn't open his eyes when he reached him, he didn't need to do it to know who he was. He continued to breathe slowly as he listened to the newcomer manipulate with something, plastic or glass or something like that. His fingers shrugged when he felt the cold and dampness of something against them. Opening his eyes as little as possible to see what it was, he now extended them to surround the bottle they were offering him. He took a drink and stretched his legs, now resting his hands on his thighs, closing his eyes again, feeling less vulnerable.

Jared sat on the step below, in the same posture and with his back resting on the railing. They remained silent for a long time, listening only to the sounds of the neighborhood that at that time was already asleep except for some dog jealous of the safety of their home and the crickets and cicadas that populated the gardens of that residential area. 

“How did you know I would be here?”

“I simply sensed it," replied the chestnut after a while, looking up at his friend and finding those green eyes full of melancholy. Jared looked away almost immediately. “I'm sorry...” He mumbled full of repentance. Jensen knew that his friend was truly sorry, but that did not erase his fears. 

“Jared...” he said in a tired tone, “I don't think I could go through all that again. You have to understand..., I wouldn't resist it. For God's sake, I almost didn't do it then!.” His voice trembled, giving the impression of despair and a certain reproach. Jared sighed, holding tightly the bottle in his hands. 

“I know...,” replayed grieved, “But... it's a good project Jen! We can do it! I...”. The chestnut fell silent as he watched his partner close his eyes again while he shook his head, on his lips the same sad smile that lately he didn't seem to give up. 

“I'm sorry," he repeated again when he realized what the reason for the reproach was. 

“Sometimes it's not enough just to regret it, Jared. 

Silence returned among them as the chestnut digested the resentment of his friend's last words. A few more that joined the long list of reproaches that the same one was made. “Look...” finally said, “I know I can't turn back and change everything that has happened between us. I don't want to hurt you Jensen, I never wanted to, although obviously I did. Last night I behaved like an imbecile, but I assure you it will never happen again. Please look at me.”

Jensen opened his eyes to meet the begging look of the chestnut.

“I won't do it again. Let's be friends again, let's do this project Jensen, it's good, you know as well as I do. We deserve this, the show deserves it. Let's do it Jensen, please...”

A battle was going on in the blond's head, he was also excited about the project but what happened the night before scared him too much. 

“Let me think about it," he said at last, "tomorrow I'll tell you something.”

The chestnut looked at him hopefully and smiled gratefully. Jensen closed his eyes again and took refuge in silence. Jared imitated him, the two of them trying to relax. Comforted in each other's breath without wanting to admit it. 

“Let's go... I'm hungry...”, Jensen said a long time later.

“I brought hamburgers...,” The other answered with a smile without opening his eyes. 

A slight push from Jensen's shoulder on his made him smile bigger as he got up for the provisions he had bought and the rest of the beers, improvising on the porch of what had been his home for so long.


	6. A new proyect

Chapter 6: A new project

 

Jensen was tired. The weekend was proving exhausting between staying up late, the activities they were supposed to participate in and the emotional ups and downs he was being subjected to. Thank God it was over today. 

The alarm clock rang just as he was thinking of getting up, after turning it off was when he felt like a few more minutes. He scolded himself by discarding the idea and, yawning heavily, stood up. A quick shower made him finish waking up. When he was already putting on his shoes, a few knocks on the door caught his attention. He stood up ready to open. He knew it would be Jared. After separating from him last night in front of that same door, he had been thinking a lot. Thinking about Eric's project and the consequences it would bring, more specifically the consequences it would bring to him. 

Jared had promised him that he would not try anything, that he would be able to keep everything on the plane of friendship, he seemed convinced of it, repentant of what had happened only a day before. But the doubt was, "Can I do it? If he kisses me like that again..., if he touches me... will I be able to say no to him? I won't be able... And what will happen then? If everything repeats itself, if... I... couldn't..." 

He had to force himself to break that line of thought plagued with conjectures and suppositions. "Stop it, it's absurd Jensen. Focus!" he said to himself. "The project is good. You're an adult and you know what you have and don't have to do. You'll be able to handle it," he said before going to sleep. What was not said and this was practically because it had to be something implanted in his genetic material, there was no other explanation, is that as always, he was incapable of denying anything to Jared. 

He opened the door and left his friend at the entrance to sit on the edge of the bed again and continue to put on his shoes. He didn't even look up. Jared went doubtfully halfway through the room without losing sight of the blond. “Hello, are you ready?”, he asked in a conciliatory tone. The blonde looked up for a second. “Yes, just a minute.” 

Jared looked at him nervously, doubting whether it was time to ask or whether he should wait for the blond to speak. To hell with it! He’s never been good at waiting. 

“Have you thought about what we talked last night?”

The blond snort annoyed to remember all his inner discussion. “Yes," he replied. 

Jared raised a surprised eyebrow. “Well...?” He said that the other one would finish the sentence. With a face of annoyance, he rose to the height of the chestnut, looking into his eyes. 

“Yes, Jared, yes... I will.” A huge smile appeared on the tallest man's face, but Jensen couldn't see it because he was already walking towards the door. “I just hope I don't have to regret it," he heard him whisper the chestnut. 

The smile became a little smaller. “Let's go Jen...sen," he quickly corrected, "Don't be like that... Let's tell Eric, we'll make his day.... 

Jared continued to amuse his companion who was already reaching the door of the elevator, when he reached his height the blond also smiled. 

“We'll do it later. We've got the panel in 15 minutes," he said with a false reprobation tone. 

“Okay, okay... Whatever you say," he replied submissively but with the face of a child excited because his parents have promised to take him to the fair. 

“Idiot...”

The rest of the morning passed at the speed of light for both. In the first few minutes of the panel they were a little stopped and nervous but little by little they recovered the rhythm of something that they had dominated for a long time, the contact with the people, to receive their support and affection and to give them what they asked them. 

They felt comfortable and wrapped up by the rest of the troop that joined them on stage to say goodbye to the event. Jensen ended up being happy when the boys started playing and asked him to accompany them. It had been a long time since he had sung in public except for the fact that he had accompanied Chris at one of his concerts in small venues. When he finished, all his doubts seemed to have dissipated. 

In the afternoon they met Eric again. The producer was happy as Jared had predicted. During the meeting they decided on salaries, shooting times, budgets and so on, and agreed to contact their respective agents to finalize the details and translate them into a contract that would be favorable for everyone. He would also be in charge of balancing the agendas, which now seemed the most complicated, in fact, they didn't think it was possible to start before six months. Eric assured them that he would keep them up to date with all the formalities and after a couple of hours the meeting was over. 

After the meeting, all that was left for them to do was pick up their things and wait for them to be picked up and taken back to the airport. Jensen finished early, there was still time until they came to pick him up, he decided to spend it with Jared, so he could say goodbye without hurry.   
Jared greeted him in surpraise with a smile. “Come in, sit down.” Jensen settled into one of the armchairs as he saw his friend from side to side picking up. “I finished early to pick up. I wanted to say goodbye," said the blond man. 

Jared stopped for a moment in his search for objects in the room, looking distracted at his friend. “I'm glad you did. I still have a while left, I'm missing things...,” he replied as he looked around the room with an expression of strangeness. Jensen looked at him funny. 

“You've always been a fucking mess, Jay.What do you lack?” he asked resignedly as he got up to help him. 

Jared's face lit up instantly. “The phone charger... You called me Jay...” 

“Jared...” the blonde sighed. 

“I don't care...” He whispered softly, taking away a reprobatory look from the other. “Okay, okay. I get it...”

After a while, with Jensen's help, he managed to recover all the lost objects and finish with the suitcase. 

“Would you like a drink while we wait?,” he asked to the blond man who had sat down again. Jensen looked down at his hands, rubbing them absently. 

“No... no thanks. I think I must go now," he replied, forcing himself to look at his partner. Jared looked at his sad look, his smile a little forced, and noticed the slight trembling of his voice. He felt everything move inside him again. He closed his eyes, giving himself a minute before answering. 

As he opened them again, his gaze was also sad, but his smile was open trying to comfort his partner. He put his hands in his pockets to suppress the desire to hug him and stood where he was keeping his distance while Jensen got up. “All right," he said, "I'll see you soon. Bye”

“Bye," the blond man muttered on his way to the door. 

“Jensen!”

“Uh…” The blonde stopped and looked at him. 

“Everything's going to be all right... the divorce and the little girl. Call me for whatever you need, okay? You can count on me. You know that, don't you?.” Jared stared at him, trying to convey the truth of his words. Jensen's green eyes were fixed on his, shiny and somewhat damp. 

The blond man unraveled the road he had walked until he was back in front of Jared, who looked at him in surprise. In a second he was surrounded by the arms of the blond who was pressing him tightly against his chest. “I know," he said, "I know... Thank you...”

Jared closed his eyes, slowly encircling his friend's body, hugging him back. Without even thinking about it he began to rock him trying to reassure both of them. As he had done two nights before, he gently kissed his hair. “Take care Jensen, I'll see you soon.”

Jensen drew a strong breath, the face buried between his friend's neck and shoulder, filling himself with the smell he had missed so much, trying to retain it in his memory. 

“See you Jared, take care too.” He separated slowly, a little blushing. “I had a good time, see you later.” After a last glance, he turned quickly out of the room. Jared remained standing, following him with his gaze, wondering if he was really going to be able to keep his promises. 

******

The six months had become almost nine. For a while it seemed that it would be impossible to balance everyone's agendas with their shooting plans, but finally the wait was over. At that time several things had happened. Jensen's divorce, as he himself had predicted, turned into a pitched battle, fuelled by the media which, as expected, ended up finding out. Jensen was only worried about getting joint custody of JJ, he didn't mind giving in to what Danneel wanted, which his lawyers didn't "allow" at the moment. 

The blonde was in permanent tension, worried and disgusted, not understanding how that woman who was once his friend and lover had become such a harpy. He only got a little peace in the times he talked to Chris and, of course, in the times he talked to Jared. Yes, because the chestnut began to call him as soon as everything came to light and since then, not two days passed without them talking, even if only for a moment. Jensen was grateful for that. 

At Jared's house everything remained the same. Gen didn't take her husband's new project very well and let him know in a cold war that lasted for weeks. After all, he had told her years ago about her relationship with Jensen. Nothing he said to her, explaining that things were clear with him, seemed to have any effect, until one day, her attitude changed overnight, behaving affectionately and devotedly to the point of seeming strange. 

Jared didn't want to give it any more thought and let himself be enveloped by the role of happy couple and family. Gen took her job seriously, accompanying her husband as much as possible, organizing excursions and outings with the children, and giving him more sex in six months than they had in five years. Jared didn't know how to take it at first, but now he assumed things were back on track, which wasn't bad. Right? 

“The kids are going to miss you," she said that night in bed, hugging at his waist and with her head on his chest, after an intense period of sex. He surrounded her with his arm, caressing her back absently. 

“I'm going to miss them too. They are growing very fast. Like his father...” he laughed distracted by the occurrence. 

“They are still very young, they need their father," she continued unconcernedly. 

Jared, surprised, turned away just enough to look at her. 

“They have their father. They'll always have him. Gen, it's my job, I spend time away. Why do you tell me that?”

“Not at all, honey," she said, rising up to place a kiss on her lips. “Don't be angry..., I just wanted to say that they're still small.” 

After that, she put herself back in the same position leaving Jared still unsettled by the comment. He closed his eyes trying to sleep, the next morning he was flying back to Vancouver.


	7. Damaged

**Chapter 7: Damaged**

 

Jensen arrived for the first time to the recording set wrapped in a crude mobile discussion. Collecting the suitcase from the production company's car with which he had been picked up from the airport, he followed the employee who indicated the way to his caravan without leaving the conversation, although now lowering the tone to be surrounded by more people.

 

“I said no!” he exclaimed with an angry gesture. “I want this to be over now! I don't care what has to be done!” He continued, walking quietly, listening to what the other person had to say, with the face that he didn't like what he heard.

 

Jared had arrived a long time ago and was already settled, he saw his friend passing by with his mobile in his ear, happy, he decided to go out and say hello. Jensen didn't even see him. Concentrating on the conversation, he thanked the employee with a gesture for having accompanied him and went straight into the caravan closing the door. Jared looked at him worried, from there he had been able to see the tension in his friend's body and face, the frown and the tired expression. Now came his screams too.

 

“I don't want this weekend to happen again. Do you understand? Can you understand that? I'll pay you a fortune! Solve it!”

 

Jared saw him through the window walking from side to side. At one point he leaned against one of the furniture with his back to him, yet he could see how he rubbed his face with a tired gesture. Now he could not hear him, but he could see that he was still talking, after a moment he moved again in a violent twist shouting to the mobile: “I HAVE SAID THAT IT IS OK!” And pressing the off button and throwing it somewhere that Jared couldn't see. He decided to wait a while, give his friend some time to calm down, then he'd stop by to see if he wanted to tell him what was going on and if he didn't, he'd just be there.

 

Jensen was breathing agitated, it was the umpteenth time he had spoken to his lawyer in the last three days. The events of the weekend had been the last straw on the actor's patience. If Danneel wanted war she was going to have it, at the time he was willing to give her whatever she asked in order to end that unpleasant affair, but now... he was not going to give in even a coma if he could avoid it. Angry and thinking about what was now going to be the line of action of his lawyers, he began to unpack, glancing around and getting an idea of the options that the caravan had given him offered. That's what he was in when he was surprised by a few soft knocks on the door, which opened seconds later because he hadn't locked it.

 

Jared's head poked through the open hole, accompanied by a big smile. “Hello... may I come in?”

 

Jensen's angry gesture softened when he saw him. With a shy smile he invited him to do so. “Jared! Of course... of course it happens. How about dude?”

 

Jensen advanced with an outstretched hand to greet his friend who was already standing in the middle of the room. Jared shook his hand firmly, looking into his eyes that still seemed a little lost, surprised by the interruption. The chestnut did not doubt it when it gave a strong pull of the other hand dragging the rest of his friend behind it, bringing it closer to his chest and wrapping it in a strong embrace with the arm that was free. Jensen moaned in surprise when they crashed, but after a few seconds he corresponded to the embrace.

 

“All right?,” asked the chestnut. Jensen sighed against his friend's chest as he began to separate from him, something that was really costing him. The chestnut let him go waiting patiently for his answer.

 

“Yes..., yes, well... You know, this divorce thing is getting worse...”

 

The blond had gone back to lie on the piece of furniture on his back and would not take his eyes off his hands, rubbing his fingers nervously. Jared looked at him sympathetically, giving him time to encourage him to continue.

 

“Danneel is driving me crazy, you know?”. Now he looked up at his friend's grey eyes. Jared could see the despair, indignation, and sadness that tarnished the greenery of his companion's eyes. —She's bringing out the worst in me, I swear... After this weekend... I... I've had enough!”. Anger now joined the rest of the emotions that were parading through those eyes.

 

“Eh... calm... tell me, okay?” Jared stared into his eyes as he squeezed his shoulder with his hand in a supportive gesture. Jensen collapsed, crying all the rage and helplessness that had been building up over the last few days. The chestnut felt the worry invade every fiber of his body as he saw the state his friend was in. Following his pure instinct of protection, he embraced him again, feeling his shirt wet when in contact with the blond's tears. They remained like this for a long time, until the sobs diminished to become mild hypidos and a few nose sips.

 

“Hey, aren't you trying to wipe your snot on my shirt?” The chestnut joked, trying to defuse the atmosphere a bit. The blonde began to separate little by little, although Jared continued to hold him by his elbows, offering him a smile that reassured him.

 

“No... Of course not," he replied with a stew under the amused gaze of his friend. “I... I'm sorry...”

 

Jared rubbed his arms watching for every change in his expression. “Tell me about it...”

 

Jensen took a breath, closing his eyes for a moment, remembering everything that had happened.

 

“On Friday I went to pick up JJ at school. It’s supposed that her had to spend the weekend with me. I greeted her in line while I waited for the teacher to deliver them in order. Jared listened attentively, worried when Jensen stopped for a moment closing his eyes and with a gesture of pain on his face. “Another teacher appeared at that moment..." he continued, "she took JJ and took her inside. I didn't understand anything. JJ started crying calling me and I was out and I couldn't do anything.”

 

Tears came back to Jensen's eyes, and he didn't do anything to avoid them.

 

“My little girl was crying and I was at the door and I couldn't get through!” He said angrily, knocking the piece of furniture he was leaning on. Jared looked at him incredulously, trying to imagine the situation.

 

“But... What...?” he asked.

 

“The director came after apologizing," he continued, "I was furious. I started screaming like a madman.” He laughed ironically. “There were journalists... I'll be an stupid... As if my life wasn't enough circus.” Jared looked down uncomfortably at the last statement. Jensen kept talking. “She asked me to accompany her to her office to avoid any more scandal. There she told me that a court order had arrived that the child could not be delivered to me.”

 

“Why?” Jared interrupted, incredulous of everything he was hearing.

 

“Kidnapping risk..." he laugthed tired... “Can you believe it?”

 

Jared didn't know what to say. How could anyone think that Jensen would be able to kidnap his daughter? It was totally absurd.

 

“It's absurd!,” he said in fact.

 

“From now on I will only be able to see her once a month in a family reunification centre and always in the presence of an official.” he shook his head in disbelief even of what was happening to him. “I will see my daughter in a fucking jail.”

 

“What are you going to do now?” Jared kept looking at him worried. The blond's expression became firm, his eyes hardened and he began to move again around the room followed by the look of the chestnut.

 

“I've asked for full custody and I've hired a detective to investigate what's going on with Danneel. This is not normal Jared, that change overnight has to come for something and I have to know what it is. I don't care what it costs me, but I'm going to find out. I'm not going to let them separate me from my daughter, let alone treat me like I'm a criminal.”

 

“Ok...” The chestnut replied, “Everything will be all right, you'll see. If you need anything, anything... Jensen, you know I'm going to be there, don't you?” His eyes searched inquisitively for each other's eyes.

 

“Yes, I know... Thank you," he replied with a shy smile reciprocated by a slight nod from Jared.

 

They talked for a while longer until Jared was sure that his friend had calmed down completely. They still had a lot of things to prepare, the first few days would be spent with script readings, rehearsals, and costume and makeup tests. Everyone went to work to get started as soon as possible. The relationship between them was fluid again, they soon took the routine, just as it had been for years, of spending most of their time together, although both had imposed a certain distance on themselves. Jensen in an instinct of self-protection and Jared because he had realized the tension it caused in his friend every time he was too close and although this hurt him, he tried to respect it as much as possible.

 

Jensen was in permanent tension, everyone could appreciate him, upset about everything, it was clear that his family situation was affecting him more than he wanted to admit. He just seemed to find some peace of mind talking to Jared, but lately he was also annoyed with him.

 

**********

 

Lying on his bed, the blonde thought of it, it had been foolishness, but it was clear that his ability to differentiate situations was not at its best. They were rehearsing the reunion of Sam and Dean, a simple script reading and a test of lights and marks. He had really read the text a lot of times and he hadn't had a problem, he still didn't know why it had turned out that way. He guess it was because none of the times he had read it had Jared in front of it.

 

He closed his eyes and the images of what had happened came back to his head.

 

“Come on, guys! Are you ready? Do you check your marks?” The ruler asked, looking at both of them. The two nodded before the man left the scene. They waited for the signal and began to act.

 

They was shotting in a parking lot, both dressed in suits. Jensen had to leave the Impala and intercept Jared before he entered what was supposed to be a Sheriff's office. That's exactly what he did. He got out of the car and stopped Jared by putting a hand on his chest.

 

 **Dean:** “What are you doing here?” Looking at his brother with anger, whom he hasn't seen in years.

 

 **Sam:** “They told me that there are a lot of nice places around here. I'm here to inform me," he says ironically as he swings Dean's grip off his chest.

 

 **Dean** : “Go sightseeing in California Sammy. That suits you better, doesn’t it?” Sam releases a snort while looking at him furiously.

 

 **Sam:** “Leave me alone!” Trying to follow his way to the office, which is again interrupted by his brother.

 

 **Dean:** “I’m serious. You don't have anything to do here. I've got it all under control.”

 

The threat is clear in the eldest's green eyes, but just as clear, it is ignored by the little one who keeps moving toward his goal. Dean: “You took off!” he shouts fiercely at his brother's back. Sam stops, his back tightens as he clenches his fists tightly. In a second he walks back to his brother. Face to face with him. With a threatening hiss he responds to the other.

 

 **Dean:** “You took off!” he shouts fiercely at his brother's back. Sam stops, his back tightens as he clenches his fists tightly. In a second he walks back to his brother. Face to face with him. With a threatening hiss he responds to the other. 

 

 **Sam:** “I didn't leave... You threw me out...”

 

Dean's expression changes now, his eyes glow sad and aching. Curiously, Jensen's eyes adopt the same look, his chest harbours the same feeling as his character, extrapolating the scene to another moment of his life.

 

 **Dean:** “Did I throw you out? Wasn't that what you wanted? I put it on a platter for you Sammy _(Jared)_ and you didn't say no. You didn't even try.”

 

The tone of reproach does not go unnoticed by Jared, during a second look questioning his partner but then returns to the scene thinking that surely had been a wrong appreciation.

 

 **Sam:** “I thought you didn't want me by your side. That you were sick of saving my ass.”

 

Sam was reciting his brother's words when they separated.

 

 _“What didn't want you by my side...?”_ Jensen's brain was having serious discernment problems. He closed his eyes massaging the bridge of his nose with a tired gesture. Jared looked at him in surprise, not quite sure what to do. The ruler's voice interrupted the scene.

 

“Cut! Is something wrong, boys? Jensen...? Everything all right?,” he asked as everyone moved again to prepare the new shot, readjusting the light and all those things that were done outside of cameras. Jensen took a few steps away in an attempt to clear himself, abandon that spiral he was getting into and focus on work again.

 

“Jensen, what's going on?” He heard his friend's worried voice on his back. "You seem affected." The blond turned nervously, unable to look into his eyes.

 

“No... no, everything's fine. Seriously," he said, forcing a smile, "I just got lost, man. I lost the phrase...”

 

“Are you sure? You're not one of those who lose the phrase," he said in a rather jocular tone, trying to downplay the question.

 

“Yeah, sure... You know, too many things in the head," he justified himself. The chestnut nodded again to his mark, followed almost immediately by Jensen.

 

 _“Focus Jensen..., focus. You're Dean dude. Dean and Sam Nada by Jensen and Jared. Breathe... You're Dean...”_ Jensen encouraged himself as he put himself back on the mark.

 

“Good guys! Since the last sentence... I thought you didn't want me by your side…” The ruler set everything in motion again.

 

 **Sam:** “I thought you didn't want me by your side. That you were sick of saving my ass.”

 

 **Dean:** “What happened to your dreams, Sammy? _(Jared... No, no, no... Fuck!)_ What happened to that desire to make a home? A normal family!”

 

Dean/Jensen screamed in his brother/Jared's face. His voice filled with anger, resentment, and pain. His eyes moist, fierce despite the sadness they reflected. His body trembled from the anger contained.

 

 **Dean:** “Is your little woman reconciled with your work?” Pure poison in his voice, “or haven't you told her? That's just like you, Sammy... _(Jared..., Jared on that couch, telling him why they had to leave him. Jared..., that day shortly after that conversation, when he stabbed him with a knife so deep that it still hurt, that it would never stop hurting him)_ ...to make decisions for others.”

 

 **Sam:** “You know what, Dean? I'm sick of arguing with you. You go on your side and I'll do it for mine," he said in a dry tone pushing his brother.

 

 **Dean:** “Oh, quiet little brother... I'm not going to argue with you either," he said with all the sarcasm Dean was capable of distilling.

 

In a quick movement, he held his brother's arm in a spinning motion. When he was in front of him, he released a tremendous right to the face of his brother who fell to the ground in pain holding his jaw.

 

“Cut!” Again the voice of the ruler brought him out of his daze. That and the dull pain in his hand that now reached his mind leaving him surprised. Jared looked at him from the floor, stroked his cheek with a sore gesture while giving him an inquisitive look.

 

“What the hell happened dude?” he asked in pain.

 

“I'm... I'm sorry...”, babbled nervously, “I don't know what happened.... I miscalculated the distance... I don't know... I don't fucking know!”

 

Jensen's eyes glowed now in fear, looking alternately from Jared at the people around them.

 

“Hey, hey... Quiet...”. Jared got up quickly and approached his friend so that he could see that he was all right. “I'm fine Jensen...” Jared tried to take his hand to see if anything had been done, he had really hit him hard. When Jensen noticed his closeness he turned away in fear, keeping his distance with his arms outstretched.

 

“I'm sorry...” said again, “I'm sorry Jared... I never wanted to... You have to believe me. Forgive me, okay?” And saying this, he turned and hurriedly walked to his caravan.

 

“Jensen!,” shouted the chestnut. “Fuck! Wait!.”

 

But the blonde had already started running with the clear intention of not returning until everyone had forgotten about his existence. Of course, he consciously knew that this option was not possible.


	8. Dirty Linen

**Chapter 8: Dirty Linen**

  


And Jensen was still there, three hours later, still on his bed, unable to stop thinking about it. Fortunately, it seemed that the others were giving him some personal space, when he arrived at the caravan, he hoped that someone would appear at any moment to ask him for explanations, more specifically he supposed that someone would be Jared, but no, no one knocked on his door. Until now. 

  


Gentle knocks announced that his truce had just ended. He closed his eyes by squeezing the bridge of his nose, noting that the headache had not gone despite the painkiller he had taken when he arrived. With a snarl he got up from bed and dragging his feet reached the door. When he opened the door he found Jared in front of him, unlike him who was still wearing the pants, the shirt with a pair of open buttons and the tie with the knot loosened; Jared was already changed with comfortable jeans and a t-shirt. His face had already begun to show a light purple caused by the blow. 

  


Jensen leaned against the frame, holding the door with his hand blocking the entrance. He didn't say anything, looked at Jared with the face of a few friends and the clear message "say what you have to say and get out". The chestnut however was decided, he was not going to leave without knowing what had happened. 

  


“May I come in?,” he asked calmly. Jensen looked at him annoyed. 

  


“Not now Jared...” He leaned back and began to close the door. 

  


Jared was quicker to place the palm of his hand against it, preventing it from closing. 

  


“Don't fuck with me, Jensen! What was that about before?” 

  


There was a little struggle without much intensity until Jensen let go of the door, giving his back to it and headed towards the inside of the caravan. 

  


“I told you I'm sorry. I'm not going to apologize anymore. You don't have to come and give me the talk.” 

  


He took a glass from one of the furniture and looked for some ice in the freezer to serve himself a long jet of the Four Roses bottle he had on the counter. Jared had stopped a short distance away and looked at him between surprised and worried. Without saying anything he imitated him in his movements and poured himself another glass. 

  


“Jared..., we're not going to have a therapy session, okay? I have to leave in a little while, they're waiting for me for other tests.” 

  


Jared played deaf, with all the tranquility of the world he sat down on one side of the small table with which the caravan was equipped. 

  


“You don't have to go anywhere," he said quietly as he took a small sip of his glass. 

  


Jared's gray eyes stared at his friend's greens, which now glowed irritably. He hated when Jared did that, he hated his condescension. 

  


“Why did you do that?,” he asked annoyedly. The chestnut shrugged with an innocent expression but a direct and inquisitive look. 

  


“You tell me...” 

  


Jensen turned to the window, his hands resting on the edge of the worktop, holding tightly. He bowed his head in resignation, exhaling a loud sigh. 

  


“I'm sorry, okay?,” he said now in a low voice, “All of a sudden everything was mixed up, I couldn't distinguish it, again it was all wrong.... I'm sorry Jared, really...” 

  


“All wrong? What are you talking about? It's because of the divorce... Is there any news?” 

  


“No, that's not it! Everything's the same. Leave it, okay? It doesn't matter...” Jensen was starting to get impatient. Couldn't he understand that he didn't want to talk about it?

  


“Look at you Jensen... You're not well. I'm just worried. You're not like that, not in your job. You can't keep it all to yourself. You have me here, talk to me...” 

  


Jensen laughed, a bitter laugh that left Jared quiet. 

  


“And you don't understand that I can't, no..., I don't want to talk about it with you...” He was dragging his words while clinging even tighter to the piece of furniture, he was sure that if he let go of it he would hit him again, even if he didn't understand why he was behaving like that. 

  


“Am I to understand, then, that the problem is with me?.”Jared was confused. 

  


“Understand whatever you want," snorted the blonde. 

  


The caravan was filled with the silence of both, each in his own thoughts. Jensen wanted him gone, he needed time to clear up all the chaos that now reigned in his head and worsened when he was near him. Jared trying to think what he had done wrong now. 

  


The chestnut was confused, Jensen's mood swings dislocated him and gave him very ambiguous feelings. But the one that prevailed among all was the desire to fix it, to fix whatever happened to his friend, to protect him from all the pain he could see he was feeling. He was frustrated because he didn't know how to act, he wanted to get closer and to the same extent he feared his rejection. He saw the barriers that the blonde raised between them and he did not know if he would be able to jump over them, he did not even know if he should. 

  


His face was saddened when he thought he understood the meaning of what he had said. He only had to ask to get out of doubt, did he want to do it or did he leave it as it was? He did not know what would be worse. Lately he seemed to know nothing. Definitely better to finish once and for all, how long were they going to put up with this tug-of-war. There were too many open wounds, too many things that remained unresolved. He thought that time would have cushioned everything, but of course he had made a mistake. 

  


“What things came into your head Jensen? Are we going to keep talking about the past?,” he asked sadly, "I thought we were past it, it's been a long time...” 

  


Jensen closed his eyes. He wondered if he really wanted to go through with it. He knew that Jared was giving him the opportunity to say what he had been silent for so long, but what would be the result? would they be all right after all? would he be all right? He couldn't know. Tired, he turned to see his companion. He was tense, he could tell by the way his hands clutched tightly around the glass, his eyes looked dull, sad, resigned. He waited, that's the image left to Jensen, Jared waited for the storm to fall on him. 

  


_"Damn it! He and his condescension,"_ Jensen thought ironically. _"Will he be able to stand there and say nothing?”_ Thinking about it was infuriating him more and more. He finally got carried away. 

  


“Everything has to do with the past, Jared. That time has passed? That we had overcome it?” A bitter laughter escaped his lips . “Well, no! No, Jared! Wise up!. I'm not over it!” 

  


“Sorry...,” Jared was going to continue, but he was quickly interrupted. 

  


“Stop being sorry! I'm sick of your apologies! You're sorry, but you left me. You're sorry, but you betrayed me. You're sorry, but you lied to me, Jared. And you know what the worst thing is?” Jared didn't say anything, he looked at his hands shrunken, without being able to face his interlocutor. “The worst, Jared,” every word distilled rage. “The worst thing is that not even the guilt of what's happening now is yours. What pisses me off the most is that it's my fault. Mine for letting you affect me so much, for letting you condition my life, for not being able to tell you: no, Jared, because I've never been able to do it. And most of all, it's my fault for agreeing to be here with you when I knew I couldn't handle the situation, because I can't be by your side without imagining and wishing what my life would be like if you hadn't done that.” 

  


Jensen suddenly fell silent, as if saying everything he had kept had left him without strength. He looked at Jared, who was still head down, in silence. A silence that was falling like a slab on Jensen. 

  


“I can imagine it too," he said at last in a whisper. Jensen put his hands to his face as he sighed tired. 

  


“Don't do this to me, Jared...,” he asked sadly. The chestnut stood up trying to keep his hands off his friend's face. Jensen moved quickly. “Go away Jared. Please...” 

  


“No," answered the highest. “I think so too, I've been doing it for a long time Jensen. I know it was a mistake, I'm sorry, I got scared. The intensity of what I felt for you scared me and I looked for a way out, a wrong one, now I know. But I can't go back in time. I can't, even if I wanted to.” 

  


“Great," said Jensen bitterly. "Thank you for making me feel even more stupid. Seriously... Go away.” 

  


“No," he said again. Strangely enough, he felt calm as opposed to the effect he was having on Jensen. 

  


“Go away!,” shouted the blond man pushing his friend's chest, Jared staggered a couple of steps but stayed in place. “You have everything you wanted, Jared. You have a wife, you have children and a respectable life. Don't you dare tell me now that you love me or that you were wrong. Don't you dare.” 

  


“But it's the truth, Jensen.” The blond's green eyes shone with fury, full of anger and pain. “I always knew it, I denied it and after a while I forgot it, I forgot it in my daily routine, but when I saw you that day at the airport, when I kissed you in your room? I've tried, I've tried to stay away, I haven't bothered you, but you look bad and I can't...” 

  


“Are you listening to yourself?” Jensen laughed, laughed bitterly, disappointed, laughed for not crying. “You promised me..., you promised that nothing would happen. I took this job because you said nothing would happen!.” The tone of voice rose with each word trembling with anger and fear. 

  


“Jensen...” The chestnut's hand finally touched his shoulder, paralyzing him instantly, and he no longer wanted to fight to get rid of it. 

  


“Well," he said with apparent serenity, "You love me, so what? What's the plan then? Are you going to leave your wife? Are you going to tell everyone? Have you already found the courage you didn't have then?” 

  


The blond's words stuck like daggers in Jared's chest. He had to admit, even if it was only for him, that he didn't have the answers to those questions. He hadn't thought about it yet, everything was going so fast... 

  


“Give me time," he begged, "I can fix it.” 

  


Jensen laughed again, when all that had become a stupid joke. 

  


“Hasn't six years been long enough, Jared? I didn't need so much to know that I loved you, to know that I was never going to stop.” 

  


Jared felt the certainty of those words like a hard slap, he couldn't do anything about the past. He closed his eyes for a moment unable to hold his friend's questioning and aching gaze. 

  


“You’re right,” he said tired. “It's been a long time, I don't suppose I have the right...” His face looked sorrowful, ashamed, he opened his eyes full of supplication, looking for Jensen's eyes that changed again and again, dominated by uncertainty, anxiety, disbelief, fear.... 

  


The chestnut’s big hands clung to both sides of his face. Jensen began to tremble, took his hands to hold the wrists of the other wanting to move them, but without the strength to do so. He felt that he was again at the edge of the precipice and he was sure that he would fall through it, he would fall and that would be his end. He prayed, he prayed with his gaze to Jared, asking him to stop, because he was the only one who could hold him. Unfortunately, he was also the one who could push him if he didn't stop. 

  


“Get out, Jared... Please,” asked again in a whisper. His throat felt rough and dry, his voice came out strangled, he noticed that he was drowning, the air was missing between the two of them. 

  


Jared closed his eyes, he didn't want to see that heartbreaking plea in the sad look on his friend's face, if he saw it his conscience would convince him of the truth that he was denying himself, which told him that as then, he was once again an egoist deciding for both of them, breaking his promises over and over again. 

  


_"This time it will be different, I will fix it, if you leave me Jensen, we will be fine"_. He said to himself. Clearly, his conscience was wrong. He rested his forehead on his friend's, breathing agitated, noticing the other body shaking under his hands. _"Forgive me Jensen... Please forgive me...Forgive me for everything..., forgive me for what I'm going to do..."_

  


Jared bowed his head just enough so that his lips could rub against each other. Jensen felt a chill running down his spine, paralyzing every muscle in his body, he felt so tense that he believed the bones could be broken by the pressure of his stiff muscles. He felt the moisture in his cheeks caused by the tears that had piled under his eyelids and that now he was not able to contain. 

  


Jared's thumb moved delicately to pick up some of those silent tears. “Shhh...,” the chestnut tried to calm him as he placed a new kiss on his lips. Small, soft kisses, asking for permission, letting the other one get used to it little by little. “Please Jensen, please..." he whispered again against his mouth. Jensen was terrified, immersed in a terrible inner struggle, knowing that he was going to lose it. 

  


The chestnut's lips provoked him, pressed sweetly on his, catching them, inciting them to respond. He wanted to resist, he wanted to yell at him to leave, to leave him alone, not to ruin his life again, he wanted to yell at him so many things... But he couldn't, he and his bloody incapacity in everything to do with Jared. His lips moved on their own, slowly, responding shyly. The chestnut's lips curled into a small smile. 

  


Jared's tongue dared to traverse his friend's thick lower lip, delighting in him, pressing on his union with the upper, asking for a permit which was quickly granted. The wet muscle moved delicately inside the other mouth, exploring every corner, loving every inch of skin it found. Jared took his time, reassuring his partner, wanting to make him forget the doubts, asking him to trust him. 

  


“Are you all right?,” he asked, separating himself for a moment from his mouth. Jensen opened his eyes until now closed, Jared was surprised to find himself in front of an infinite well of sadness and insecurity. 

  


“No," replied the blond. Jared hesitated, let go of his partner's face, a little disconcerted. He took a frightened step back, thinking how stupid he was, overwhelmed by that look. 

  


Jensen's hand clutched to his t-shirt stopped their retreat, for a moment they remained so, studying themselves, interrogating themselves with their gaze, deciding both of them whether they should continue or stop. Jensen took the initiative now, with his hand on the nape of the chestnut, he was drawn him to his lips, there was more intensity now, there was need, anguish, pain, haste... it was all Jensen felt, all he had felt during those lost years. Jared gave him back repentance, apologies, thanks..., Jared asked him for forgiveness. And Jensen accepted it, for God's sake he accepted it, even though inside he couldn't believe it. 

  


Jared let go of his tie, which remained loose on his neck, and with trembling fingers he began to unbutton his shirt. Hands slipped across his now uncovered chest, down to his waist, around it, bringing him closer to him. Jensen bristled under the contact of those fingers that left a trace of warmth and desire on his skin. Jared's lips moved fleetingly around his neck and shoulders, depositing small kisses and lickings that made him sigh. 

  


He tugged at the bottom of the chestnut t-shirt that raised his arms, making it easier for him to take it off. Skin on skin, they lost each other for an infinite time, languid caresses that tried to recognize the touch of then in the one of now. Hands that explored, touched, pressed and made them tremble in a mixture of mixed feelings, while their mouths were called, they said their names abandoned in each other. 

  


Jensen pulled the belt of the chestnut inciting him to follow him, without separating in the slightest they reached the bed, the hands of the blond unbuttoned the pants of the other, letting him fall to the ground and then unbutton theirs. Slowly, the two of them lay down on the bed, legs and arms entangled, continuing with what they had started a few moments before. Their hips moved in search of each other, giving themselves to the pleasure of the rubbing of their hardened limbs, increasing the cadence while his desire increased. 

  


Desire repressed, silenced for so long, pushed and forgotten in some dark corner of their minds to live a lie they could not maintain now. 

  


“Jensen, Jensen...” 

  


“Jared...” 

  


It was all they could hear, what they wanted to hear. They let themselves go for a time that became eternal and at the same time so short until they felt that they could no longer delay the longed-for liberation that their bodies demanded of them. With the name of the other in their mouth the orgasm ran over them with force, leaving them exhausted, sweaty and satisfied. Trying to regulate the accelerated rhythm of their now rampant hearts, with soft kisses full of tenderness, promise and hope.


	9. A question of trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everybody.
> 
> First of all, Happy New Year. My best wishes to all of you, may 2019 fill you with happiness. Secondly, thank you for being here, I hope you like it. I'm sorry for possible mistakes, I'm trying to do the best I can.   
> Kiss

**Chapter 9: A Question of Trust**

 

Jensen's first awakening sensation was one of peace, enveloped in the pleasant warmth of Jared's arms that surrounded him in a possessive manner. He remembered that feeling, he had missed it so much. Now, after the first moment, he didn't know what to think. He turned his head a little bit, enough to be able to observe the peaceful face of his lover who was still asleep.

 

He couldn't stop a smile from appearing on his fase, he had dreamt so much of those features, recreating them in his mind over and over again for so long, and now he could delight in them again. He thought of caressing them, but he was afraid to wake him up, no, he did not want that. He wanted to fix them in his mind, to treasure them once more because he knew that as soon as they came out of that bed, this had to end, no matter how much it hurt him, he preferred to end it now before the damage to him was greater.

 

He hid his face in the neck of the tallest one, inhaling his aroma, the smell of Jared, that mixture obtained from his skin, his sweat and the same cologne used for years, the one he once gave him and which he never changed. He smiled sadly when he thought that this was a small triumph of his, something that Jared had kept from him, well, perhaps it was nonsense and he only used it out of habit, but today he was going to allow himself to think that it was not.

 

Jared moved at the contact, still asleep he clung even more to the body next to him, as if he needed to know he was still there. Jensen let himself be done, leaning his head on the strong chest of the chestnut, he lost himself in the slow rhythm of his heart. It was almost another two hours before Jared woke up. Once consciousness made its way into his sleepy mind, his initial smile was replaced by an expression of strangeness. As he stretched his arm to his side, he found only the heartbroken touch of cold, empty sheets.

 

Heavily incorporating his head, he glanced around, through the door of the small room the caravan was equipped with, he could see a part of Jensen, seated at the table with a serious gesture and a cup of what must have been a coffee. His initial fears that Jensen would be gone evaporated a bit, although by his expression, not at all. Deliberately slowly, trying to delay the meeting with the blond as much as possible, fearing what was going to happen, he got out of bed putting on his boxers and trousers before leaving.

 

Jensen watched him as he crossed the doorframe, he was still amazed at that strange combination of which only Jared was capable, that enormous, muscular and defined body, together with those eyes and those childish gestures, which at that particular moment made him look like he was in front of a child, one who knows that he has done something wrong, but who hopes that it will not be taken into account. Jensen sighed as he looked down at his coffee again.

 

Jared studied his gestures worried, he didn't regret what had happened, he believed in everything he had said to Jensen, word for word. But he feared what his reaction would be now that he was not subject to the tension and emotional bombardment unleashed in the discussion that evening. With a hesitant gesture he entered the room approaching his companion with the intention of kissing him, the look that crossed with him at that moment stopped him.

 

“What's going on?,” he asked worriedly as he dropped into the chair in front of him.

 

Jensen remained silent without looking at him, Jared knew from the expression on his face that his friend was struggling in an inner struggle. It frightened him, but he convinced himself to wait and hear what he had to say before intervening.

 

“Let's leave it here, shall we?,” he whispered. During the fraction of a second that his eyes met Jared saw fear again, but he also saw doubt.

 

“What do you mean?,” he asked cautiously without losing a single detail of his friend's face. Jensen snorted, looking away from the window, looking through it without really looking at anything.

 

“Nothing's happened yet, Jared, let's leave it here. It's been really fucking great, it's been more than great. But now, please, we're not hurt yet, I can get through this...” His voice and his hands were shaking clinging to the smoking cup. “I..., fuck..., I don't know...” Anguished, he rubbed his face to finally fix his eyes on him again. In his eyes there was supplication. “Let's just leave it, okay?”

 

He had to keep his eyes on him, he had to be firm, Jared had to see it, understand what he was saying and leave. _"Please, if there's anyone there to help me, let him understand, let him not want argue. I won't have the strength for that."_

 

Jared's expression darkened for a moment as he seemed to think, immediately became serious, looking decidedly at the person in front of him.

 

“No," he said bluntly. Jensen's expression became anguished. Nervous, he got up trying to increase the distance, he needed space. Why did he get the feeling that they were repeating the previous discussion? Jared followed him to his back, gently placing his hands on each other's hips.

 

“Why don't you believe me?,” he asked against his blond hair where he had just deposited a tender kiss. “Don't you want to be with me?”

 

Jensen leaned his back against his chest and breathed a long sigh.

 

“Is that what you think?”

 

“No, I don't think so. But I don't understand you," he replied softly.

 

“I want to be with you..., that's what I've always wanted, but I find it hard to believe you Jared, I want to do it, but I can't get the idea out of my head, I can't stop thinking that you'll fail me again, it's superior to me.”

 

“Are you ever going to forgive me that?,” he asked, circling his waist now. Jensen rests his hands on the forearms of the tallest, hesitating between pushing it aside and holding on tighter.

 

“Maybe I've forgiven you already," he said thoughtfully, Jared was relieved to hear him, although he lost it when Jensen kept talking. “But I can't forget it, especially when it's a constant reminder of every image I see with her by your side.”

 

**…… 6 years earlier ……**

 

A little over a month had passed since he had that conversation with Jared. A time when everything had become colder between them. Jared was distant and seemingly indifferent to all their attempts to talk. Jensen went through every possible emotional phase, first he was surprised, really surprised was to fall short, at no time would he have imagined that he would find himself in that situation.

 

Then he got angry, after a week and fed up with those looks with which Jared seemed to constantly reproach him, he couldn't take it anymore and exploded. He shouted, complained, asked for explanations and despaired again at the lack of reaction of the chestnut, which simply weathered the storm and after a while left, leaving him before he could get a word in edgewise, even more disconcerted. That night he didn't come to sleep and it was the first of so many that came later in which Jensen didn't sleep.

 

Then he begged, he wasn't ashamed to admit it, he asked Jared to reconsider, he tried to convince him that everything had a solution, about the children, about making their relationship public or in any case if he didn't want to, he tried to explain how they could be kept safe. Nothing seemed to reach the chestnut's ears, and what puzzled him most was that at all times he felt pressured by it, that it tried to convince him and seemed to leave the decision in his hands. If it wasn't because it wasn't funny, he would laugh. Jared wanted to break up and wanted his permission to do so.

 

Now everything had become a tense routine, they ate breakfast, went to work, came back, ate dinner and went to bed. Jared's indifference was killing him, the few times they had intimidated Jared had practically let himself be done, the last one, Jensen gave up frustrated, he had not tried again.

 

_“Do you think we could go on with this for a long time?”_

_“I don't know, we're here now, aren't we? Even what I thought, we were fine. I didn't set a date, which you want me to tell you...”_

_“Jen, with our careers it's not something we can afford. If all this were known, everything would be ruined.”_

_“But what are you saying? We already knew all this, we decided to keep it that way and see how far we could go.”_

_“Maybe I didn't think about it as much as I should... Don't you want to have children, Jen?”_

_“I don't know... I hadn't thought about it. I guess so. But this is absurd, Jared, don't make excuses for me that we could solve in due course. We could adopt if it were the case.”_

_“I want my own children... and I'm sure you'll want them too....”_

_“Don't do this to me...”_

_“Just think about it..., I'm sorry...”_

 

Just think about it, he said. And he hadn't been able to stop, the damned conversation was going round and round in his head without leaving him a moment of respite. But no, he wasn't willing to give up what they had. During all the time they had been together, the love for Jared had only grown, he couldn't imagine his life without him, he didn't care about anything else, he would be able to give up everything, he was sure of it. He convinced himself that they only needed time, that all couples have a bump at some point. He could pull that relationship, he would, until Jared realized his mistake.

 

That night he arrived home late, the exteriors had been complicated by an intermittent rain that seemed determined to appear at the most inopportune moment. Tired and with the cold accommodated until in the last fiber of his body, he said goodbye to all, with the only idea in his head occupied by a sofa and a chimney, in that idea was also Jared, but at this moment he knew that that part of his idyllic image was going to be practically impossible. He sighed resignedly before putting in the key and opening the door.

 

The unusual silence should have surprised him, but it did not. Tired as he was, his mind seemed only occupied with finishing everything to settle as quickly as possible on the sofa. He left the keys on the small saucer they had in the sideboard for that purpose, Jared's keys were also there, he didn't notice, just as he didn't notice the small white coat hanging on the coat rack at the entrance. He took off his shoes while looking at the mail addressed to his name, took it with a distracted gesture and opened it as he climbed the stairs to his room where he planned to take a long hot shower.

 

The door was ajar and the light filtered through it through the dark corridor, suddenly he was aware of Jared's presence, it was rare that at that time he was already in bed, he usually spent time watching old movies or basketball games, perhaps he was reading, he thought as he walked down the corridor. What he could never have imagined, even in the worst of his nightmares, would be what he saw the moment he opened the door.

 

Time froze at that very moment for him, he was never going to be able to erase that image from his mind. That little woman's body, whose only view was of her back, covered in part by smooth black hair, moved rhythmically sitting on her boyfriend's legs, whose arms surrounded her completely as his mouth slipped over her small shoulders.

 

The pain struck Jensen with fury. The pain and incomprehension when he felt Jared's gray eyes fixed on him, answering the questioning gesture of his face with a coldness that left him colder than he already was. The girl didn't even notice his presence, Jared didn't stop showing her his affection, he didn't even hesitate, he didn't say anything, he didn't try to explain himself, he didn't tell him that everything wasn't what it seemed, he didn't do anything. He just continued kissing her without taking his eyes off him until he left the room closing the door again.

 

For a moment, he was as paralyzed in the hallway as he had been inside the room. His eyes felt burning as they filled with tears he did not want to shed. It couldn't be true, it was repeated over and over again, but the tightness in his chest confirmed that yes, that was really happening. He had to get out of there before he collapsed completely and the humiliation was much greater. He drove for hours with a lost mind and a broken soul until he ended up in one of those strange motels that came out so much in the show.

 

He drank, he drank as much alcohol as possible in the vain attempt to forget, the only thing he managed was to fall unconscious on the garlic bedspread of that disgusting bed. When he woke up it was almost nine o'clock in the evening the next day. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he had to hold his head in his hands to cushion the intense dizziness that beset him. He groped for his cell phone, abandoned on the bedside table. It was turned off, he remembers that he did it when he arrived in the room, for a moment he doubt whether to turn it on or not. Perhaps he could disappear altogether, not have to face anything else, the little reason he had left told him that it would not be possible.

 

He turned it on, and within a minute, the long succession of warnings made him regret having done so. Fearfully, he slid his finger across the screen, missed calls, text messages, whatsapp, almost everyone from work, a call from his mother, and a couple of messages from Chris. No Jared. Disgusted, he dropped his cell phone to go back to bed, but every time he closed his eyes everything came back, so he thought it would be better to get out of there before going crazy.

 

He didn't plan to go home, staying in the caravan didn't seem like a good idea either, too many explanations, Chris would have been his best option but he was on tour, so all he had left was to find a hotel, one that didn't look at all like the hovel where he ended up. Before leaving he called the production company apologizing for not having given signs of life, using as an excuse the fever, probably caused by the rain that soaked them the night before. He said he was in a terrible state and asked for permission for one or two more days. They didn't like the idea at all, but they finally agreed.

 

It was two long days, in which he did not go out or talk to anyone other than room service. For a long time he thought, why, how had he been able, what had he done? He found no logical answer, but what made the least sense was, that after two days, he had not heard from him, as if nothing had happened.

 

His return to work was worse than he thought, everyone noticed his emaciated appearance, he was pale and dark bags surrounded his eyes, he looked dejected and tired. The first time he met Jared he was surprised, for a moment he thought he saw a hint of worry when his eyes met, but he must have imagined it because the second was covered again by that fabric of indifference to which he was never going to get used. He wanted to come closer, ask him, complain, but it was neither the time nor the place and although he had decided at that moment, Jared had already left.

 

Days passed in which only coincided in the moment of filming, Jared avoided him, did not answer his calls and could never find him alone. What hurt him most was that most of the time he was with that brunette, who of course now knew who she was. The news of the compromise between Jared and Genevieve just broke him, found out by a magazine, the ad was on the front page, everyone on the set seemed happy and excited with the ad. He felt that his heart was torn with each smile he was forced to give back to each person who told him the happy news.

 

With the magazine in his hand he looked for Jared, who spoke to one of the assistant directors who gave him some indications. Jared looked up when he noticed his presence. His eyes moved alternately from his face to the magazine he held in his hand. Kindly, he said goodbye to the assistant and began to walk into a corner out of sight of all, Jensen followed. When he was finally in front of him and alone, he didn't know what to say. The other simply waited.

 

“Why are you doing this to me?.” He finally asked, not knowing how, he felt the words strangled in his throat, "Don't you have anything to say to me? Don't I deserve an explanation? Do I have to find out from a fucking magazine?.” Without realizing it, his tone of voice went up, full of anger and indignation.

 

Jared sighed. He seemed ashamed, but he kept looking at him without hesitation.

 

“It's for the best, Jensen," he said slowly.

 

The blond could not believe what he heard, he threw the magazine with rage against the wall in front of him and then carried his hand to his head in an anguished gesture.

 

“The best? The best for whom?,” he spat in rage.

 

“For both of us... Jensen..., I'll always be your friend. We'll never lose that...”

 

The blond extended his arms with the clear intention of silencing the minor, his eyes reflected the incredulity that tormented his mind in those moments, suddenly all the accumulated tension became unbearable, so that fight if the other person did not do it, why do more harm.

 

“All right...,” he said dejected. “So that's what you want?” He asked, his whole body tense, his jaw clenched, and his gaze filled with anger, contempt, and pain.

 

Jared thought for a moment, but finally nodded. Jensen closed his eyes in pain, exhaled the air he had held tightly and finally spoke.

 

“OK, we're done. Tomorrow I'll get my things. I hope you know what you're doing.” That said, he left, eliminating the option for a possible answer.

 

**……NOW……**

 

“Why did you do it? Why with her? Why in our bed?”

 

Jensen thought that maybe now, after a few years, he could get an answer that would help him understand. Jared spun him in his arms so that he could see him. The chestnut's changing eyes seemed filled with sorrow and regret. Jensen didn't look away, he needed to know.

 

“I had to take you away, I knew I wasn't going to convince you. I had to make you do it, I know it was cruel, but at that moment I couldn't think of any other way. I know I hurt you and I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, I really...”

 

Jared apologized as his hands caressed the blond's back with tenderness. Jensen looked at him indecisive, analyzing each word. After so long he didn't know what to say.

 

“You hurt me so much Jared, you humiliated me and you didn't give me any explanation, as I told you I don't think it's something I'll ever forget...”

 

“I know," interrupted the chestnut, "I know I don't deserve anything, but let me try.” He fixed his eyes on the blond trying to convey the sincerity of his words. “This time I'll do it right, I swear Jen.” Without looking away the look leaned over to kiss him gently. Jensen closed his eyes and responded to the kiss shyly.

 

 _"Ackles..., you and your bloody incapacity..."_ he thought as he let himself be carried away by those longed-for lips.


	10. All is well

Chapter 10: All is well

 

Sitting on the highest crossbeam of an old wooden fence surrounding the old farmhouse where they were filming, Jared enjoyed the warm rays of the sun on his back as he watched Jensen perform. He had never said it to him before, but he loved doing it, he admired Jensen from the first time he saw him work. He was conscientious in preparing his character, always trying to give his best. He read and reread the scripts and it was really difficult that he made a mistake or that he had to repeat a scene for his fault. He was surprised by his ability to transform himself into a single fraction of a second, now he was Jensen, now he was Dean. 

As he sat there watching, his glances crossed for a few seconds, he noticed in his friend's gaze a funny glow when they coincided and that made him smile. There were many ideas that went through Jared's head when he saw Jensen and from a few weeks to this part it seemed that they only increased. They had been filming for five weeks, four weeks since he had convinced Jensen to return to their relationship. It was taking some time, but little by little it seemed that he was succeeding in breaking the high barriers that the blond had built against him. 

He felt lucky, he never imagined having another chance with him, not after what he had done, he was very aware of it. How foolish he had been, he should never have been so, he should have found another way, no, to be honest with himself, he should never have been separated from him. During all these years important things had happened in his life and undoubtedly many happy moments, but nothing was comparable to how he felt by his side. He had never felt more complete, with anyone and much less with Gen. 

He sighed when he remembered his wife, surprised to discover that he had not thought of her in those weeks. In the balance between Jensen and Genevieve his choice was now clear, but he would have to think how to tell her, he didn't want to hurt her, no more than she was going to suffer, she didn't deserve it. He didn't want any more accumulated grudges as he had with Jensen and there was also the issue of children. That's what really worried him. He had a lot to think about. 

“You're very serious. Is something wrong?”

Surprised, he turned to his right, where he found Jensen standing, resting his arms on the same crossbar he was sitting on, his shoulder touching his hip. He made him smile because of the way he showed him in public that he was there, with him. The blond man raised his face to look at him, his eyes narrowed to counteract the effects of the sun giving him a face, a warm smile on his lips. For a moment, he forgot everything that worried him and felt really happy. 

“No, nothing special.” He placed his hand on the blond's shoulder, squeezing it in a loving gesture and then leaning on it to come down from the fence shoulder to shoulder. 

“And the face?,” he asked as he gave him a slight push. 

“What's wrong with it?” 

“Don't be an idiot, you looked worried.”

Jensen looked at him with interest, but he just rolled his eyes as if he didn't know what he was talking about. 

“You're right, I was worried," he replied a moment later in a serious manner and then remained silent looking at the horizon. Jensen waited a prudent time, but before the stillness of the other, he decided to pull slightly on his arm to put it in front of him.

“And well?,” he asked a little worried. Jared seemed to hesitate, took some more time and Jensen was already getting nervous, squeezing his arm tenderly inviting him to speak, the other raised his eyes that keeped on one of the lower crosspieces of the fence, he seemed embarrassed. 

“Look…,” he said nervous. “It's something that worries me a lot, you know?.” Jensen nodded in agreement that he was listening, "I don't know... I'm a little embarrassed to tell you....” 

“Jared..., you can tell me anything...” He didn't want to say it, but he was getting pretty worried, he still didn't quite trust him despite being more and more comfortable with Jared every day. He didn't want any surprises. He looked at him trying not to make his insecurity noticeable, even though he didn't know if he was doing well. 

“Well...,” he began to drag the tip of his boot back and forth across the earth. Jensen was wondering if he had to wind it up or something to get it started. “It worries me a lot, a lot... Don't hold my rhythm tonight with everything I have in mind to do to you," said the last sentence of the run, just enough to gain a couple of seconds to escape Jensen's arm whose face went from worry to surprise and then to indignation in a second. 

“Son of a...!,” He couldn't finish the sentence if he wanted to catch Jared running zigzag trying to dodge him while he was laughing. People started to look at them encouraging funny to Jensen when finally got to placate the tall rolling the two through the meadow. 

Both were laughing now, their breathing shaken by the race, lying on their backs looking at the sky above them, which looked blue and clear for the time of year they were in. Jensen patted his partner's chest a couple of times. 

“We'll see who's lacking the strength tonight," he said mockingly. 

“Do we have to wait until tonight?.” Jared's eyes replied mischievously to the surprised look of the oldest. “Do you have anything to do now?,” he asked knowingly that the blond was free until the late afternoon. 

“Nothing, and you?.” The voice had become deeper in a moment, the green eyes were walking slowly through the body of the chestnut. 

“Shall we go for a walk?,” he asked as he stood up and offered his hand in a helping gesture. A broad smile appeared on Jensen's lips as he narrows it firmly to propel himself. 

With a smile and a few gestures from their hands, they indicated to those who were still looking at them that everything had ended well and that the joke was over, people continued with their chores as they walked away from one of the boundaries surrounding the farm. They walked practically in silence, enjoying the closeness of the other and the beauty of the landscape, which after leaving the areas of pasture and farming, opened before them like a beautiful succession of birches, maples and oaks that contrasted the blue of the sky with the red and yellow of its leaves. Between them and on the edge of the road they were now walking, the energetic sound of a mountain spring accompanied them. 

Jared thought for a moment but was finally carried away by the impulse to hold Jensen's hand with his own. The oldest looked at him somewhat surprised, which made the blush go up to his cheeks and tried to let go, but Jensen prevented it by intertwining his fingers with his. He went to say something, but Jensen's raised eyebrow stopped him. 

“Neither think about it...” He warned amusingly. Jared threw his head back in a thunderous laughter, and then continued walking even closer to his companion while he shook his head. Jensen glanced sidelong at him with a funny smile on his lips. 

Jensen's palm felt warm in his, radiating that warmth through his arm to his chest, comforting him. It felt good, better than good. He couldn't help but look furtively to his left, Jensen's face attracted him powerfully, he wanted to have a camera, to be able to capture the beauty of the silhouette of his profile, now trimmed by the bright light that filtered through the leaves of the trees. 

Jensen also looked at him, quick and nervous looks, sometimes they crossed his and when that happened, the two quickly turned their eyes to the road, hiding smiles, squeezing each other's hand more strongly, becoming accomplices to each other, laughing to themselves and feeling both as teenagers of fourteen, somewhat stupid, nervous, but convinced and eager to move forward. 

They walked for a little while longer until they came across a small clearing, without realizing they had been climbing all the way up, the slope had not been pronounced, but if constant and now, a beautiful view opened up before them. At their back and along their left flank, they were still surrounded by those old trees that now made a wall between them and the rest of the world below. In front of them the clearing opened up, allowing them to see a wide valley at their feet, dotted with greens, reds and yellows, wild beauty of which Canada could boast without hesitation. 

Jared looked in astonishment at the vast expanse before them, he did not realize that Jensen had released him, he did not until he noticed his arms around his waist and his chest against his back. He noticed his warm breath on his neck and the vibration of his words as he spoke against him, it made his skin bristle. 

“It's beautiful..." Jensen whispered beside his ear in a slow, hoarse, dark voice, "Like you.” 

Jared perceived the desire, smiling to himself, feeling how his body responded on its own, he noticed his heart racing at times. How could a single sentence provoke him like that. 

He turned between the arms of the elder until he stood in front of him. He looked slowly across his face until he fixed it in the green of the other's eyes, which competed in beauty with the landscape. “Do you think I'm beautiful?,” he asked slowly, provocative, bowing his head until he almost touched each other's thick and appetizing lips. 

“I think so..." he replied, sharing his breath with the chestnut, trying to eliminate the minimum distance that separated them but without achieving it. Jared's lips moved fleetingly, he felt his slight touch on the cheek, an almost imperceptible caress on the skin, until he felt again the warmth of his words next to his ear. 

“You are beautiful...” He closed his teeth on the tender lobe of his ear, pulling on it, sucking on it as he caressed it with his tongue. Jensen grunted at the caress, intensifying the grip on the chestnut's waist, bringing it closer to him. Jared unraveled the path until he was again in front of his lips, moving over them, but almost without touching them, Jensen realized the game and decided to follow it, it was exciting and provocative. 

Breaths became heavy, both felt them in the little space they gave each other. The dark glances, the pupils so dilated by desire that they had almost lost their colour, reduced to fine shining lines around large black irises. 

“I like you so much...,” Jared whispered, "I love your eyes, I'd get lost in them over and over again, those huge eyelashes.” He spoke slowly on the lips of the elder, the hands of both moved languidly on the back of the opposite, there was no hurry, there was nothing but the two of them. “I love your freckles...” He continued, "I used to count them one night while you were sleeping, you know?.” He went on as he brushed his cheek with that of the older man who now closed his eyes overwhelmed by a sharp pain as he heard the other man's confession. His body tightened imperceptibly, but enough for Jared who knew him well. 

He cradled the blond's face in his hands, staring him in the eyes with intensity. Again he saw that faint hint of fear that he never seemed capable of abandoning and that saddened him for a moment. “Shh... let's forget the past, shall we? It's just you and me, here and now. Are you with me Jensen?” 

Jensen nodded with a small smile on his lips. Jared looked down at them, felt his throat dry and couldn't help passing his thumb over the thick lower lip, caressing it sweetly. 

“And I love your lips too," he muttered, leaning towards them until they finally joined, making them both sigh. Slow kisses, small frictions that only provoked them to want more, tender, languid, without haste. They separated for a moment, looking for each other with their glance, telling each other so many things in a dialogue that only they understood. 

Jensen entangled his fingers in the soft threads of the chestnut's hair, drawing him back to his mouth. He lazily wandered his tongue through the lips of the youngest until he felt as if the other one was passing through the entrance. A grunt of pleasure escaped from his mouth as he felt it. His tongue explored curiously, going through every corner, filling itself with the taste of Jared which in turn began to respond in the same way. Their tongues danced from cavity to cavity without being able to separate, fitting perfectly as if they were made for each other. 

Jared's hands snuck under the blonde's shirt, he couldn't describe what the soft skin contact under his fingertips made him feel. His fingers rose from the blond's firm belly to his chest. “Jensen...” He groaned as he felt the other's heart rush under his palm. “Jared...” he whispered on his lips. 

The intensity of the kisses and the caresses rose, they became more demanding, more needy, both felt the legs weak, held only by the arms of the other. They stopped for a moment, looking around, obviously there was nothing. Jensen took off his jacket and shirt, spreading them on the floor. Jared looked at him amusingly, but it didn't take him long to imitate him. 

“We look like girls," he said with a smile. The blonde raised an eyebrow. 

“I want to fuck you, not catch pneumonia. This grass is soaked," he said as he removed his t-shirt leaving his torso naked, and sat on the clothes they had put on, patting the free space, telling the other to sit down. 

Jared also stripped off his T-shirt, sitting next to the oldest, his eyes running slowly through him, delighting in every inch of exposed skin. He leaned over his lips to kiss him again. An intense but unhurried kiss, penetrating each other's mouth with his tongue, deepening to the point of moaning with pleasure, trapping his lip between his teeth and pulling on him as he withdrew fascinated by the sensation of letting it go. 

“I don't want you to fuck me.” Jensen looked at him in surprise as he replied to the little kisses that Jared now left on his lips. “I want you to love me...”

 

The blond stopped inmediatly. His eyes nailed questions to the greys of his companion. Jared held his gaze for a moment, but lowered it frightened by the intensity of the other, inquisitive, might say something hard and angry. He was ashamed, Jensen had reason to be upset, but he needed it, he needed it so much. 

“I'm sorry...” He babbled without daring to look at him. “I only wish... that you love me, as before...” He looked up timidly, meeting Jensen's, who was still staring at him with a serious face. 

“I always loved you Jared, I still do. You know that. Now..., this..., I don't know Jay. This is something else, I don't know what.” 

Jensen was mortally serious, only his eyes reflected fear and doubt. 

“Jay, if you ask me to love you, I will. I will do it again, that's what I want most, but please...,” for a moment he closed his eyes giving himself a moment before continuing. “Please..., don't let me down.” 

Shyly, he looked up to get lost in the deep green of Jensen's eyes. He felt himself wrapped for them, he felt the warmth, some insecurity, but also hope; hope put on him, he thought if he would be able to return it, he thought yes. 

“Do it,” requested triying to transmit security, “I won't let you down... not this time. Do it...,” he begged again. 

Jensen noticed something turning inside him. He had longed so much to hear those words, he wanted to dispel doubts and now was the time, Jared had promised him, he had done it, what could go wrong? He wouldn't let him down again, He wouldn't do it again, it was repeated a thousand times for a fraction of a second. And really he, he just wanted to do it, love him, with all the strength, with all the intensity he felt, accumulated for so long separated from him, and this time, this time he would not go, would not leave him again. He was sure... 

Jared waited for what seemed like hours and it was only seconds. His eyes were fixed on Jensen's face, who was now biting his lip while swallowing dry, he was fascinated by the up and down movement of the walnut in his throat, so much so that he didn't notice Jensen moving, not until he felt the warmth of his hand on his chest, gently pressing him to lie down on those clothes that would protect them from the damp grass. 

He obeyed silently, leaning his back on the ground, Jensen leaned to his side, leaning on his elbow, kept his torso and head elevated above him, watched him quietly, noticed how his green eyes slipped down each of his features, down his neck, down his chest and almost to his feet. A shiver of anticipation ran through his body.

He began to tremble when he felt the soft touch of his fingertips on his belly. Jensen slipped his fingers subtly, almost imperceptibly, but as present to Jared as if it were fire on his skin, scorching it in every millimetre as they moved outlining every muscle in his definite belly. 

Jensen looked at him with adoration, forcing himself to go slowly, wanting to extend to the maximum that moment that filled him with happiness. He continued with the caress going up to the strong chest of Jared, where he supported the palm of his hand, appreciating the strong and toned muscles that were rising at once, product of a shortness of breath. He could not avoid a groan of excitement as he had it there, exposed and rendered as he had so often wished. 

He slid the palm up to his neck, stood still for a moment, his thumb and fingers surrounding the wide throat, Jared tilted his head back giving him more space. Unconsciously he moved up to place it under the jawbone, fascinated, in a kind of ecstasy, he pressed. Jared let himself be done, giving it a dark but confident glance. Jensen grunted and a chill ran down his back when he realized what he was doing. 

He closed his lips on Jared's, breathing in the air the chestnut needed. “Jen...” He gasped in his mouth and the blond went mad. Crazy with love and desire. Bending over he covered the chestnut's chest with his own as he slid both hands to his hair, entangling himself in it as his mouths did. 

Jared, unable to remain still any longer, surrounded the older man with his arms, pressing him, bringing him closer to him as if he wanted to melt into his skin. His hands moved across his wide back, clinging to his shoulders and using the grip to push himself more against those lips that devoured him. Again a dance of lips, tongue, teeth and saliva of which they never seemed to tire. He felt a hand sliding down his side, a warm palm on his belly and curious fingers struggling to slip under the waistband of his trousers. 

A drowned gasp escaped from his throat when they succeeded and he felt them closing over his already very excited limb. Delicate but firm caresses, at the right pace, just what he needed. He could not help but raise his hips by hitting against that hand. “Do you like it?”  
The voice sounded distant to him, although he was so close, lost in the sea of sensations that had just been unleashed in front of him. Jensen traced a path of kisses and saliva through his jaw, stopping for a second to look at him. 

His eyes met again, both full of desire and excitement. Jared claimed. “Oh, God... Yes....” Jensen bit his lip hard, repressing the impulse to throw himself on him and finish once and for all when he was filled with the image of Jared. His cheeks rosy, lips ajar, red and swollen by kisses, glassy gaze, brilliant by excitement and desire. 

He carried his lips to his neck to get away from that vision that was upsetting him. He kissed and sucked where the rapid pulse of his lover attracted him powerfully. He went on his way full of kisses and lazy lickings that lit more and more the body trapped beneath him. Jared groaned in distress as Jensen withdrew his hand under his clothes, but soon he noticed how his waist was free and how the rest of his clothes slipped over his legs until in a second they were gone. 

Warm hands moved along the inside of his thighs with devotion, leaving them open and elevated. He felt Jensen position himself between his legs and made the effort to raise his head and look at him. God, he looked so sexy, on his knees between his legs, the drops of sweat slipped down his strong chest, shining in the sunlight, the golden skin of his forearms, now glued to his knees contrasted with the white of his legs. The strong, rough hands glided gently down his thighs, from his knees to his hip, which now held him as he made small circles with his thumbs. 

 

Jensen's gaze was dark, the gesture concentrated and a small smile peered his appetizing lips. Jared suddenly felt lonely, needing more contact to feel closer to him. There was too much distance between them. He extended his arm so that he could touch the other skin by sliding his hand in adoration across each other's chest. He stared at him on the edge of tears, unable to know where the anguish he was feeling right now was coming from. “Kiss me... Please...,” he prayed, his gaze filled with supplication. 

Jensen leaned over him, reaching his longing lips, kissed him hard, pressing the other mouth, trying to respond to the desperate demand of his lover, the chestnut's hands slipped down his back, holding his buttocks over the fabric of his trousers, drawing him up to his hips. He emitted a groaning mixture of pain and pleasure when his hard erection crashed into Jensen's still covered by the jeans’ hard fabric. The rubbing against it seemed him extremely hot. 

Jensen made a great effort to remove his lips from those of the chestnut that looked at him again with grief. The two breathed agitated, sweaty bodies that trembled with every touch, anticipating every caress. The blond caressed with his fingers the reddened lips of his partner, in his eyes a question that the other understood immediately. He caught the hand that caressed him with his own and with a look full of lust, began to lick those fingers, sliding his tongue with deliberate slowness and then make them disappear in his mouth. Jensen seemed hypnotized without being able to look away from that gesture. 

Jared closed his eyes as those fingers moved to a more sensitive part of his anatomy. The blond's lips slipped through his skin trying to distract him when he noticed the first gestures of discomfort. “Do you want me to stop?” He needed to melt with Jared as much as he needed to breathe, but he would never hurt him. 

“No...” He replied with a little groan, “Just... a long time ago..., I'll need a while.” Jensen laughed, bringing his lips back to each other with a soft, tender kiss. “Whatever you need...” He whispered over the other mouth as his hand started stroking again. They took their time giving themselves to each other in languor. 

Jensen's erection became painful even under the fabric of his jeans and he could not suppress a drowned groan when Jared's enormous hand closed on it. His glances met, plea, surprise, desire... 

Jensen left the caresses to unbuckle with trembling hands his belt, continuing then with the button and the zipper of that garment that already hindered him too much, in a quick movement he got rid of it remaining in all his glory in front of Jared who was not able to turn away his gaze. 

His enormous hand enveloped the older man's firm limb, caressing him firmly but gently. Jensen closed his eyes focusing on the relief of finally getting the longed-for caress. His belly shrank as the heat and humidity of Jared's tongue became present in his sensitive skin. “Oh God... Jay... so good...” They were the only coherent words he could form as he let himself be carried away by Jared's dedicated lips that ran all over him. He entangled his hands in the rebellious hair of the younger slowing down the rhythm.

“Jay...,” he begged as he opened his eyes. His legs flinched at the fucking hot image of a sweaty Jared keeping that lusty look on him, his swollen, wet lips surrounding his limb. He noticed the tension growing in his belly, clenched his teeth, wanted to melt with Jared, wanted to notice how he trembled with desire under his body. “Stop! Please stop," he begged as he held his hair. 

Jared obeyed with a questioning look in his eyes. Jensen silenced his doubts with a passionate kiss, giving himself some time to regain control. “Jay... I need...” The green eyes begged nervously to the chestnut, reflecting the need of its owner. 

“I also Jen, I want to feel you.” A huge smile appeared on the face of the blond who looked at him tenderly and deposited a soft kiss on his lips. With great delicacy he placed himself again between the legs of the chestnut, pressed slowly, giving him time to get used to it, filling him with kisses and caresses as he did so, whispering words of encouragement and affection in his ear. 

Unexpected tears streamed down Jared's eyes when he realised that Jensen filled him completely. They were not tears of pain but of happiness, happiness when he understood how much that man loved him. He felt it now in his body, under his skin, in that deep look that screamed at him and that he had ignored for so long. And he looked at it because he wanted to treasure it, to engrave it in his memory so as never to forget it, and then he saw that Jensen was also crying. 

“Jen...?,” he asked worriedly as his thumb picked up one of those tears. 

“Shhh...” The blond whispered between his lips, kissing him intensely but gently, encircling him with his arms, clinging to him as if he were afraid of losing him while thrusting desperately in his inside. 

Jared clung to him in the same way, feeling the anguish of the other, wishing to rid him of it. “I am here Jen...” whispered in his ear, “I'm here..., I'm not going to leave....” 

A hoarse roar was muffled in Jared's neck, at the point where Jensen was now burying his face. A sound that mixed a desperate sob with the release of the orgasm that hit him hard. Jared felt it spill inside him and was amazed at the arrival of his own orgasm without even touching himself. 

Jensen was still trembling in his arms, his breath cut short by the effort and the sobs that still lingered. For a time, of which they were unaware, they held each other, rocking in a slow compass that calmed their bodies and souls, without any desire to break that intimate contact in which they felt each other as part of themselves. 

“Never go away...”   
“I will not go...”


	11. Issues to be resolved

Chapter 11: Issues to be resolved

 

“Oh come on! Pass it on, dude!”, exclaimed Jared as he almost jumped from his seat on the couch. "What are you thinking?” He continued in anger, his arm outstretched, pointing accusatorily at the player who was now focusing on the cameras that were broadcasting the game they were watching in Jensen's trailer. With the same speed that had been half incorporated was dropped again against the backrest. 

“Uhh! Be careful dude...” The grunt in his lap made him lower his gaze, finding Jensen's eyes looking at him funny, but with a small gesture of reproach. His cheeks blushed when he realized that he had forgotten that he was lying on his legs and that when he got up he almost pulled him away. “Oh, I'm sorry," he replied in awe. 

Jensen looked at him with a malicious gleam reflected in his green eyes and a huge smile, stretching his arm until his hand clung to the back of the chestnut forcing him to come down towards him. “Apologies accepted..., plus Jay, relax. Anyway you are going to lose,” he finished the sentence already against the mouth of the younger, with his tongue walking provocatively by the other lips that were opened to receive it gladly. Jared slipped his hand over the oldest's shirt down to his waist so that he could slip under it and feel the smooth, warm skin of his belly. 

Jensen groaned at the contact and moved so that Jared could be placed next to him in a more comfortable position for both of them. The match had gone into the background and they no longer had ears for anything other than each other's groans. For that and for the insistent tone of telephone that had begun to sound at full volume. 

“But what... Who the hell is calling at this hour?,” Jensen protested. Jared closed his eyes with a face of annoyance as he rested his forehead on the shoulder of the older man exhaling a long sigh. “It's yours," he said as he turned against all his wishes for Jensen to get up for the damn thing. The blonde stood up and picked it up from the bar in the kitchen where it was being loaded. As he returned with him to the sofa, he checked the caller ID, his gesture became serious when he dropped himself on the furniture next to Jared. 

“Hello, Ackles”. Jared looked at him with a frown and a questioning expression on his face. “L-A-W-Y-E-R” Gesticulated silently with his lips so that the chestnut understood him. Unconsciously, Jared surrunded his waist, drawing it more against his chest in a protective gesture. The conversation went on for about ten minutes, in which Jared could only watch with concern Jensen's serious gesture, which he practically only listened to and affirmed with monosyllables. 

“All right. Thank you very much, I'll see you there in a couple of days.” After hanging up the phone, he remained silent for a while, assimilating all the information the lawyer had given him. Jared was beginning to get impatient, tenderly leaning his fingers on the blond's chin, turning him so that he could look at his face. 

“What is it, Jen? What did she say to you?.” An enormous smile appeared on the lips of the elder who approached him to leave a fleeting kiss on his own. 

“I'm going to get JJ back," he said happily. 

It really took three days and a heated discussion with the producers who were talking to him about the deadlines, budgets and contract clauses that he didn't give a damn about at the moment. Finally, his manager and his lawyer took care of the matter and got the five days he needed, promising to come back sooner if possible. In fact, he hoped to have solved it in three, but prevention is better than cure. Jared took him to the airport and wished him luck with a passionate kiss before getting out of the car in the parking lot, avoiding prying eyes. 

The journey had been a long one but fortunately he had had time to refresh himself and eat something at the hotel. At five o'clock he was standing in front of the doors of the luxurious offices of Counton & Doyle Lawyers, the prestigious firm whose services he had hired on Steve's recommendation. His father had been a prosecutor for over 30 years and had assured him that they were the best. 

He entered the luxurious and elegant reception. The atmosphere was warm, yet sober, elegant mahoganies that stood out against the white leather of the sofas available to customers. Some avant-garde paintings on the walls gave it a touch of modernity. With a determined step, he approached the petite woman in an elegant jacket suit that gave him a wide smile from behind a computer screen. 

“Good afternoon... Jensen Ackles, had an appointment at five with Mr. Doyle.” 

The woman nodded without losing her smile as she typed efficiently into the computer. After the corresponding check, she took the handset from the telephone and pressed the extension. A few seconds later he announced. “Mr. Ackles is here.” After hanging up he went back to him. “They'll be right with you. If you would be so kind as to wait seated," he said, pointing to the luxurious sofas. 

A little while later a tall, dark man in an impeccable brown-grey suit was advancing towards him with an outstretched hand and an affable, confident gesture. 

“Mr. Ackles..., Thomas Doyle, enchanted. Please come in.” After a brief but energetic squeeze he pointed the way to his office. 

The lawyer made his way into the office where another man sat waiting and when he saw them appear, he got up with a small smile. He was not as tall as the lawyer, but considerably stronger. Dressed more casual, he wore signature jeans, a white sports shirt and an open blue jacket. His eyes followed him intensely and gave off an intense glow of intelligence. 

“Mr. Ackles, this is Justin Crow, the detective who took over the investigation.” The detective made a gesture of assent by way of greeting that he replied in the same manner. The lawyer surrounded the table and sat down in his large, elegant leather armchair, inviting the other two men to do the same. With an efficient gesture, he reached out to the two men with folders on the cover that bore the label "Ackles Case: Danneel Harris Investigation". Jensen looked at the folder hopefully, but also with some apprehension. He didn't want to have reached that point. He looked questioningly at the lawyer who, with a gesture, invited him to open it. 

“Well, Mr. Ackles, as I told you on the phone the other day, we have good news. Mr. Crow's investigation has borne fruit, and certainly all in favor of his cause.” He doubted if he had to answer anything, but the lawyer continued to leave him free of that doubt. “I asked him to come and tell you the results, to explain the options we have from now on, and to tell me which way he wants to go.” 

Jensen nodded seriously and waited for them to continue. “Justin, please, the investigation is up to you," said the lawyer. The man sitting next to him cleared his throat for a moment and rose to his seat, glancing distractedly at notes written neatly in a notebook on the lawyer's desk.

“Well, sir. I followed your wife closely for a little over a month. As you can see in the first annex of the report.” Jensen looked at his folder where there were different photos of his wife in as many places, always accompanied by the same man. “Your wife has a relationship with that man in the photographs. According to my research, they have been together for a little more than seven months.” 

Jensen looked at him in surprise, although Danneel had insinuated that she was with someone on the day they argued and she asked him for a divorce, he would not have thought that she had been deceiving him for so long. 

“The individual calls himself Xavier Casteller and boasts of being a wealthy Spanish fashion entrepreneur.” The detective kept talking and Jensen was forced to give up his ramblings and pay attention. “My team and I have discovered that he's a fake identity and that he's actually a con man. Please go to annex number two.” 

In annex number two, more such photographs, as well as police records and arrest reports. 

“His real name is Clyton Word, from Oregon. Problematic boy, he began to parade for corrections to the fourteen, small thefts, fights, traffic on a small scale. At the age of eighteen, for legal reasons, his background is erased, but at the age of twenty he already had a sentence of a year and a half for fraud. As time went by, he specialized. Now he is seducing rich women and convincing them to invest in his fake businesses. In reality, everything is spent on casinos and whores. And as we have been told, he now owes a great deal of money, which we believe is why his wife is so demanding.” 

“You're telling me that my wife is pressuring me with custody of the girl to give her more money and that she's going to give it to this guy?.” Jensen looked at them in horror, he couldn't believe it. How could Danneel have fallen for that? 

“Well, obviously his wife doesn't know that. He cheats on them, makes them fall in love and convinces them of how fruitful their relationship will be. He usually settles for what they get out of divorces, which is normal. But now he must be really fucked up if he didn't think the amount you were going to pay was enough.”

Jensen still didn't believe what the investigator told him. In his chest began to form a tremendous anger when he realized that he was about to lose his daughter, well now he hoped not, but had believed it, had been anguished all this time, had not been able to see her. The image of her daughter crying at the school door came back to her mind. "I'm going to kill him," he thought full of rage. He took a deep breath trying to calm down. 

“So, what are we going to do?” He asked the lawyer directly. 

The man looked at him with a calm gesture and a broad smile on his face. 

“Obviously, we have already notified the police of the results of this investigation. This Word has been in his sights for quite some time, but he is a skillful fellow and until now he had slipped out of their hands. His wife is his fifth victim in the last seven years. Now, Mr Ackles, we have two options, with the tangible evidence from this report no one is going to deny you your right to custody of your daughter. Now, you want it to remain shared or you want it to be unique. I can assure you that if you choose the second option, we will win it anyway, your wife has lost all credibility. It's up to you.” 

Jensen's first feeling was one of happiness and relief. He wasn't going to lose his daughter, he wasn't going to. He felt how the tremor and tension that had hitherto gripped his body diminished little by little, leaving only an enormous sensation of tiredness. He thought of the options they offered him. The anger and rage he had felt as they explained the situation led him to choose to punish Danneel, to make her feel as bad as he had. In addition, he was now apprehensive that she would take care of the child. 

The men waited patiently for his response as he continued to weigh his decision. Finally he chose not to be carried away by his resentment towards Danneel and choose what he thought was best for her daughter, she deserved to be able to enjoy her parents in the same way. “I want joint custody. I will not deprive my daughter of her mother. But I want her to live with me, I will be her legal guardian," he finally said with a firm gesture. 

“Very well Mr. Ackles,” the lawyer got up with his everlasting smile and offered him his hand again as a farewell. “I will arrange a meeting with his wife and his lawyer. I know you are a busy man. I will try to get everything ready for tomorrow. My secretary will contact you.”

Jensen got up shaking the lawyer's hand as he did with Crow. “Thank you for everything,” with a satisfied gesture he left the office to go back to his hotel. 

In the evening he called Jared to tell him everything. Doyle's secretary had called him before dinner, confirming the meeting for twelve o'clock the next morning. They were really efficient, it was worth the money he was paying them.

“Hey, how's it going?.” Jared's cheerful greeting as he picked up put a smile on his lips. 

“Well, everything is going very well..." he said almost in a whisper. 

“What's going on, Jen?” 

He could feel the worried tone of the chestnut, an immense heat spread across his chest and then he broke. All the tension, the nerves, the worry, everything. Not knowing why Jensen started crying uncontrollably against the phone.

“Hey, hey, hey... why are you crying? You're scaring me, Jen. What did they tell you? Are there any more problems with custody?” 

“No, no...,” hypie the blonde while sipping his snot and wiping his face with his sleeve. 

“So?” Jared was really alarmed. 

“I have it..., I have custody of JJ. Well, the judge's dictation is missing, but my lawyer said it's safe. I'm going to have my little girl Jay," he said again on the verge of tears. 

“Then why are you crying?,” he asked in surprise. 

“Because I'm happy," laughed the other between sobs, feeling a little stupid. A huge laughter was heard on the other side. 

“And I'm happy for you, Jen," said the chestnut a little excited. “We'll celebrate.” 

“We'll celebrate," replied the blonde, feeling completely comforted. 

The meeting was at twelve o'clock, but his lawyer had recommended that he arrive a little earlier so that he could discuss the final details before confronting Danneel and his lawyer, so at eleven fifteen he was already in front of the office. Thomas Doyle received him as he had the day before in an affable manner, after a brief exchange of greetings he accompanied him to the room they had set up for the meeting. 

“Well, Mr. Ackles, as I told you yesterday, we have prepared all the documentation to file for custody in your name. I have taken the liberty of notifying the judge of the changes, I suppose you have already informed your wife's lawyer, the judge is also of the opinion that a private agreement would be much better, in any case if your wife does not agree, he will take charge of the trial.” 

“Oh, well thank you," answered Jensen. Actually, he wasn't quite sure what else he was expected to say either. While he was talking to Doyle, his secretary entered the courtroom discreetly announcing the arrival of Danneel and his lawyer. 

“Thank you, Miss Smith.” The lawyer offered a warm smile to his secretary who retired as discreetly as she had arrived. “Wait for me here, Mr. Ackles, make yourself comfortable while I go looking for them.”

Jensen sat in one of the huge armchairs that flanked the huge oval table that presided over the center of the meeting room. A few minutes later the lawyer appeared again followed by Danneel, his lawyer and Justin Crow who nodded as soon as his glances made contact. The lawyer presided over the table and he was in the middle of Doyle and Justin who sat on his right. In front of them the opposing side of that matter. 

Their eyes were fixed on Danneel. The woman had entered avoiding his gaze, his greeting had been limited to a general "good morning" and had sat next to his lawyer with a defiant gaze against Doyle and Crow. Danneel, as always, was dressed soberly and elegantly in a set of black skirts and jackets and a steamy white blouse. He sadly noticed that she was wearing the silver earrings he had given her on her first anniversary and also the engagement ring. 

“We have summoned you here today to try to reach a new agreement on the custody of Justice Jay Ackles.” Jensen's thoughts were interrupted by the voice of his lawyer. 

“We are not interested in any new agreement," said Danneel's lawyer. 

“Mr. Raise, I don't know if you have already spoken to Judge Richmon.” Danneel's lawyer could not avoid a gesture of surprise at hearing Doyle, the doubt suddenly appeared on his face causing a satisfied smile on Jensen's lawyer. 

“What do you mean?” Raise asked. 

The lawyer was to continue when he was interrupted by Jensen who was still staring at Danneel. 

“Could I talk to my wife alone?,” he asked in a deep, confident voice. Danneel finally looked at him, with a surprised gesture, although she seemed to recover in an instant. Her lawyer turned to her, indicating that she was not obliged to do so. The woman looked at him doubtfully again. 

“Please," he asked again, looking directly into her eyes. Finally she agreed. 

“Well! Gentlemen, if you'll join me…” Doyle's melodious voice was heard again as he rose to indicate to the rest the exit, before retiring he also gave a look of support and warning to his client who nodded in a reassuring way. 

After everyone had left the room, everything was silent. The two looked at each other, evaluating each other after all the past tense. Jensen reclined on the back of his seat with a long sigh. 

“Why did you do this to me?, he asked tired, “What happened Dan, did I do something to you? Did I bother you at all so that you wanted to punish me like this?.” Without realizing it, his tone of voice went up, even though he was trying to control himself. 

The woman looked at him defiantly. “What have you done? Say better what you haven't done Jensen. I was tired of being alone at home, I'm not a housewife, I'm an actress. I want to work, I want to go out and I want someone to be with me. What are you surprised about?.” Danneel spat out the words full of resentment. Jensen didn't give credit. 

“I didn't ask you to give up your career. It was your decision. Don't blame me for that.” 

“You didn't ask me? Of course... you would never ask me that, but it was what you wanted, wasn't it? A perfect wife, a perfect daughter, everything in your perfect house.”

“What are you talking about?,” Jensen looked at her incredulously. 

“Have you ever loved me, Jensen?,” Danneel asked bitterly. Jensen was speechless for a moment.

“Of course I loved you," he replied offended. 

It was true, although nothing could surpass the love he felt for Jared, he had loved Dan, not in the same way, but he had loved her and that feeling had grown much more when JJ was born. 

Danneel snorted incredulously. “Anyway Jensen, we are not going to discuss that now. I found someone who is interested in me. Sign the papers and let's go our separate ways.”

Jensen was hurt, so he couldn't suppress an ironic laugh. 

“You mean the guy you've been cheating on me with for seven months?.” Danneel looked at him in surprise, but he recovered easily. 

“Xavier loves me. We have plans for the future.” 

“Oh, so he loves you, doesn't he? Future plans...” Jensen laughed with contempt. “You don't even know him. He's a swindler Dan, he was going to go with all your money, or rather, with my money. He was going to leave you.” 

He didn't know why he was behaving like that, but it was too much accumulated rage, surely tomorrow he would regret it, but not now. 

“I don't believe you! Xavier is an important businessman," she babbled nervously.

“His name isn't even Xavier!,” he shouted in anger. The woman stepped back in her seat, surprised by the tone she had never heard from her husband. “You tried to take my daughter away from me! And why? Because a guy who tells you he loves you asks you for money to invest in his business and you listen to him, and you threaten me with the girl, what were you thinking?.” Jensen stopped when he saw the tears appearing in his wife's eyes. He snorted forcefully trying to calm down and sat down again, he didn't even remember getting up. “I'm sorry...,” he muttered. 

Danneel was almost in shock. On his face was a mixture of disbelief and nerves. She looked at him in fright, not knowing what to say, analyzing everything she had just been told. 

“That's not true...” she couldn't believe it, it couldn't be true. 

“They must be arresting him right now," replied Jensen with a tired gesture. 

Danneel uttered a drowned groan. Jensen started to feel bad, he wanted to get it over with and leave. 

“Listen to me, Dan," he continued. "My lawyer is going to come in now, your accusation against me won't stand up now and with the facts of your lesser lover's investigation. He has assured me that I will get custody of JJ without any problem.”

Danneel felt a chill running down her back, saw the security in Jensen's eyes and immediately felt sorry for what she had done. She let Jensen go on, she didn't dare ask. 

“I swear to God that I was about to do it, to ask for sole custody, but I think JJ doesn't deserve that and if I have to look for someone it has to be for her. I will accept joint custody as long as the child lives with me. Think about it Dan, because after all this, I won't mind going all the way.” 

Danneel felt her husband's harsh gaze on her, she saw the determination in them accompanying his words. A thousand ideas passed through her head, she rubbed her hands nervously on her lap. Jensen watched her, he could almost see the gears of her head working at forced speeds. He finally got up to go to the door, before opening it he went to it. “Talk with your lawyer.” She looked at him gratefully. 

Jensen opened the door and everyone waiting outside came into the room. Danneel's lawyer addressed her directly. During the time they had been away, the other lawyer had informed him of the situation. After some quiet conversation with his client, the lawyer went to the rest of the table. 

“All right, my client accepts the agreement. Mr. Ackles will be Justice Jay's guardian and the child will live with him in joint custody.” 

Doyle stood satisfied in his chair. Another happy client. “Perfect," he exclaimed, "Mr. Raise, now you and I will agree on the terms of the agreement and we will draft it so that we can present it to our clients as soon as possible.” Raise nodded. 

“Mr. Ackles, I will get in touch with you as soon as possible, and I will arrange everything so that your daughter can be delivered to you as soon as possible, I think it will not take more than a week.” 

Jensen took the information for what it was, a farewell, he had nothing more to do there. With a grateful gesture he got up from the table and after shaking his lawyer's hand left the room. Danneel also said goodbye to his lawyer and left behind him. She followed him in silence as they passed through the halls of the luxurious firm until they came out into the street. Finally she dared to call him before he could stop a taxi. 

“Jen!” she shouted almost without strength. Even so, the blonde listened to her and turned to see her. “I'm sorry...,” she muttered. 

“I'm sorry too, Dan," he replied with a sad gesture. Seeing that she said nothing else, he turned back to the road to stop a taxi and go to the hotel. 

Jensen landed in Vancouver on Saturday morning. He hadn't warned anyone, He was thinking of giving Jared a surprise, they could celebrate the good news with a day and a half free available. In the taxi he was enthusiastic about all sorts of plans, plans he didn't suspect were going to be ruined, not until he reached the set and from afar saw Jared with the only person he never expected to see lovingly round his waist.


	12. Face to face with reality

Chapter 12: Face to Face with Reality

 

The bewilderment made its way into his mind when, as he drew closer, he realized that he had not made a mistake. What was she doing there? Why hadn't Jared said anything to him? He felt his heart beating, beating hard in the temples. Wasn't it possible to give him a break? Just a little. 

 

He didn't want to face that, at least not now, thousands of ideas passed through his head, absurd ideas, he said to himself. He didn't intend to present himself in a paranoid way, but fuck, she's got him by the waist and he can't stop watching how she lies down on him, all smiles and happiness. And Jensen feels like a blazing fire flooding his chest and how anger joins that heat and he can't help identifying all that as jealous, a horrible, painful jealous sting running through his body like an electric current. 

 

His pride asks him to go, introduce himself, show his face and see what Jared has to say to him about it. His head tells him that it's not a good idea, that he has to wait, to know, to hear from Jared's mouth with peace of mind what it all means. Jensen has always been a rational person, so after a few moments of doubt, he decides to listen to his head, go to his trailer, take a shower and watch TV for a while or maybe destroy it with a baseball bat. Yes, it's definitely the best option. 

 

But since Jensen's karma has been shit lately, his retirement plan is totally frustrated by Misha's "providential" appearance calling out to him with open arms as if he had seen fucking George Clooney in person. 

“Jensen! Jensen, dude! You're here, how did it go?.” Jensen gave him back the hug in which he had been wrapped before he even realized it and noted with annoyance how the couple he had been avoiding were now watching him from a distance. 

“All right, all right. Thank you for asking," he replied with a half-smile, watching sidelong as the others approached. He could not help but notice that it was rather Genevieve who was approaching and that Jared seemed to let himself be dragged along, which surprised him. 

“I'm glad, Dude, we were all worried," Misha continued with an enormous smile on his lips and his intense blue eyes. “Well, look who's coming this way... Ok, I'll leave you, they're waiting for me...,” said the vile traitor, leaving him alone with the couple who had already stood beside him. The possibility of escaping had evaporated completely. 

“Jensen, so long since I’ve seeing you.” The girl approached him to greet him by giving him two kisses on the cheeks which he answered without excessive interest, since he had everything in place to take advantage of that moment to cross his eyes with Jared's as a question. The beautiful grey eyes of the chestnut seemed full of sadness and perhaps a little fear, his whole face at that moment begging for forgiveness. 

After the greeting, Genevieve returned to her initial position surrounding Jared's waist in a possessive manner. Jensen could see the chestnut tense at the affectionate gesture of his wife and how he hid with a nervous smile as he hit his arm with his hand as a greeting. 

“You're back early, dude," he said in a more nervous tone than he would have wanted to look. 

“Jay already told me that you were with the custody thing. I'm glad you could work it out, but I feel sorry for you, for Dan and for you I mean. You were a very good couple.” Jensen didn't know very well how to interpret the comment so he opted for the most neutral answer. 

“Uhmm, thank you Gen. Things are never the way you want them to be.” He didn't want his eyes to turn to Jared but they did. “But now I'm just worried about JJ.”

“Of course, now you have to focus on her.” That woman was never going to shut up. “Children need their parents. Right, honey?,” she asked, squeezing his arm around Jared's waist, and looking at him with a huge, in Jensen's opinion, stupid smile. Jared nodded apparently unable to reply any more. 

“The children had no school yesterday, so I took the opportunity to surprise Jay. You should have seen his face when he saw us coming.” No, it was clear that she wasn't going to stop. So a surprise, well, selfishly that made Jensen feel a little better. 

“I can imagine it,” he replied. “I can’t wait t osee them, they have to be huge by now,” he smiled sincerely, they were Jared's children and he had always treated them like his nephews, just like Jared did with JJ. 

“They're going for a walk with the nanny now, but why don't you come to dinner with us tonight?.” The question sounded innocent but the look she gave him as she asked wasn't at all. Anyway, who in their right mind would want to go to that dinner?

“Thank you very much, but I'm tired of the trip. Besides, I don't want to disturb you.” The plea in Jared's gaze became more present to him. “Tomorrow I will see the children. You'll still be around, won't you?.” Now he was the one who directed a somewhat challenging look at Genevieve. 

“Of course, we won't leave until after lunch.” The smile seemed frozen on her face. 

“Perfect. Have a good time, a kiss to the children from me. See you tomorrow” 

Without further ado, he continued on his way to the caravan. A small smile was allowed to appear on his face, to his understanding something childish, he had fought a battle and had allowed himself a small victory with the last sentence, it had hurt her. But as he walked he lost his smile because in spite of everything, she was still his wife, the one who was now surrounding his waist in public and probably the one who would have him between her legs tonight. The image of that cursed night in which he found them together came back to his mind and now, he could only accelerate his way to the trailer before losing the battle with the tears that were already piling in his eyes. 

Jared was having the worst day of his life, no doubt. He just wanted to get into bed and sleep until Monday so he wouldn't have to face Gen anymore, or better, a month and so he wouldn't have to face Jensen, or better yet, which would really be good, not to wake up definitively. 

With a tired gesture he sat down on the bed to start barefoot, his mind wandered for a while. He had made plans for that weekend, he wasn't really sure Jensen was coming, but he secretly hoped he would. Magnificent plans. A small smile appeared on his lips and then it was erased. 

The surprise appearance of Gen and the children filled him with mixed feelings. The happiness and excitement of welcoming the children with their joy, their screams, throwing themselves around his neck and asking for his attention made him feel incredibly good. He missed them so much. As for Gen, he didn't know, he knew clearly who he loved, of course that was Jensen, but to have her in front, as always, attentive, affectionate. He felt terribly guilty. 

He quietly attended their meeting with Jensen, a mere spectator of the battle that unfolded before his eyes, unable to do or say anything. Feeling Jensen's surprise, pain and anger stinging him with more guilt, how much more was he going to be able to take on? Then came dinner where Gen, without leaving his loving wife attitude, never failed to remind him what the children missed him, what they asked about him and the lack that made them. More and more guilt. 

He closed his eyes and rubbed his face wearily. He noticed hands running through his hair and a presence in front of him. Jensen's image crossed his mind, but when he opened his eyes there was only her small body. It wasn't the longed-for, strong, long-fingered hands that caressed his hair, but small, fragile ones whose fingernails scratched his scalp. He sighed defeated. 

“I'm tired, sweetheart. I just want to sleep," he whispered, praying that she would accept it. 

“Come on, honey, I can make you relax," she smiled seductively as she straddled her legs, pulling his hair back so she could kiss him. 

Jared gently grabbed her wrists and lowered her hands until they were between them as he withdrew from the kiss. “Really. I won't be able to. Not here, I'll be home in three weeks.” Genevieve looked at him incredulously. Jared was trying to avoid his gaze, he was overwhelmed, he had to do something to convince her, so he rounded her waist and gave her small, soft kisses of apology. 

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry...” he asked, "I'll make it up to you at home. I swear.” She gave him back those kisses and he thought she would accept the apology, but nothing was further from that and he could tell when he felt her hand caressing his crotch. “Gen...” He asked against her lips that they would not stop kissing him. 

“Do you see as you can? You only need me," she said proudly. 

Jared cursed himself because even though he didn't want to, his body reacted completely independently much to his regret. Genevieve increased interest in her task of seducing him by increasing the rhythm of her caresses and the intensity of her kisses. Jared closed his eyes tightly fighting against himself. Finally he held her and with a quick movement removed her from him. 

“I'm sorry! I told you I can't.” He walked desperately in the few feet of that room under her gaze, first astonished and now full of his wife's anger. 

“What's all this about, Jay? What's going on?,” she asked, confused and hurt. 

“I told you, it's okay, I'm just tired. I need to sleep," he replied angrily. Don't they say there's no better defense than a good attack? 

With quick movements he got rid of his clothes, put on his pajama trousers and went to bed, covered up to his ears and with his back to his wife who was looking at him between astonished and distrustful. Moments later he felt her getting into the bed and turning off the light, keeping as much distance as possible between them. Unintentionally, he sighed in relief. 

******

Jensen hadn't had a very good night. If he fell asleep, he dreamed of that night and if he stayed awake, he imagined that this one would be happening. In short, he had dawned pale and with huge dark circles as he could see in the bathroom mirror when he went to wash up. He thanked internally that it was Sunday and he didn't have to work. He began to feel better in the second café, which he tasted with real pleasure as he looked through a digital newspaper on his computer. 

The door slammed open and all the tranquillity went to hell succumbing to the cheerful cries of a few childish voices. “Uncle Jensen! Uncle Jensen!” He couldn't help but smile when the little ones threw themselves into his arms. 

“Tom! Seph! How are you champions? You've grown so much!!”. The children laughed with delight when he took them both in his arms and spun with them quickly. After three turns the children held on to his neck with emotion, and his eyes crossed with those of Jared who looked at them happily. 

For a while they kept looking, in Jared's eyes continued a mute apology, the smile became somewhat sad. Jensen looked at the children in his arms and looked at him and then smiled, a huge smile that illuminated Jared's heart and made his face happy again. “Are we lions and are we going to hunt Dad?,” he suddenly asked the children. 

“Yes!!!!” they shouted in unison with enthusiasm. 

“Run, Jared!,” Jensen shouted, “We're coming for you!” 

Jared laughed out loud as he ran out of the trailer chased by the other three. Once outside, Jensen put the children on the ground and between the three they chased and surrounded Jared who was finally caught by Thomas who jumped victoriously over his father pulled by the other two. After a while of games and laughter, Jared called them and arranged their clothes, sent them to say goodbye to Jensen. 

“I'm going to take them to the airport,” again, the tone had become a bit gloomy. “Gen wants to be there early. I'll be back after lunch, okay?,” he asked insecurely. 

“Of course, see you later.” He bid the children a loving farewell and silently returned to the caravan. As he closed the door he was again assaulted by doubts, those that always appeared when he was not near Jared. The chestnut saw him go away worried, he was going to have to give a lot of explanations when he came back, he just hoped he hadn't screwed up too much. 

At five o'clock a few knocks on the door caught Jensen's attention. Seconds later it opened slowly and Jared's head shyly appeared. 

“Jen..." he asked hesitantly, "May I come in?”


	13. Jealousy

Chapter 13: Jealousy

 

“Come in”

The invitation came muted, causing some distress in Jared. He entered and closed the door carefully behind him. Jensen was lying on the couch in front of the flat screen of the TV that was on, but without sound. Jared noticed the tired expression on his face, surely he had slept as little as he had. 

“Hey...,” he tried to force a shy smile. 

“Hey...” He rubbed his face with a tired gesture and then leaned forward, leaning his elbows on his knees and intertwining his hands. Jared swallowed dry as he turned his face towards him looking at him in question. 

Jared rubbed his hands nervously, his first impulse was to approach him and embrace him, he desperately needed to feel him by his side, to feel that everything was going on as before, but the hardness in Jensen's eyes told him it was not a good idea. He walked hesitantly until he was in front of him. 

“Jensen, I.... Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't know she was coming... and you came before... and I....” Jensen got up all of a sudden looking at him in anger. Jared was surprised. The anger and disappointment he saw in his eyes scared him. “Nothing happened. Jen..., we didn't do anything.”

“Didn't you do anything, Jared? Your little wife comes here after more than a month without seeing you, strutting with you in front of everyone, and you're telling me you didn't do anything?.” Jensen didn't notice, but he was screaming. All the tension since he saw her there the day before was now overflowing even though he had sworn to himself not to. “Why should I believe you, Jared?,” he continued in a sore tone. 

“Because it's the truth, Jen, I swear.” Jared seemed distressed, Jensen could see it, but so was he. He had asked him to love him again and he had done it. Fuck! He had. And now he didn't know what he had to face again. 

“All right, you didn't do anything. But what if I hadn't come this weekend?” 

“What?.” Jared didn't know what to say, he looked at his partner in surprise. “What do you mean? Jen please... I don't understand you.”

“You don't understand me...” Jensen laughed ironically. “The question is clear Jared. In fact, this brings me many more questions than... of course, as I always refuse to ask myself.” 

“Jen, you're scaring me.” Jared tried to get close, but the blond pushed him away with violence. 

“What would have happened if I hadn't come?.” He repeated slowly as if that were the reason why the other one didn't understand the question. “Would you also have told her no, or did you just do it because you felt guilty?”

“Jensen, I told you. I love you.” Jared didn't know how to make him understand. 

“You don't answer my question, Jared! What will happen when the shooting is over? What will happen when we're not here, when we don't see each other every day? What will happen when you're at home with her, Jared, you'll always say no? What do you think will happen to me, huh? God, look at my face Jared..., I couldn't stand a damn night. How do you want...” His voice broke and he could only turn quickly to prevent the other from seeing tears running down his cheeks. 

Jared's soul was torn as he felt the pain of his companion, guilt struck him again with force. He only wanted to comfort him, but he was aware that at those moments he might have had very little to offer him. 

“Jen, please... I... you know I'm going to need time.”

“You're going to need time, of course.” Jensen chuckled as he threw his head back trying to control his emotions. 

“Jen, I'm going to leave her. We're going to be together. I swear.”

“How long?” 

He didn't mind looking selfish, what the hell, he didn't have another six years to lose. Jared stroked his hair with a desperate gesture. 

“Fuck Jen! I don't know!”

The oldest became angry at the tone of the other's response, leaning on the furniture on his back, he held tightly to the edge of it, repressing the enormous impulse to strike him that he felt right now as he looked at him in anger. 

Jared gestured with his hands, frustrated and unsure how to continue.

“I'll tell her when I get home..., I can't do it from here, she doesn't deserve it.”

Jensen snorted offensively and Jared closed his eyes knowing that he had screwed up again. 

“It can't be more than a couple of months," he continued. “We'll meet when we can. Jensen, please...”

He kept on talking without taking his eyes off the jade green of his companion's eyes, walking slowly until he was in front of him. He shyly led his hands to the blond's forearms, caressing them tenderly. 

“I'm not going to do anything with her...” Jensen looked away, but did nothing to get rid of the touch of his hands. “Jen, look at me.” The blond man looked up and found those huge, almond grey eyes looking at him lovingly. A small smile appeared on the chestnut's face. “I'm not going to do anything with her," he said slowly, "Never again. Do you know why?,” he asked seriously. Jensen shook his head. “Because for me there's only you. No one else. No one can make me feel the way you do.”

 

Jared kept his eyes on Jensen until he was sure the other had understood his message, then leaned over him until his lips touched. Jensen sighed inside the kiss, felt all the tension loosen thinking that all his limbs had become jelly and that he couldn't hold on without Jared, so he took his hands to the chestnut's face, holding it between them and luring it towards a deeper and more violent kiss. 

Jared groaned in surprise when he felt his back banging against the wall, he had not even been aware of Jensen's rapid movement, which was now pressing against him, pressing him against the white surface. The blond's mouth demanded anxious and he could only strive to follow it. 

“Jensen...,” he begged in a plea to breathe, to be able to recover for a moment. Only a hoarse grunt came out of the throat of the other, one that directly affected his crotch. 

The blond's lips devoured him with violence, licking, biting and sucking in such a way that Jared believed he could absorb his soul in that way. He entangled his fingers in the short hair of his lover pulling on him to slow him down enough to find a more comfortable rhythm which, thank God, the other seemed to accept. Jared's free hand slipped under the blond's shirt, caressing his smooth belly, moist with sweat, so tempting that it made him tremble. 

Jensen held his wrists and made him take his hands away from him, holding them against the wall.

“Jen...?,” he asked agitated. 

“No!" It was all the answer of the other one breathing agitated on his neck, biting and sucking as he desperately rubbed his erection against Jared's thigh. He tried to let go, but, although he was taller, Jensen was considerably stronger, he squeezed his wrists tighter while nailing his eyes darkened by desire into it. “I said no...” He said in a hoarse, heavy tone that made him tremble. The deep green eyes did not move away from him until he felt how he stood still under his body. 

A rogue smile formed on Jensen's lips. Jared looked at him anxiously, with rosy cheeks and lips swollen and wet from the violence of kissing. Jensen used one of his hands to hold both wrists and the other to caress his face. Slowly he deliberately pulled away the strands of hair that were falling from his forehead. He slid his long fingers in a caress from his temple, down his cheek and outlining the strong jaw. He walked his thumb over his lips, pressing and squeezing them, fascinated by the red color highlighted by the glow of the saliva. 

He pushed it into Jared's mouth and he sucked it obscenely without taking the look out of his eyes. A grunt of pleasure escaped from his throat and hit the thigh of the tallest again. 

“Leave them there," he said when he released Jared's wrists, the other nodded agitated. In a quick movement, he pulled the chestnut T-shirt out of his head, but leaving his arms still held by it. His hands clung to the sides of the chestnut, gliding greedily through them. 

He traced a way of bites and kisses starting with his shoulder, following his collarbone until he reached the depression that formed between his neck and both collarbones where he entertained himself with his tongue, penetrating and walking through that hole where the sweat of a very excited Jared accumulated. Jensen took a strong breath in, filling himself with that smell, a mixture of soap, cologne and that clean sweat that was the very essence of the man he loved. 

Jared twisted under his caresses. “Please, let me touch you...,” he begged. 

“No.” It was the only answer. 

Jensen's tongue went on its way to find one of his erect nipples, licked it with dedication before biting it and pulling on it causing a drowned moan from its owner. Jensen took it upon himself to calm him again with the unconditional attention of his tongue before passing on to its twin. 

Jared was excited to the point of pain, a relieved sigh escaped from his lips when Jensen's hands unbuttoned his trousers and lowered it accompanied by his boxers. He closed his eyes when he felt the strong and calloused hand close on his dick, jerking him with violence, demanding, hard. He groaned between excitement and pain, but was silenced by Jensen's lips, which seized his own again. He felt his tongue going into his mouth, pushing his own, subjecting him even to that fucking kiss. 

Jared was surprised again when Jensen turned his chest against the wall. “Fuck!,” he protested and tried again to separate. Jensen wouldn't allow it, gluing his chest to his back he rubbed his erection even under his clothes against Jared's bare buttocks. 

“I'm going to fuck you Jared," he said in a hoarse voice under his ear. “I'm going to fuck you because you're mine!” 

Jared groaned, both because of the pain of Jensen's teeth closing over his neck, and because of the surprise of feeling his fingers opening up inside him. Jared unconsciously spread his legs further apart and raised his butt to facilitate the work of the blond who smiled satisfied.

“Jen, please...” The blond's tongue ran down his back as his free hand slid across Jared's belly and chest. 

“Please what?.” The blond's dark voice echoed in his ears. He closed his eyes tightly, concentrating on every touch, every thrust of those fingers that were driving him mad. 

“Please, fuck me... Please Jen, fuck me. I need...,” he gasped, “I need to feel you!” 

Jared groaned in dismay as he felt Jensen's hands move away from him. He could hear the sound of Jensen's belt and zip opening and it still seemed like a long time before he could feel the hard, smooth skin of his lover's cock pressing against his entrance. As Jared supposed, Jensen was not careful this time, his actions were dominated by urgency and necessity. 

His entry was violent and possessive, intense, deep. It hurt Jared so much that he had to clench his teeth so as not to scream, but it felt good. It felt good because it was Jensen, it was Jensen showing him everything he felt for him. It was Jensen with his love, his desire, his need and his fears reflected in the only way he could now. 

The blond was raging, the room was filled with the sound of their bodies crashing and the gasps escaping from their mouths. Jensen kissed his neck and back and repeated his name in an endless litany. His hands clutched tightly to his hips and he could feel his fingers painfully sticking into it. Both were sweating profusely from the effort, Jensen added that he was still fully clothed. 

 

“Touch me, please...,” Jared pleaded again, felt his pulsating cock and the need for the orgasm forming in his belly. Jensen seemed to take a moment to process his lover's request, but finally he did. He surrounded the needy Jared member firmly and adapted his caresses to the rhythm of his thrusts.

“Oh fuck, fuck...” Jared was grateful to be held against the wall because he could not see how else he could have held himself when the orgasm reached him spilling over his chest and Jensen's hand. The blond needed a few more envelopes before he could do it inside him. A hoarse roar came out of his chest and was felt through Jared's back. 

The eldest's body fell defeated on him. With his face hidden in the hollow of his shoulder, he could feel the agitated breath on the skin of his neck. Jared turned his head as if looking for his gaze, his eyes were cloudy and yet unfocused, yet beautiful. 

“I'm sorry," he said again, wishing he'd believe him this time. Jensen put his foreheads together.

“I know," he said in a choppy voice. “I'm sorry too.” 

Jensen rounded his waist, pressing it more against his chest as he kissed him now slowly and pausely, giving themself the calm they both needed.


	14. End of shooting

Chapter 14: End of Shooting

Everything had returned to normal between them after Genevieve's unexpected visit, of which both seemed to have quietly agreed not to speak again. The shooting was on schedule and would probably have been over in about ten days according to Krippe's proud announcement. 

After the news that they both tried hard to smile, a thick blanket of melancholy spread between them. The hours passed and the time together ran out, they knew it, even if they didn't want to talk about it. They unconsciously sought contact in an attempt to comfort each other. They used up every second in tender caresses, long kisses and warm embraces, but even so, the silence between them was greater and more tense. 

Jared awoke suddenly with a thousand ideas hovering over his head. Lately it was always the same, he slept three or four hours and finally cavilations ended up waking him and leaving him sleepless for the rest of the night. He sighed tired looking at the mobile screen with his eyes narrowed to realize that it was only twenty to four in the morning. 

He scratched his head in a tired gesture as he turned to the other side of the bed surprising himself that it was empty. He concentrated for a moment. Yes, yes, Jensen had come to sleep that night, just as they had been doing for the past few weeks, after everyone had picked up, one escaped to the other's trailer to spend the night together and then returned to his place with the first lights of dawn. 

Thinking about it now, he thought it was stupid, but that they had another option. However, that wasn't the important thing now, the important thing was where Jensen was. Still asleep, he rose hesitantly, leaving the room. A quick glance through the only space of the trailer that was not the room indicated to him that the blond was not there. A faint light against the wall in front of the entrance door told him it was open. 

When he finally stood before it, he saw it. Jensen was sitting on the steps of the trailer, The beautiful full moon that presided over the sky that night, caused silver reflections in his short hair and illuminated with lights and shadows his wide and muscular back that was naked. Jensen did not seem to notice his presence and remained absorbed, his forearms resting on his knees and his gaze lost in the landscape in front of the caravan. 

Jared took a moment to contemplate him, he would never tire of it, but as he looked through him, he could not help but feel an annoying oppression in his chest. Silently, he walked down the steps separating him from Jensen, sitting on his back, his legs on both sides of the blond's body and his arms around his waist. 

Jensen jumped, relaxing again when he felt Jared's warm lips on his neck. 

“It's late... What are you doing here?,” he asked as he pulled his waist, closer him to his chest. Jensen stroked his arms around him and leaned against his companion's chest, letting his head rest on his shoulder. 

“I couldn't sleep... I needed air ...,” he commented tired. “And you?” 

“I missed you by my side...,” he commented as he placed a tender kiss on each other's lips. “It's nice...” He said, looking at the landscape that his friend was contemplating until a moment ago. The blonde followed his gaze as he let himself be pampered by Jared's slow caresses on his chest. 

“Yes, it is...”

 

They remained so for a long time, each lost in his own thoughts. Finally it was Jensen who broke the silence they had imposed on themselves. 

“What are we going to do now, Jay?.” The question escaped fearfully from his lips. 

For a few seconds the silence was the only answer, the caresses ceased and a slight distress ran through Jensen's body. Jared drew a deep sigh and then his arms stretched out, holding the body between them even tighter. 

Jensen waited patiently as Jared seemed to think. 

“It's going to be all right," he heard next to his ear. Jensen closed his eyes desperately trying to believe that, but he didn't see it that easy. 

“I'm not so sure, we're separated by three states, Jay.” 

“Shhh, trust me, okay?.” He said as he kissed his hair, “Soon we will be together again and with nothing to separate us.” 

Once again there was silence between them, and again it was Jensen who broke it. 

“Are you really going to do it?,” he asked shyly. He noticed Jared's body tensing around him and felt as if he had screwed up. “I don't want to pressure you Jay, I'll trust what you tell me," he said quickly, "but if you have any doubts... I'll understand anyway, I swear. Just tell me, please, don't let me get my hopes up.” 

“How do I convince you Jensen?.” The chestnut replied in a sad tone. “You are what I want and I'm not going to give up on you again. I'm going to do it Jensen, so get all the illusions you want. I will try to fulfill them all.” 

Jensen drew a shy smile that the chestnut couldn't see behind his back. 

“I'm just scared, you know?”

“I know," he whispered as he closed his eyes tightly, trying to deny himself the same feeling, because yes, fear also beset him. Fear because this small oasis of time and tranquillity was over and soon he would have to face everything again and Jensen wouldn't be with him. Yes, Jared was afraid, too, even if he didn't want to admit it. 

Jensen got rid of his embrace and got up with some new kind of energy, took a last look at the serene landscape of that starry night and dodged Jared's body, which looked at him surprised by the unexpected movement, until it reached the top of the stairs. When he was there, he turned and offered an outstretched hand to his companion. 

“We still have a while. Come back to bed with me," he asked as a warm smile loomed over his lips. Jared held his hand and reciprocated the gesture in the same way. The glances of both crossed, expressing everything they felt. The first rays of the sun caught them still entangled in each other's arms. 

***

Finally, the dreaded day had arrived. Jensen dawned from a sudden bad mood that Jared was trying, without much success, to deal with. He knew what was happening to his partner and understood it perfectly, which also made him feel quite guilty. 

Unconsciously he was giving Jensen space, hoping that he would calm down, but after mid-morning he realised that his tension was only increasing and that the dam that was holding his friend's emotions was going to break soon, overflowing everything that was inside him. 

“Jen, what's going on?” He dared at last to ask. 

“Nothing," said the other as he furiously picked things up in the caravan. 

Jared watched him in silence, worried but at the same time annoyed.   
“Jen, we've already talked about this," he said tired, "I don't want us to say goodbye in anger.”

Jensen stopped suddenly with his back to his partner. Jared could see his whole body tensing, holding a jar of gel in his hand, and he could see his fingers clinging to him until they became white. 

“Hey, it's all right, isn't it?” Jared was tightening too, Jensen couldn't believe he was the only one affected by all this. 

“Of course, everything is fine," laughed the blond with irony. 

“Fucking Jen!.” In the end it looks like they were going to argue. Jensen shuddered at the tone of the reproach, but that didn't lessen his discomfort. 

“I know, Jay, okay? I know, I know it has to be like this, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Can you understand that? You're going! And you're going with her!” 

“Hell, I told you...”

“I know what said to me, Jared," he interrupted in a tired tone, "I know what you said to me, but that doesn't take away this anguish I feel in my chest, you know? It doesn't take it away me... And I'm sorry, maybe all I have left is to get angry today, I’m sorry you have to put up with me, but I don't get a smile when I don't know when I'm going to see you again.”

Jared didn't know what to answer to that, he felt Jensen was right and couldn't blame him. All he did was hug him as hard as he could, the blond's arms corresponded to him in the same way, they held each other without worrying about the time, trying only to soothe the fear that each one felt. 

Jensen sucked hard with his nose buried in Jared's neck, his hands clinging tightly to his wide back just as he felt Jared's on his own. Surely this would be his last moment of intimacy in a long time and something inside him told him that he should take advantage of it. 

His lips kissed the soft skin of his lover's neck. Jared sighed, closing his eyes and bowing his neck slightly to give more space to the other. Jensen's tongue is the one that now slipped through him, dampening the way that marked the thick vein where his pulse beat. 

His cheeks rubbed as he left a way of kisses through his jaw until finally reaching his lips where his tongue once again took centre stage, licking its entire surface, pressing, asking for permission, a permit that caused a moan of pleasure in the blond's throat. 

Both tongues became entangled in a slow dance but full of passion and feeling, turning one into the other, treasuring in the memory the taste of the other. Jared brought his hands to Jensen's face, holding it in front of him. Jensen looked at him stunned when he felt the kiss break. 

“I love you," whispered the chestnut staring intently at the suddenly bright jade in Jensen's eyes, a Jensen who was having trouble swallowing the knot that had just formed in his throat when he heard it. 

“I love you too," he replied, his voice choked with emotion. Jared's lips returned to theirs, resuming the kiss interrupted by such a necessary confession. 

“See you in a month," said Jensen a little nervously as he escorted Jared to the door of his trailer to say goodbye. Jared turned to look at him before leaving. 

“One month," he confidently confirmed, "Blessed presentations," he continued with a little laughter. Jensen laughed too and then they both stared for a while without saying anything, but saying everything. Jared leaned forward and put a quick kiss on Jensen's lips. 

“I miss you already. Take care, Jen," he said as he hurriedly left for his own trailer to pick up his things. 

“You too," answered the blond in a whisper as he watched him leave.


	15. It's more than I deserve

**Chapter 15: It's More Than I Deserve**

Jensen dropped heavily on the couch of his new and hoped that temporary apartment. Distractedly he glanced around the wide room with an ironic smile drawn on his lips. He hadn't seen the apartment, it was funny, her sister got it for him after he called her to announce that he had won JJ's custody. He didn't want to go back to his old house, too many memories and he didn't want to think what had happened there while he was gone, but a hotel room was no place to take care of his daughter.

His smile widened thinking of her, now she was with his parents, waiting for him to finish filming, but they would bring her in a week, time in which he hoped to have finished putting everything together. _“Where are things?,”_ he suddenly wondered. Chris and Steve, besides Mac and her boyfriend, had taken care of collecting everything from their old house and bringing it here. He made a mental note that he had to call them to thank them, maybe a dinner for everyone would be a good idea, plus he could use the company and not to mention talking to this boys. God, Chris was going to kill him.

With a tired sigh he rose up determined to recognize his new territory. Opposite the living room was a large, fully equipped kitchen, with a bar that separated it from a cozy, brightly lit office thanks to a huge window that occupied practically the entire wall. The door of a small toilet was the next thing he found before reaching the corridor that distributed the rooms.

Jensen blinked in surprise as he opened the door to the first, a beautiful children's room opened before his eyes that were almost filled with tears. _“But how...?.”_ The walls were painted a strong fuchsia colour with huge daisies of white, green and yellow colours reaching about a metre in height, white shelves full of toys and stuffed animals, a huge and functional desk and a beautiful forge bed covered by a soft Frozen duvet and an endless number of cushions. JJ was going to love it.

Behind door number two he was also surprised, but not so pleasantly, a loud groan escaped his lips when he found the "things", the room was empty, well, not exactly empty as it was occupied by hundreds, thousands, millions of what looked like perfectly stacked boxes with labels like "living room", "bedroom" or "kitchen". Jensen closed the door slowly, trying to forget what was there, thinking that his friends might have been a little more friends and put something up.

Muttering his sorrows approached the last door, which supposedly was the main bedroom. The room was large and like the rest of the house well lit, strong wooden furniture in the most typical Texas style, a huge dressing room and a full bathroom. He looked at the huge bed that presided over the center of the room and could not help but be assaulted by grief.

He returned to the kitchen and researched the refrigerator, thank God someone had taken care of providing it. Without much enthusiasm he made a couple of sandwiches and grabbed a beer before sinking back into the sofa. Once there he pulled out his cell phone by playing with it between his fingers for a while before making up his mind. He wanted to hear Jared's voice, but he didn't know what he was doing and maybe a call from him could put him on a commitment.

 _“Fuck Jensen! He's your friend, isn't he? Why can he put him on a commitment that you call him?.”_ He scolded himself, but his fingers turned on their own to the message app where he wrote a short "Hello," and set about waiting anxiously for the answer without taking an eye off the phone. After a few minutes the incoming message notification made him jump into his seat.

**_"Hello" "I just got to the new apartment. It's strange ☺"_ **

_**"Strange? ☺"** _

_**"I've never been here, Jay. It's weird. How's it going?"** _

_**"Well, a little tired. We went out with the kids to the park."** _

Jensen didn't miss the plural in that sentence, causing an uncomfortable knot to settle in his throat.

_**"Great. I'm sure they're very happy to be with their dad. Jay... I miss you..."** _

The answer took a while to arrive, or maybe it just looked like Jensen.

_**"I miss you too... Hey, I can't talk now. I'll call you later, okay?"** _

_**“Ok”** _ He didn't know what else to say and he was disappointed, he just wanted to talk for a while. A new message appeared on the screen.

_**“Don't get angry, okay? I'll really call you. Kisses”** _

_**"I'm not angry. Kisses"** _

Jensen threw the mobile aside with annoyance, glanced around the empty room and closed his eyes with a sigh feeling enormously lonely.

Jared was thoughtful with his eyes fixed on the mobile screen, he looked up until he saw the children running between the swings in front of the bench on which he was sitting. His eyes met those of Gen who looked at him with a smile pointing to Thomas trying to climb a bar, he returned the smile and when he saw that his wife was walking towards him, his attention returned to the mobile and after a moment of doubt and a growing sense of guilt, he slid his finger over the screen to erase the whole conversation with Jensen.

 

*******

 

Jensen awoke in pain and disoriented. His eyes narrowed and he glanced around him, astonished, until his mind began to remember and recognized the living room of his new home. With a moan of pain he stood up rubbing his neck trying to relieve the pain of what must have been a bad posture. He was not aware that he had fallen asleep, but evidently he had.

His mood had not improved after the sleep and he did not have much desire to do anything. With a tired gesture he stretched his arm to reach the briefcase where he kept his laptop that he had left it on a side table next to the sofa. Maybe he could check some pending projects and check his mail, they had to send him a couple of new scripts to see if he was interested.

Only one of the scripts had arrived and he was ready to file it in the pending folder for later review. Navigating through the different folders, the name of one caught his attention and did so because he no longer even remembered its existence, it had been a long time since he had looked at it.

"Discarded Projects", he smiled sadly at the name invented to avoid the possible curiosity of his now ex-wife. For a long time he had clung to that folder to overcome his worst moments, although in Chris' words, that folder only caused him more pain and finally he could only agree with it and little by little he stopped resorting to it but never had the courage to erase it.

He moved the mouse over it and right-clicked "Change Name", deleted the old tag and typed in the new "Jay & Jen". Without knowing why he was satisfied with that little gesture and after that opened it. In front of him a large mosaic of photographs was displayed, with a smile on his lips he clicked on the first of them which was enlarged to occupy the whole screen.

He passed them one by one, recreating them all with a bittersweet sensation while remembering all those past moments, places, people and experencies shared. The image that now appeared before his eyes unleashed in him a heartfelt exclamation. Their smiling faces filled the screen. It was a selfie taken by Jensen in the room they shared at home in Vancouver.

In it you could see their faces, their bare shoulders as they were in bed and Jensen's left hand intertwined with Jared's right hand placed between them at the height of their necks. On the wrists of both steel and leather bracelets. Jensen's fingers slid across the screen over them and his mind traveled back that day.

 

******* 7 years earlier *******

 

“Where are we going, Jen?” Jared grimaced, sitting on the bed, while a fast-paced Jensen ran from one side of the room to the other picking up the clothes he was going to wear to get out.

“Don't be a kid, Jay. I told you it's a surprise. Please get your pretty ass up there and take it to the shower. We're going to be late.”

Jared didn't move a millimeter, but a giant, dimpled smile was now peeking into his face.

“What?,” asked an exasperated Jensen. "What happens now?”

“Do you think I have a pretty ass?.” The chestnut chuckled. Jensen dropped his arms in a clear gesture of defeat as he breathed a long sigh. Slowly he walked to stand in front of him and held the collar of the chestnut shirt with his fists.

“Yes Jared, you have a beautiful ass. The best ass I've ever seen in my life.” The chestnut looked at him with a silly smile on his lips and couldn't and wouldn't resist kissing him without letting go of his grip. “Now, be a good boy and go to the shower... NOW!” He stole another little kiss from his lover and walked away from him to continue what he was doing.

Jared made its way to the bathroom, but turned around before passing through the door. Jensen looked at him incredulously with a raised eyebrow.

“Don't you want to come with me? To make sure I'm doing it right, I say.” A mischievous smile came to his lips.

“Jared, I just got out of the shower...”

“Well, I'm sure there are places you couldn't rub, I'm sure I could...”

A huge laugh came out of the chestnut's mouth when Jensen's boot hit the wall next to the bathroom door. Thank God he didn't have good aim.

“You don't know what you're missing," he shouted under the hot shower as Jensen shook his head in amusement.

When Jared came out of the bathroom Jensen was already dressed up and was waiting for him sitting in the armchair under the window. His green eyes starved through the still wet Jared’s body and felt an immense heat invade his whole body. Jared was not ignorant of the scrutiny of his body and looked seductively as it dried.

“Don't look at me like that, cowboy, you had your chance.” And with a gesture of disdain he began to dress. Jensen laughed amusingly as he slowly rose towards him entangling his fingers in the soft wet hair, pulling him until he had the chestnut lips within reach. With a mocking smile he deposited a quick but intense kiss on them.

“Easy, little boy... Tonight you'll be begging me to ride you.”

Jared felt the intensity of those green eyes stuck in him and knew it was a promise. He noticed a shiver of excitement running down his back and he could only think of getting out of there to get back as soon as possible.

“I'll wait for you downstairs, don't be late...” Jensen's whisper reached his ears as he watched his partner leave the room gawking. _"How can he be so fucking sexy,"_ he asked himself, while admiring how the grey jeans and the black shirt Jensen wore fitted so perfectly to the right parts of his body. A scream from the lower floor took him out of his daydream and he finished dressing quickly.

“That's it!,” he proclaimed triumphant as he walked down the stairs. “Will you tell me where we're going?”

Jensen felt that he was running out of air in his lungs when he saw him go down, so absolutely perfect before his eyes, but with disguised inspiration he managed to recover before Jared reached his side.

“What part of "surprise" didn't you understand?” Jared plunged his shoulders into a false gesture and headed for the car under Jensen's amusing gaze.

Jared was happy, Jensen's date for that night could not be described in any other way than brilliant. Leaving the house, Jensen had driven to the centre, ending up in front of 1129 Hamilton St... Jared could only look at him in surprise. Jensen had a big smile on his face as he nodded. When they got out of the car, handing over the keys to a very young valet, they found themselves in front of the Cioppino’s façade. Jared couldn't believe it, he had been wanting to go to that restaurant for a long time, but booking was almost impossible.

Giuseppe "Pino" Posteraro had been Chef of the Year in Canada for two consecutive years and his restaurant was considered the best in Vancouver. Jared was desperate not only to taste the menu, which would clearly be incredible, but what most caught his attention was his renowned enoteca.

The famous restaurant was divided into two distinct zones. One was the restaurant itself, with a large dining room with square tables, white tablecloths and wooden chairs, distributed perpendicularly in front of an open kitchen, through whose glass you could contemplate the work of the kitchen team. The next was the enoteca area, divided into different rooms or spaces according to the number of diners. After introducing themselves to the Maître, he led them to the enoteca area, specifically to the Dom Pérignon Oénoteque lounge.

Jared could not hide his emotion while Jensen followed him to the table. It was a round table for 6 people. The service was arranged around it on a cream-coloured tablecloth with a small vase in the centre carrying a single red rose. The table was framed by dark wooden backrest chairs with vertical crossbars. The space around it was closed on three of its sides by huge antique wooden shelves that rose above the height of Jared. The shelves were formed by different cells and in the center of each one, a bottle of wine, with its label conveniently exposed. Jared eagerly glanced through them all before taking a seat.

“Who else is coming?,” he asked curiously when he finally realized the size of the table. Jensen was about to answer just as the Maître appeared again accompanied by three tall smiling figures. Jared couldn't believe it. “But when...? How...?” He muttered as he got up to wrap the blue-eyed blond boy next to him in a big hug. “How could you not tell me you were coming, dude?”

“Don't ask...,” said Jensen, amused as he greeted the other two. “The concept of surprise doesn't enter his mind". Everyone laughed at the comment except for Jared, who put on a face of annoyance, causing even more laughter.

“Chris, Steve, it's always good to see you,” he greeted the other two, while Jensen greeted Chad and once the hugs were over, everyone sat down at the table.

The dinner was spectacular, as expected, tasting the highlights of the famous menu such as Beef Carpaccio, Pea Risotto with Quinoa and Alaskan King Crab and the special Signature seafood Cioppino. The wines to accompany such a tasty dinner were left to Jared's choice, everyone knew he was passionate about them, although for some cases he was advised by the Sommelier. For dessert there was no discussion, Pino's modern twist of Tiramisu.

Dinner passed between laughter, new and old anecdotes and future plans of all. The glances between Jared and Jensen said everything to each other and hid little from the others who laughed amusingly. Both were relaxed with their friends, the only ones who knew about their relationship and were fine with it.

“Ok, boys!” exclaimed Chris as he tapped his stomach. “This has been great, but it's time to break camp or we'll be late," he said, exchanging a brilliant look with Jensen who now seemed a little nervous.

“Late where?,” Jared asked. “Come on guys, more surprises? Know you that it's a little creepy that you all know what we're going to do except me.

“Let's go, Jay! I'm your best friend. You love surprises," said Chad as he struck his shoulder amicably. They all laughed funny.

Steve's serene eyes settled on him. “We played tonight at a club here in Vancouver," he explained in a quiet voice, "we thought it would be fun to go all the way and then have a drink afterwards.”

Jared smiled satisfied with the explanation. “Great! Let's go then!.” They asked for the bill that Jensen insisted on paying and then they went out to get their cars.

The place chosen was The Media Club, a small but well known club that offered live music almost every night. Jensen, Jared and Chad settled at one of the tables near the stage and ordered a few beers while Chris and Steve disappeared from sight, supposedly preparing everything with the rest of their group before going out to perform.

Jared walked the view through the small place quite crowded with people and then posed his eyes on Jensen. The blond kept smiling, but Jared couldn't stop thinking he was nervous, he felt a little tense and his eyes were running around the room without stopping anywhere.

“Jen, are you all right?,” he asked somewhat worried. The blond's eyes centered on him and then quickly descended to the beer he was holding in his hands.

“Uh... yes, of course, everything was great," he replied quickly, and then gave his drink a long drink. Jared looked at him skeptically, but didn't have time to ask any more questions as the lights in the room went out and the boys appeared on stage.

After a while of applause, the room fell into silence and the music began to play. The audience was carried away by the melodious voices of Chris and Steve who alternated as vocalists in the wide repertoire of their new album. Everyone enjoyed and applauded at the end of each song, including the table made up of the three friends. Jared enjoyed watching Jensen quietly sing each one of them, he liked the boys' style and had been to one of his concerts, but Jensen's thing went beyond that.

He had been friends with Chris and Steve for years and although he had opted for his facet as an actor, that of a musician had never stopped attracting him and many times he collaborated with them in small concerts and even composing with Steve some of his lyrics or tunes. For a moment he abstracted everything just enjoying the image of his friend getting carried away.

He didn't realize that the music had stopped until he heard Chris' deep voice amplified by the microphone. “Thank you so much for everything. To finish for today, I wanted to ask a friend who is here in the room.” His eyes were fixed directly on Jensen who now seemed paralyzed. The blue eyes of the singer asked in silence, a gesture of assent on the part of the blonde gave him the answer. “I wanted to ask him... to come up here and accompany us in this last song.”

People applauded and Chris looked at him with a warm smile. Jared watched him between surprised and admired. He felt a prick of pride in his chest and applauded like the most when Jensen took the stage. Someone handed him a guitar and Chris gave up his seat in front of the microphone and retired until he stood next to Steve, not before giving a couple of claps of encouragement to his friend.

“Good night...” greeted something nervous. “I wanted to thank Chris and Steve for the opportunity to accompany them again in one of their performances, it's an honor.” The two friends nodded in response and Jensen continued, "I wanted to dedicate this song to someone very special to me," he said nothing else but his eyes traveled to meet Jared's now glowing with excitement. “"More than I deserve", I hope you like it.”

People applauded enthusiastically, Jensen's hands trembled on the fret of the guitar, but when the first chords began to sound he was carried away by them, everything around him disappeared and the only thing that kept him anchored to that place were Jared's changing grey eyes.

**_Livin’g with me, it ain’t easy_ **

**_But I do it every day_ **

**_Sometimes even now_ **

**_I wanna run away_ **

 

**_But there you are_ **

**_Yoy’re tryin’g to please me_ **

**_Yeah you stand your ground_ **

**_It’s more than I deserve_ **

**_......._ **

 

Jared listened attentively, Jensen's deep, melodic voice enveloped him with a warmth that shook every fiber of his being. He lost himself in the deep jade of his eyes as he felt his hands tremble at the intensity of the moment.

 

. _ **......**_

_**I’ve taken more than I’ve given** _

_**I’ve taken for granted this life I’m livin’g** _

_**And I don’t know why heaven above** _

_**Blessed me with your sweet love** _

_**Though I never tell you what you’re worth** _

_**It’s more than I deserve** _

 

_**I’ve taken more than I’ve given** _

_**I’ve taken for granted this life I’m livin’g** _

_**And I don’t know why heaven above** _

_**Blessed me with your sweet love** _

_**Though I never tell you what you’re worth** _

_**That’s cause it’s more than I deserve** _

_**.......** _

 

The song ended and the applause was heard for several minutes. Chris and Steve came over to hug Jensen and say goodbye to the audience. The blonde seemed a little stunned now that everything had happened and his friends pulled him towards the back of the stage disappearing because of the curtain that separated them from the small back stage. Jared got up immediately and hurried to the place where the three boys had disappeared. Chad was smiling at him from the table where he decided to wait.

When he found the boys, Jensen was wrapped in a huge bear hug courtesy of Kane while Steve's sweet gaze did not depart from them. He smiled as he saw Jared arrive and cleared his throat a little louder than usual to warn the others of his presence. Kane walked away from his friend with a smile and a startled Jensen was exposed to the intense gaze of the chestnut struggling to contain itself from hurling itself over him at the front of everyone.

Steve whispered something in Kane's ear that exploded in a huge laugh. The others looked at him in surprise when the singer wrapped his arms around their shoulders.

“All right, all right...” He said condescendingly. “I think some of us here need a moment of intimacy.” He continued with laughter as he pushed them down a narrow corridor until he reached the door of what was supposed to be the dressing room that the club offered to the artists performing there. He pushed them in and peered his head out before closing.

“Ten minutes! I don't want to find unpleasant things when I come back, for that you have a house for God's sake!” They all laughed but gave Chris a thankful look before he left.

The two were silent for a while, lost in each other until Jared took the first step, reaching out his hand and stroking his companion's cheek. “Fuck Jen. That was... it was incredible," he said with a trembling voice, his eyes gliding in adoration over the blond's face. Jensen looked at him a little blushing.

“Did you like it? Wasn't it a little ridiculous?,” he asked with concern.

“Not for God's sake! No! Jensen, it was incredible, you've been incredible," he said, approaching until both breasts collided. “I... I don't deserve you," he whispered just before kissing him.

His lips slipped softly over Jensen's, leaving him wanting more. The blonde surrounded his neck, bringing him closer so that he could go deeper, increasing the intensity now over Jared's mouth. Their tongues found themselves sliding and wiggling over each other at a pace that only they knew. Jensen sighed, breaking away unwillingly, placing little kisses on the chestnut's lips before doing so.

“I have something for you. Well..., for us," he said, blushing at the questioning gaze of the highest. Jared looked at him curiously as he took a package out of his jacket pocket and handed it to him with trembling hands. “It's silly," he said with a nervous laugh, "I saw it... I don't know... I thought he'd be fine. If you don't want to...”

Jared put one hand over his mouth, interrupting all his verbiage.

“Oh Jensen for God's sake, shut up! Let me open it first.” The other one blushed even more but remained silent as Jared unwrapped the package.

A rectangular box of modern design made of some kind of vinyl and with a sliding bevelled glass lid appeared between his hands as he removed the wrapping. Jensen looked at him anxiously and for a moment his twisted mind thought of making his companion suffer a little more, but after a quick glance he realized that if he didn't open it he would have to call 112 with a heart attack warning.

His nerves also skyrocketed when he started sliding the lid, after the night Jensen had prepared he was sure it had to be something special. When the glass had finished sliding, identical leather and steel bracelets appeared before his eyes. Both were intertwined on a grey foam surface that made them stand out. They were beautiful.

Jared slid his fingers across them with reverence as he cast quick glances at Jensen who nodded inviting him to take them. The chestnut took them out of the case. On the black leather stood out the carved pieces of shiny steel. They were masculine and elegant. Moving them between his long fingers Jared could see an inscription on the inside. Excited he turned them to read them, carved under the steel there were two J's intertwined with the inscription "Forever" on the side.

Jared's hands wrapped Jensen's face as his mouth closed over the lips of the blond smiling inside the kiss. They continued to do so until the need for air was stronger.

“I guess that you liked them...” said Jensen nervously nodding his head.

“I loved them. I loved everything you did tonight... Thank you Jen....”

Jared had released the bracelets and now he was taking Jensen's hand to put his, the blonde was looking at him excited. Then it was his turn and it was Jared who couldn't avoid a silly smile on his lips. His lips met again in a tender and warm kiss.

“I love you," said Jensen before kissing him again.

“I love you too.”

The door rang twice before opening and letting Chris' head be seen with his eyes closed.

“If I open my eyes I'm not going to find anything to traumatize me, am I right?” asked amused. “Let's go, lovebirds! Beers aren't going to wait cold all night!” The two laughed and followed their friend back to the place.


	16. When everything was perfect

Chapter 16: When Everything Was Perfect

 

After a few beers Chris and Steve had a second pass, the audience had decreased making it more intimate and quiet. Chad looked at the other two who had been absorbed in the rest of the world for a long time. 

“Why don't you go home? I'm going to have to look for insulin to inject myself if you have more time ahead of you.” 

They both stared at him, incredulous, and the blond only shrugged as if what he had said was the most obvious thing in the world. The blush rose to the cheeks of both of them. 

“We're not going to leave you alone," said Jared somewhat apologetically. 

“Besides, we haven't said goodbye to the boys...,” continued Jensen. 

“For God's sake, I'm alone now, even though you're here," Chad sneered, provoking gestures of guilt in his friends. “Go away... go procreate or whatever you gays do.... NOW! I bid you farewell to the boys…”

Jared and Jensen laughed in shame as they fleetingly watched from Chad to the stage. 

“So you don't mind?,” they asked again. 

“No! Get out!.” Jensen hugged him as a farewell and Jared rather squeezed him as if he wanted to break him. 

“Thank you, buddy, you're a friend.”

“The best! Don't ever forget it," he shrieked on his back as they were almost reaching the door of the place. 

After a journey that became eternal for both of them, they were finally at home, a little tired from all the hustle and bustle, infatuated with alcohol, but certainly wanting everything but sleep. Jared only had time to release the keys in the sideboard saucer before finding himself with his chest stamped against the wall of the entrance. A groan of surprise escaped his lips, soon turned into a purring of pleasure as he felt Jensen sniffing at his neck, kissing his neck as he slid those strong hands along his sides to his buttocks. He squeezed them tightly as he lunged at them with his hip. 

“I've wanted you since you got out of the shower this afternoon.” Jensen's deep, dark voice made him tremble with pleasure and anticipation. He could say nothing and only a nervous laugh escaped his lips. After biting his neck, Jensen turned him, face to face, his eyes were fixed on his lover's, large dark pupils dilated by the fire that Jared guessed was growing more and more in Jensen and that he could feel flowing through the blond's hands on every inch he touched of his skin. 

“I want you too,” Jared babbling, intimidated by the force and decision that seemed to have possessed Jensen. The lips united without delicacy, there was haste, desire, necessity, all the repressed gestures and contents during the night escaped now in the intimacy of their home, their safe space where only the two of them were. 

Hands moved anxiously, touching and squeezing, stripping each other of the hindrance of clothing, because the only important thing was skin, warm skin, soft, skin sweating, sweat caused by the longing for more contact, more heat. His pulsations rose in a devilish rhythm that throbbed under his temples, in his necks, where Jensen's teeth decided to close, causing a hoarse groan in Jared. 

Breathing accelerated, gasping, tongues sliding down each centimetre of exposed skin, travelling through the opponent's body until they found each other again, then indulging in a frantic struggle in which both were victorious and defeated. Their erect members clashed with each other even under the hard fabric of the jeans, causing drowned groans and causing the temperature to rise to almost suffocate them. 

Jared closed his long fingers over his lover's strong biceps, squeezing and pushing him away slightly. Jensen looked at him confused, his eyes murky trying to understand. Jared loosened his grip without taking his eyes off the green tide that was Jensen's eyes. The grip became a caress, encircling his elbows, sliding down his tanned forearms. Jensen now followed with his gaze the movement of Jared's hands, going up and down them, calming him. 

Jared put his long fingers around Jensen's wrist, the one who wore the bracelet, went up to his hand shaking it with his and then lifted both of them up. Without taking his eyes off the blond face that followed him in ecstasy, he took the inner face of Jensen's wrist to his lips, kissing the bracelet with it. Jensen was still. 

“Let's go to bed..., now," said Jared in a soft tone as he pulled Jensen's arm down the stairs. 

Jensen just nodded and let himself go. Jared went up in front, Jensen adoredly slid his hand over the wide shoulders of his lover, continued with one finger down his long column until he was hooked to the waistband of Jared's trousers which became a tug for the short time of the ascent. A mischievous smile adorned both their faces. 

When they reached the room, the intensity was still high, but the pace was slower. Standing by the bed, the kisses continued, hot and wet, hands running across each other's backs, clinging to each other's shoulders and squeezing together, feeling so close together that it seemed they could melt into each other. Jensen groaned as he noticed Jared's long fingers struggling with the buckle of his belt, gave him a triumphal dimpled smile when he did, after that he was quick to get rid of the rest of his clothes, knocking his trousers next to the boxers down to his ankles. Jensen kicked them out of the way and released a drowned grunt as he felt the heat of Jared's hand enveloping his needy cock. 

“Fuck, Jared! Yes, God! So...” Jensen could not refrain from ramming at the fist of his lover who smiled at him sufficiently. The blonde had to close his eyes trying to calm down when the chestnut fell to his knees in front of him. “Oh shit...,” he babble before biting his lip when he felt Jared's wet, hot tongue wrap itself around his already very swollen member. 

Jared slid precisely along his cock as his hands kneaded his lover's tight buttocks. Without stopping, he looked up to find the hot spectacle of Jensen's face, eyes closed, jaw clenched, sweat running down his temple as his lower lip disappeared clenched under his teeth. He felt that image light up to the point of pain. 

Without letting his mouth leave the precious treasure that was his companion's body, he managed with one hand to release his own erection, caressing himself as his lips closed tightly to Jensen's hard cock, climbing and descending without rest. The blond entangled his fingers in Jared's silky hair, first caressing it and then closing over it, holding it firmly. The chestnut stood still, leaving Jensen to set his own rhythm, with fast, deep onslaughts that he struggled to endure.

Jensen looked down and felt his knees weak. The vision of that dedicated Jared, accepting everything he gave him while self-complacent his own virility almost makes him faint. Not without effort he stopped his thrusts and pulled him up looking for his mouth, tasting in it his own flavor. “Fuck Jay... you are so hot...,” he whispered in his mouth, his hands clinging to the neck of the tallest as his thumbs slid over his cheeks. 

Her eyes met again, speaking in silence of repressed desires wanting to free themselves, permissions granted to each other, trust, love... Jared's hands slipped down his lover's hips, round his waist until they closed on his back, his limbs collided between their bodies causing moans that died in the mouth of the other. Jensen pushed him until his legs collided with the edge of the bed where he let him lie down while he, from above, looked at him. 

The eyes of a very excited Jared, lying on the bed, begged for more contact, fixed on the face of the blond who continued to be self-absorbed, glancing across the body on the bed as if he could see under the skin. 

“Jen...?” The blonde seemed to react by focusing his eyes on his. 

Jensen's hand went down to his chest, sliding his fingertips almost imperceptibly over him, to the point that Jared thought he really didn't touch him and that it was his own skin that stood up behind them looking for contact. His chest went up and down fast, his shortness breath in anticipation of the next movement. Jensen's hand wandered on his thighs, fidgeting, getting closer and further away from the one place he needed it to be. 

When he finally closed it on his cock, despite the clothes that separated him from the contact, Jared threw himself on the mattress, raised his torso leaning on his elbows and fixed a really urgent look on Jensen. A self-sufficient smile appeared on the older man's lips, accompanied by the most ardent gaze he had ever seen. 

Jensen climbed into bed, patting his thighs apart and kneeling between them when he did. His hands moved skillfully unbuttoning his belt and opening his trousers. “Lift up..." he ordered in a hoarse voice and he obeyed in the act, thus allowing him to strip him of the clothes he was still wearing. 

Jensen's hands caressed the inside of his thighs, slipping down them hopelessly slowly, down to his hips, grasping them firmly and pulling on them until they were coupled together like puzzle pieces. Both erections rubbed each other causing moans of pleasure. Without being able to endure more Jared pulled the strong arms of his lover urging him to lie down on him, seeking the warmth of his mouth in an intense and needy kiss.

Jensen began a cadenced movement on his body without ever abandoning the kiss. Both grunted with the discharges of pleasure caused by the rubbing of his thick erections. Jensen's teeth closed on his chin, around his jaw in small bites then relieved by slow caresses of his tongue. Jared floated in a confused ecstasy letting himself be carried away by the safety of the eldest, only wishing for more, more than Jensen wanted to give him. 

“Jen..." murmured his name in a needed plea, "Jen... please... I need...".

Jensen's tongue and lips, which were still lost in languid walks between his shoulders, his neck, his face..., returned to his lips with a slow, deep kiss that made him sigh. 

“Shhh..., I'll take care of you..." said the blond in a warm, dark tone, just before he began a descent on his body. 

The strong, wide hands slid down his sides as a path of saliva split his muscular chest in half. Jensen's teeth brushed the turgid protuberances on both sides, sucking them hard under his tongue, listening to the groans that confirmed he was doing well. He continued down to the navel, penetrating it with his tongue as he looked up and found Jared's changing eyes watching in ecstasy. 

When Jensen's thick lips brushed against the vein that nourished his hardness, Jared believed that he could die right then and there and that it would have been worth it. The blond's tongue slipped through it until it reached the tip, playing with its cleft making him totally incoherent. 

“For God's sake! Oh, fuck... Jensen...” His hands closed tightly against the sheets as he dropped his head on the pillow. 

Jensen's mouth was wet and hot, perfect, he had no other word to describe it. 

“Jen...” he begged. Jensen raised his head to look at him even if he let his hand leave work. 

“What do you want, Jay?” A mocking smile appeared on his lips. 

“I... I... Fuck! I need you..., I need to feel you... Jensen..., please....” 

The fire in Jensen's eyes ignited and Jared felt the need to burn in it and knew he would get it when he felt it inside him, hot as hell, filling him as only he knew how to do. “Please...,” he begged again. Jensen rose above him, stretching his arm until he reached the drawer on the bedside table, a second later the greasy liquid impregnated his fingers. 

A gesture of astonishment came over Jared's face when his lover changed position, rising on his hips and now sitting on his firm belly. 

“Jensen... what...?.” Jared felt the liquid spill over his erection and Jensen's hand move skillfully helping to lubricate it. A serene smile settled on the blond's lips. 

“I told you I was going to ride you tonight..." he whispered against his lips. 

Jared's mind collapsed when he understood what he meant. 

“But you never...,” he said. 

“There's always a first time for everything... and you're going to be mine.” 

Jared swallowed dry and for a moment he was terrified. Fuck, he was going, he was going to... He closed his eyes to try to calm himself, opening them again when he felt the pressure of Jensen's hand on his chest. He didn't know if it was a good idea, not when he ran out of air to see Jensen leaning on his chest, hips raised and the free hand between his buttocks dilating itself, getting ready for him. 

The blond's face was contracted in a mixture of pleasure, discomfort and concentration. His eyes closed, those sinful lips, red and swollen by the kisses, shiny and wet, half-open, so fucking hot. Jared brought his hand to Jensen's cheek and slid his thumb over them, recreating himself in their soft texture. 

“Jen, look at me.” The blonde seemed not to hear him. “Jen, look at me, please. I want to see you...”

The huge eyelashes peeled off, giving way to brilliant crystallines, whose irises had darkened so much that it was hard to guess the green hidden in them. Jared thought he was drowning in the depth they were transmitting. “God, you are so beautiful," he whispered as he caressed the eldest's chest with devotion. Jensen stopped when the need in him was already uncontrollable. His expression was tense, but decisive when he positioned himself by aligning Jared's hard member with his entrance. 

Jared looked at him in ecstasy, his hands moved by instinct sliding smoothly from the blond's knees, up his thighs to his hip where they secured themselves helping him to hold on. In his gaze a last and mute question that Jensen answered by dropping himself on him. He had to close his eyes to contain himself, he thought he exploded when the ring of muscles closed on his glans. 

A hoarse moan from the blond's throat made him open them again, his face and chest were pearly with sweat and he felt the urgent need to lick it, but he held back enjoying the vivid image of pleasure in front of his eyes. Jensen bit his lower lip as he continued to descend upon his cock, burying it deeper and deeper inside. The blond's fingers closed like claws on his chest, but nothing could matter to him now more than to let himself be carried away by the sensations the man gave him.

When their bodies finally came together Jensen remained still, adjusting to the strange intrusion, calming the rhythm of his breathing. He opened his eyes when he was ready to meet the expectant honey-coloured eyes of his companion. A smile filled both their faces and bent down to kiss him. In the movement he felt as Jared slid out with a groan, without leaving the kiss he pushed back again initiating the longed for movement. 

“Oh God Jen... so narrow....” Jared felt the delicious pressure on him, holding tightly to the blond's hips, rushing to his torturing rhythm. The discomfort gave way to pleasure and Jensen wanted to fill himself with it. 

“I'm ready now... move Jay," whispered in his ear as he bit the line from his jaw to his mouth. The chestnut didn't make himself begging by ramming his hips with strong, fast and deep thrusts. 

Jensen fell apart when in one of those Jared touched something inside him, the explosion of pleasure left him breathless, Jared understood in his gesture that he had achieved it. He felt the pride of being the one who was providing that pleasure. He sat up, the blond's arms closed over his neck as his hands closed over his rounded buttocks. 

Jensen rode over him imposing a fast and deep rhythm, his mouths melting into a madness of teeth, tongue and saliva. Their sweat mixed between their breasts and the only thing you could hear were gasps, moans and incoherent curses. Jared carried one of his hands to the needy member of his lover, his fingers skillfully wrapped around it and began a slow movement that slowly adapted to the rhythm of his onslaughts. 

Jensen felt the orgasm forming inside him, he noticed how his testicles contracted and the heat swirled in his belly. 

“Jared..., I can't...,” his words were broken. 

“Come, Jen, do it for me.”

Jensen's eyes opened in an exorbitant manner when he heard the deep voice of the chestnut, hiding his face in his neck, he drowned a hoarse groan against his skin when he let himself be carried away spilling on the chest of both of them. 

The pressure of Jensen's internal muscles when he reached orgasm seemed unbearable to Jared, who looked for the blond's mouth for an intense kiss before spilling into it in a way he never thought possible. They remained in the same posture, still on the crest of the wave. Little kisses were now distributed, warm and tender, as their breaths were once again measured and the rhythm of their hearts was once again reasonable. 

“You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," said Jared in a serious tone, without taking his eyes off the blond. Jensen blushed at the confession, but held his gaze. 

“You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I want nothing more than you by my side.”

He leaned over to leave another soft kiss on the minor's lips and could not see the slight gleam of panic in them.


	17. Guilt

**Chapter 17: Guilt**

He was never gonna get tired of waking up like that. He felt Jensen's deep, relaxed breathing against his neck and the weight of his arm on his chest as well as one of his legs intertwined. Surely it was late, the night had become longer, the thought of it made him smile. Fortunately for them it was Sunday, nothing would happen if they slept a little longer. He closed his eyes lazily, yes, a little bit more would be great.

“Don't even think about it...”

A pasty voice interrupted his attempt to concentrate and sleep. Not without difficulty he turned his head so that he could see Jensen's face, which was still resting on his shoulder, the corner of his lips touching his neck. His eyes were closed, but he still talked.

“Don't go to sleep again, you lazy bastard. You have to get up...”

Jared looked at him amused, listening to the ridiculous and drowsy tone of his partner. “Are you listening to yourself?.” He laughed, “You're still sleeping, man.”

“No...” His long eyelashes separated and Jared felt the warm green focused on him, he swallowed saliva before moving to stand sideways in front of him.

“So what are we going to do?,” he asked amusingly. Jensen offered him a huge smile before he came closer to place a tender kiss on his lips.

“Let's take a shower, have breakfast and then we'll be back here for the rest of the day," he said very seriously. Their eyes were studied for a few seconds before Jared burst out laughing.

“I think it's a great plan," he replied in a much lower tone, encircling each other's waists and drawing them towards his body. They kissed slowly, with laughter and lazy caresses, Jared slid his hand along Jensen's arm until he intertwined his fingers with his, squeezing his palm in a gesture that meant many things.

Suddenly the kiss stopped and Jared looked thoughtfully at Jensen's now questioning face.

“What?,” asked the blond. Jared's adorable dimples appeared next to a mischievous smile.

“I want a picture of this," he said with conviction. "A picture that reminds me of tonight's special.” Jensen looked terrified, but still laughed.

“That sounded very corny, dude.”

“I know...” He leaned over Jensen, kissing him on the nose and reaching for the mobile phone with his arm above his head.

“Come here, sweetheart," he said to Jensen, pouting, once he had the camera ready. Jensen looked at him in horror and with a quick movement took the mobile out of his hands.

“I don't want to take a picture of myself like that," he said offendedly, "and besides, I'm taking the picture because you're very bad.”

The chestnut laughed. “Okay, okay. You're the boss. Take the picture I can't wait for that shower anymore.” His gray eyes shone mischievously.

Jensen attach himself to him, intertwined his hands and stretched out the arm holding the mobile in front of them.

“Chesse,” they said in unison.

 

**\----------------- NOW -------------------**

 

Jensen sighed, his body weighed heavily and he began to notice some alarming stabs in his neck. He felt heat on his legs and didn't know what was causing it. He opened his eyes lazily, blinking repeatedly until his eyes got used to it. Everything was dark except for a blue glow that seemed to come from somewhere under his head.

Disoriented, he sat up slightly just to contemplate the screen saver of the computer resting on his legs, with a somewhat tentative gesture he slid his finger over the touchpad, the screen saver disappeared and the image of both filled the screen again. Jensen closed his eyes even with the emotions of the memorable dream very much present under his skin. He opened them again to notice the time of the small clock in the corner of the screen.

At 02:46, he grope for with his hand on the sofa looking for the mobile. There was nothing, no call, no message. Once again he released it disgusted, Jared had not given any signals and of course at this time of night he was not going to give. Carefully he left the computer on the coffee table in the living room without even make the effort to turn it off, dragging his feet, he went to his room, dropping himself grief-stricken on the mattress, begging to fall asleep and not thinking about why Jared hadn't called him when he told him he would.

**********

The light that filtered through the curtains and began to be noticed through his eyelids made him understand that it was already dawn. He brought his hand to his face rubbing it with heaviness. He had practically not slept and although he was really tired, all he could think about now was getting out of bed, but he could not. He looked down to see how Gen slept peacefully on his chest.

His mind was boiling with doubts, feelings of guilt, regrets and a sense of responsibility or something like that, he didn't know for sure what he was doing with his mind, the only thing clear is that he wasn't right with anything, he had been doing that since he landed in Los Angeles.

++++

Getting home had been good, it's always good when you come back, isn't it? The children jumped on him happy and excited by his presence, they quickly dragged him all over the house, telling him news from school, from his friends, showing him the class work. Jared followed them diligently, laughing with them and showing great interest in everything. It was the moment when he felt better.

Gen received him as always, affectionate and attentive, took care of his things and then accompanied him and the children on his little tour, laughing also hugging the children and him, playing the four on the carpet in the living room, at times crossed the look, her eyes shone happy and he could only feel that something was pressed into his chest. He felt a shortness of breath.

“Are we going somewhere?,” he suddenly asked, he needed to get out.

“To the park!,” shouted the little ones. Jared focused on them.

“To the park then," he said. Gen's gaze was a question mark, though a huge smile framed his lips. Jared shrugged and smiled back, but it didn't reach his eyes.

Sitting in the park, looking at the children on the swings and his wife with them, he began to think it wouldn't be as easy to talk to her as he had thought. Hell, she was a good person, she was a good mother, he loved Jensen, he wanted to be with him, but to hurt her, it was going to cost him. He had to do it, the sooner he said it, the sooner everything would be over and maybe she would forgive him one day. But right now, seeing them there, he couldn't find the courage. Maybe tomorrow.

His cell phone rang. Still thoughtful he took it out of his pocket to see a message from Jensen, smiled instinctively and replied quickly. Jensen told him about his new apartment. The children screamed and raised his head to see them. His gaze crossed with his wife's, the announcement of a new message rang and diverted his eyes back to the mobile. _"I miss you..."_. Jared closed his eyes for a moment. Jensen missed him (emotion), Gen and the kids were there (nerves, guilt). _"I miss you too... I have to leave you, we'll talk later...". "Ok"_ (betrayal and more guilt).

 _Ok_. That had been Jensen's short answer and Jared knew he was upset, probably more than that. He could only apologize and promise to call him back. When he was alone he could explain himself better. That's how the conversation ended, leaving an aftertaste of sadness added to everything else. He remained absorbed looking at the mobile until he realized that his wife was approaching, suddenly and without knowing why, he panicked. He quickly erased the history of the conversation with Jensen.

“What are you doing so entertaining with your mobile?,” she asked when she was sitting next to him on the bench. She couldn't help but startle with the question.

“Uhmm, nothing. I was chatting..." he replied hesitantly. Her gaze screamed with who. “It was Chad, he wanted to know if he was already here and if we could see each other.”

“You're already thinking about going with your friends," she asked with a stew.

“Uh... no. Of course not," he chuckled.

“I'm glad," she said, changing her posture and sitting on his legs. “You and I have a lot of work to do," and, after saying this, she kissed him. He stood still for a moment, feeling her lips glide over his. What was he supposed to do..., the fear was stronger and even without much enthusiasm, he answered the kiss.

Back home, time flew by with the children's routine, baths, dinner, putting them to bed, the two wanted Dad to read them a story before going to sleep and he was delighted to do it. After they fell asleep, he still spent some time contemplating them. They were so small, he thought. How would separation affect them? He didn't know, he didn't know anything. He rubbed his eyes wearily.

“Have they fallen yet?.” The voice came to him from the door. “Come on, it's late. Let's go to bed.” She offered her hand in a petition for him to follow her. He looked at her hesitantly, wanted to call Jensen, talk to him, reassure him.

“Hey..., you go, all right. I think I'm going to watch TV for a while. Catch up with the news and that," he said in a tone that pretended to be carefree. She looked at him skeptically and took a step to grab his hand.

“Have you seen yourself? You need to rest, you'll catch up tomorrow.” And without further ado, he found himself following her to the room where there was no way he could talk to Jensen.

\---------------------------

Yeah, guilty, that was definitely the word. Not even one day, he had been carried away by Gen for not having the courage to argue with her. He had hoped that his body would not react, that he would be able to excuse himself in fatigue, but that was not the case. Gen knew him, knew him very well and his body betrayed him even too quickly, how did he define that?

With great care he pushed his wife's small body to one side begging all the gods not to wake up, and very slowly he got out of bed. Once in the bathroom and as he let the shower water run to get temperature, he faced himself in the mirror.

How could he talk to Jensen now?

_Idiot, idiot, idiot!!! Why didn't you tell her? Why can't you just get this over with?_

He looked at his own reflection with rage, dark bags surrounded his eyes and anguish was reflected on his face. He put his hand to his hair and stirred it trying to shake everything off. He entered the shower and let himself be enveloped by hot water and steam, wishing that it could erase everything that had happened the night before.

When he came out of the bathroom he was already dressed in sport pants and a comfortable t-shirt. Approaching the desk he left a note for his wife. _"I'm going for a run”._ He took his cell phone, wallet and keys and left the house. He ran for an hour, imposing a fast and intense rhythm that would not let him think of anything other than holding the right breath so as not to suffer some kind of collapse. When his body could no longer fall on a bench in the immense park he walked, trying to catch his breath.

He took his mobile out of his pocket and looked at it for a long time before gathering enough courage to call.

+++++

The insidious melody reached the ears of a very sleepy Jensen. Still confused by sleep, he raised his head in disorientation, trying to find the source of the annoying sound. He stretched his arm lazily to reach the mobile and turned it to look at the screen. He woke up instantly to see the image of Jared reflected on the screen and was already sitting before he took down.

“Hey...” he saluted at the pickup and at the moment lamented because he was sure he had sounded too anxious.

“Hey...”. The voice on the other side arrived soft, somewhat muffled, and that made him a little nervous.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, no... I'm tired..., I went out to run and I took advantage now to call you and to be able to talk for a while.”

“Oh..., great...”

_Great? Sure..., He wanted to talk to him, He'd waited all night, but why did the way Jared said it made him feel upset, dirty?_

“I'm sorry about last night...”

Jensen blinked and again concentrated on the voice on the other side of the phone.

“I was putting the children to bed, it got late and I couldn't stay alone for a while.”

“Of course. Don't worry, I understand...”

There was an uncomfortable silence between them.

“I'm going to tell them, seriously...” Jensen remained silent, listening with a worried gesture. “It's complicated, yesterday everyone was excited, the children and all that, and I didn't see myself capable of it.” Jared's tone sounded a little more anguished each time. “But I'm going to do it. I swear Jen, I'm going to do it. You believe me, don't you?”

Jensen closed his eyes as he slowly massaged the bridge of his nose.

 _And what do you want me to say,"_ he thought to himself. _What can I do? Just hope that you make the right decision, that all this wasn't for nothing, that you didn't make me look forward to it again for nothing. Don't ever leave me again, Jared. What do you want me to say? She's not what you want, she's not what you need, your place is here with me, it always was and you know it. But I can't tell you that, I can't pressure you, you have to make the decision because if not, if something goes wrong I would be the responsible and I couldn't carry that behind my back too. God..., in what position does all this leave me...?_

“Jen?,” the worried voice on the other side of the phone brought him back to reality. He sighed remarkably before answering.

“Jared..., it's your decision... I..., I can't do anything, just tell you that I'm going to be here, waiting for you, if you want...” He stopped talking when he noticed how his voice was beginning to break.

“Yes, I want to...,” said the chestnut quickly.

“Well..." answered Jensen in a soft tone with a sad smile on his lips. Jared sighed in relief.

“I love you Jen, I miss you so much...”

“I love you too... See you soon...”

“Yes, there's nothing left...” The tone of the chestnut was glad at the idea. “Hey, I've got to go. I'll try to call you later, okay?”

“Okay... If you want, I can call you.”

Silence invaded the line for a few seconds.

"Uh, better not..." he said cautiously, "don't get angry, okay?,” he hastened to say. “It's just...”

“Don't worry..., I understand.” Jensen felt his whole body tense with rage, although he tried not to have it reflected in his voice. “We'll talk, okay? I have to start moving, the things in the apartment are not going to be placed on their own.”

“Yes... yes, of course. Take care of yourself, Jen. See you later.”

Jensen had hung up without saying another word.

Jared looked at the cell phone for a while. _“You're showing off...”_. Exhaling a loud sigh, he put it away and walked slowly back home.


	18. Break

Chapter 18: Break

 

The month had gone by faster than expected. The promotion of the show began and several weekends of presentations all over the country awaited them. Jensen was nervous, the last hours were becoming eternal. They had spoken, well, almost always chatted, practically every day when Jared left home or at dawn. Lately he had become accustomed to sleeping little. 

Jared still hadn't talked to Genevieve and that bothered him, but he had assured him that he had already contacted a lawyer and was studying the best of options for the children and so on. It was a matter of time and he is going to give him that time, he has gone through a divorce and knows how hard it is. He looks at the suitcase and sees that he has everything he needs, closes it and leaves the room to say goodbye to JJ and his mother who has come to take care of her for the weekend, after that he decides to look for a taxi to take him to the airport. 

Jared bids farewell to Gen and the children at the airport as Gen had insisted on taking him. He kneels on the floor and the children hurry to hang on to his neck as he surrounds them both with his arms with an enormous smile ordering them to behave well in his absence, Gen looks at them from above with a warm smile, their looks cross and Jared can't help deflecting it, so few hours away from meeting Jensen again, he doesn't see himself with the moral strength to hold it. With a quick kiss on his wife's cheek he goes to the boarding gate. 

On the plane and for only a few hours, he is allowed to think. The closeness of the meeting with Jensen fills him with illusion, he misses him so much, he longs to feel him, to smell him, to hear his voice, now he seemed to be more aware of it. But he was also scared, scared because he knew they were going to talk and it wasn't going to be as easy as chatting, he wasn't sure he could convince him that he needs more time. He closes his eyes and sighs deeply, throwing away that annoying pang of guilt. 

It's late now, the entire cast that makes up the presentation heads to the hotel dining room for dinner. They had spent the whole afternoon between panels and photo sessions and all contact between the two had been limited to a quick hug and conversations about the show in the interviews and in front of the audience. 

Everyone was tired but still a lively conversation takes place during dinner although they participate little, quite distracted in looking at each other although as covertly as possible of course, it is fun, smiles cross, glances that slide provocatively over the body of the opponent and Jensen, in a display of audacity, stood deliberately walking slowly across the table where Jared stood next to Misha, squatting between the two chairs, surrounded Misha with his arm telling him some secret in his ear as he supported his other forearm on Jared's thigh, slipping his elbow between his legs shamelessly grazing his crotch. 

Misha laughed amusingly at what Jensen was telling him as Jared grabbed the table to avoid bouncing on his seat in front of everyone. Jensen got up with a smile as he continued to converse with the people, his hand casually landed on Jared's shoulder and slid to the back of his neck, which he caressed lovingly before returning to his place. Jared could feel the heat rising up his cheeks and fixed a dark look on the blond as he sat down, he dedicated the most charming of his smiles. 

After a while everyone started to retreat, although they did it separately. Jensen had been in his room for forty minutes, had taken a shower and was wearing pajama pants and a comfortable old T-shirt. Lying on the bed, he changed the TV channels from one to the other while he waited. They had agreed on that, to wait so as not to meet anyone known in the corridor. Yes, it was a bit paranoid, it's not as if two friends couldn't see each other or have a drink in the room in fact they did it thousands of times while they were just friends and yet now it looked bad. Jensen shook those thoughts when the door rang. 

When he opened the door there was Jared, still dressed in comfortable jeans and a white shirt that highlighted his tanned skin and wore a shy smile that still illuminated his now gray-blue eyes. Jensen stepped aside to let him pass. Jared closed the door by pushing it with his heel at the same time that his huge arms were closing over the Jensen's body, locking him against his chest. Jensen corresponded to the embrace surrounding the waist of Jared and exhaling a long sigh against the neck of the tallest. 

They remained so for a while, in silence, rocking each other, calming down, becoming aware that finally and again they were next to each other. 

“I missed you so much," Jensen says at last, breaking the silence. Jared sighs and draws him even more against him. 

“I also to you...,” Jared answers. “Much...,” kiss his neck. “Much... much...,” and between each word more kisses. And Jensen laughs exposing his neck, giving more access to Jared that goes up through it until it reaches his mouth, and covers it with his lips and Jensen can no longer laugh. 

He can't and he doesn't want to, because now all he cares about is giving back that kiss, tasting Jared's thin lips again, feeling the warmth of his mouth, penetrating it with his tongue and then letting him do the same to him, because, after all, this is about sharing, isn't it? 

The intensity of the kiss rises rapidly, as does the temperature between the two. There is haste and need, too much lost time, too many caresses without giving. Clothes get in the way and they get rid of them quickly. Jensen contemplates the toned body of Jared now exposed before him, his eyes traverse it avidly becoming dark with desire. Jared smiles proudly, sliding one of his enormous hands across his chest without taking his eyes off the blond who tightens his jaw without losing detail. 

The hand slips between his pectorals, brushing his now erect and dark nipples, Jensen emits a low, deep grunt that encourages Jared to continue. He descends slowly with the palm stretched over his marked abdominals avoiding his swollen limb to descend to his testicles, squeezes and caresses them and cannot prevent a moan of pleasure from escaping his lips. 

Jensen remains still, looking at him, although Jared can feel his breathing has become heavy, he is tense and knows he will react soon. Thinking about it amuses and excites him in the same way and that is what he thinks about when he raises his hand and now surrounds his cock sliding along it in a cadenced way, exhibiting himself in front Jensen, warming himself with the fire that his gaze gave off. 

“You want to drive me crazy," protested Jensen in a hoarse, dark tone. “You're driving me crazy!”

He quickly covered the short distance separating them, one hand on the Jared's hip and the other on the nape of his neck, pulling on him a violent kiss full of tongue, teeth and saliva. He swings Jared's hand away and replaces it with his own in a caress as rude, possessive and violent as the kiss that makes Jared groan in a mixture of pleasure and pain. 

Jensen pushes with his body, leading Jared to the bed, falling on it when the legs of the tallest one collide with the mattress. Jared opens his legs and he positions himself between them, pushing with his hips causing both cocks to rub against each other, sliding over each other as well as their bodies. Both pant and call each other, their sweaty pearlescent bodies tremble under each caress. Jensen leaves the lips of the minor to run his tongue over his neck, his shoulders, his collarbone. 

Jared closes his eyes, throwing his head backwards and letting himself be carried away by sensations. 

“Oh, God, God..., please...” His enormous hands close on the tight buttocks of the blond, squeezing them and urging to Jensen not to abandon the movement of his hips. Jensen grunts, closing his teeth on Adam’s apple of Jared.

“I want you, now...,” he announces with a deep look, charged with desire at the same time as he slips his hand between the bodies of both of them until he places it between the buttocks of Jared. 

“Do it...” Jared's eyes glow with excitement, full of desire and anticipation. “Do it... I need... 

He is silent to the surprise of the intrusion of Jensen's fingers who looks at him with a self-sufficient smile. Jared rises to kiss him intensely and deeply. As he separates he drags Jensen's thick lower lip between his teeth, slips his tongue over it before releasing it and it returns to its being with an obscene plop. 

“Do it now," he demands. Jensen looks at him cautiously, they both know he's not ready yet. “Jensen...” Jensen's green eyes focus on his own. “I need to feel you, now.”

And Jensen doesn't need Jared to beg him anymore., because he needs it too, because he needs it so much, so much. He really tried to restrain himself, but he couldn't, and when he began to feel the warmth of Jared's body surrounding his cock he couldn't help but glide right inside. 

Jared's face contracted in a grimace of pain. 

“I'm sorry..., I'm sorry...” Jensen whispered, kissing his eyes closed. 

Jared sighing trying to relax. He knew it was going to hurt and one macabre part inside him wanted it to hurt because that would be part of the payment for what he was doing. He opened his eyes connecting with Jensen's jade that looked at him worried. He brought a hand to the perfect face of his lover, caressing it with tenderness. 

“I’m fine. It’s all right.” Jensen was still hesitating and Jared pushed himself against him to get him out of them. “Move Jen..., I need you...”

Jensen buried his face in the hollow of his neck and pushed himself hard, making them both pant, repeating the movement a single instant later. The rush came again. Jensen held his hips tightly, he felt his fingers sticking into them just like he did on his inside. 

When the rhythm went up none could hold much longer, Jared lured Jensen over him in a deep kiss. 

“Touch me...,” he begged. 

Jensen slid his hand between the two until he reached the needy member of Jared. It didn't take more than a couple of strokes before Jared exploded into a long, intense orgasm. 

“Jensen!,” he groaned against his mouth as his whole body contracted, pressing to Jensen inside and making him reach climax with a deep, deep groan, dropping himself a moment later, exhausted on his lover's body. 

They hugged each other, keeping pace with the rhythm of their breaths, enjoying the sensation of having each other after so much time. Finally Jensen withdrew carefully, falling to one side of Jared, turning both to see himself with bright eyes and a smile on their faces. 

“Hello...” said Jensen. 

“Hello..." answered the other, approaching again for a soft kiss. 

They were silent, looking at each other, letting themselves be carried away by languid caresses until they fell asleep. The rest was brief, Jensen was surprised when opening his eyes the room was still dark, he blinked confused when again he felt that shiver running down his spine, he noticed his warm body and a warm, wet pressure in his crotch. 

A drowned groan escaped his lips when, after focusing his gaze, he could see Jared kneeling between his legs and passionately devoted to the work he had imposed on himself.

“At last you wake up...” He said with a smile so full of intentions that he didn't know if he should be happy or scared. Jared's eyes shone dark and his lips were red and swollen, moist and bright from the saliva. Jensen noticed the temperature rise. 

“Fuck...,” he gasped. 

Jared's smile became bigger and more mocking. With a slow, feline movement, he slid over Jensen, covering him until he reached his mouth, kissing him with desperate slowness. 

“That's exactly what I'm trying to do...,” he whispered between the lips of Jensen who looked at him with question. “My turn...” He continued in a mocking tone and, to confirm his intentions, surrounded Jensen's thighs with his enormous hands, raising them and urging him to surround his waist with them. 

Jensen smiled in awe and raised his face to reach Jared's mouth in an intense kiss, in which he agreed with the idea. It wasn't the usual thing, but he recognized that he enjoyed feeling Jared inside as much as he did possessing him. 

They spent the rest of the night between kisses, sex, caresses and brief naps. Too much time to recover and sleep was overrated. The day's schedule was tight and didn't give them a break until nightfall, again in Jensen's room. 

“A drink?,” asked Jensen. 

“Please... whatever," answered the other, falling heavily into one of the armchairs. Both were tired, the stress of the two days and the lack of sleep of the previous night were now taking their toll. 

Jared smiled gratefully as he picked up the glass Jensen was holding on his way to the other chair. 

“I'm dead, dude," he proclaimed as he pitifully looked at his feet now resting on a low glass table in front of him. “I think we need to sleep tonight.” 

Jared looked at him funny. 

“We'll do what we can..., although I promise you nothing....” 

Jensen laughed, imagining from the Jared's face that he shouldn't have had many illusions about sleeping, but he had to admit, that internally he was satisfied with that. His glances crossed for a while, warm and full of mutual affection. 

“I need you, you know?” Jensen confessed in a low voice, looking away at the intricate drawing of the carpet. Jared stared at him, his eyes shone brightly before he looked away, swallowing the knot that had formed in his throat. 

“I know...,” he replied. His voice came out hoarse and strangled. He took a long sip of his drink before he could continue. “I'm sorry about all this, but it's going to be all right. Soon we'll be able to be together, that's what I want most.” 

Jensen looked again at him hopefully, Jared smiled trying to transmit security, giving credibility to his words, but the bottom of his eyes did not say that, they spoke of doubts and fears and also of guilt. And Jensen could see all that because he knew him, he knew Jared better than anyone else in the world. He sighed tired and gave a smile to the man in front of him, but it was a small, melancholy smile. 

“I don't know how long I'm going to be able to go on with this, Jay...” He picked up his legs and put his elbows on his knees, rubbing his face with a tired gesture between his hands. “The world throws itself on me, the apartment is enormous, the nights long and fuck..., I live pending of the telephone. I don't think that's right...” 

Jensen was now looking at his hands, rubbing them to disguise the tremor of them. 

Jared stood up worried, left the cup on the table and knelt in front of his lover placing his hands on his thighs and stroking them, making small circles with his thumbs. Jensen leaned back, giving him some room to look at him, while putting his hands on his. Jared looked for contact with Jensen's eyes and didn't speak until he got it. 

“What is it, Jen?.” Jensen shook his head and said nothing more. “Eh..., please..., talk to me, okay? We're fine, we're together.”

Jensen looked away again, now tense. Jared felt his hands twitch on his. 

“Tomorrow we leave...” He says in a broken tone and Jared starts to understand, and he also looks down because he doesn't have a good answer for that. 

He slides his hands over Jensen's legs to his hip, goes up to his waist and around it luring it towards him until his head rests against Jensen's chest. He says nothing and only closes his eyes relieved when the other's arms surround his neck and feels his warm lips kissing his hair. 

As they suspected, they didn't sleep that night either, although it was different from the previous one, there was no rush, no violence, no anxiety or anything like that. That night they gave themselves to slow caresses and long kisses, turned one on the other, clinging to every minute, to every second, wishing that it would never end and thus not have to leave the place where everything was perfect, just because the other was there. 

But nothing lasts forever and after the night, even if you don't want to, the morning arrives. And the morning found them hugging, the two on their side, Jared's back against Jensen's chest and Jensen's arm on his waist, sliding the palm over the toned belly of Jared in a distracted caress. 

“It would be a good choice if you came to live in Austin.”

Jared heard the phrase very close as Jensen's mouth rested between his neck and his shoulder. For a moment his body tightened, but he managed to control himself. 

“What?” He asked without turning. 

“I thought it might be a good idea. We can look for a house, your parents and mine are nearby in case we need help with the children. It's better connected to travel if needed. I don't know..., I just thought so...”

Jared was quiet for a while, he wasn't so sure that Gen would let him take the kids to Austin. "Maybe Jen should be the one moving in. Hell, something else he hadn't thought of, how was he so stupid?” He kept spinning his head without knowing how long until he noticed the weight change in the bed and the cold in his back. 

“Jen?”

The bathroom door slamming shut was his only answer. He leaned back against the mattress, covering his eyes with his forearm. 

“Can you be more of an idiot, Padaleki?” He walked to the closed door, tried to open it, but it was useless. 

“Jen, please...” He prayed with a tired tone while leaning his forehead against the surface of the door. 

“Jared, it's all right. I'm just going to take a shower, it's getting late.” Then he hear the water running inside. 

Minutes later the door opened. Jensen appeared still wet, with a towel tied around his waist and a frown. Jared stood in his way, forcing him to look at him. 

“Forgive me, okay? This is all a mess. I..., I'm sorry... It's a good idea, I'm going to think about it, okay?” Jared looked at him beggingly but the other one didn't change his expression. 

“All right. It's none of my business. Go take a shower. We have to go.” He took a step aside, dodging his friend's giant body, away from him. 

“Jen...” Jared was quicker to hold him. Jensen was exasperated and Jared's inquisitive gaze helped nothing.

“What?! What do you want me to say, Jay? You don't said me anything, you don't tell me anything, we don't talk about anything... Do you really want this, Jay?” His eyes were full of bitterness. Jared may have been intimidated, but he recovered quickly. 

“Of course I want this! What makes you think I don't?,” he asked annoyedly. 

“Oh! I don't know... What could it be?.” Fake a thoughtful gesture. “One month Jay! All the time of the shooting and you haven't said anything to your wife. And I'm sure you hadn't even thought about what I proposed. Do you ever think about us, Jay?,” with an abrupt gesture shakes off from Jared's grip. “Do you have any plans? Or do you just think about having a good weekend?”

“What are you saying? Jen, please...” Jared didn't know what to say, he felt that everything was getting out of hand, until a while ago everything was fine and now.... 

“If so, just tell me.” Jensen's strong and demanding voice took him out of his thoughts. 

“Tell you what?” 

“You just want to hang out. Sex and drinks, without commitment...” Jensen tried to look carefree, but his inside was torn painfully. “Maybe that's what I need too, without all this shit," he said, waving his hand over the space between the two of them. “Besides... let's face it, that ass of yours has a good fuck!”

Jared raised his arms with open palms, stopping the accusations of Jensen who looked at him expectantly waiting for his answer. He opened his mouth to say something, but fell silent, biting his lip and shaking his head. Without further ado, he turned around and went into the bathroom. 

Jensen watched as the door closed and when he did, he turned around dragging with his arm all the objects that were on the dresser of the room, throwing them in all directions. 

“Fuck!,” he shouted in frustration. 

By the time Jared got out of the bathroom, Jensen was gone. 

Jensen avoided him as much as possible for the rest of the day. Jared could see the anguish in his eyes despite the forced smiles before the press and fans, he was a great actor, but he could see far beyond. He could guess the tension in his shoulders, his muddy back and his jaw continuously clenched and he felt really bad because he knew Jensen was partly right. 

Of course, not that he only wanted him to spend weekends, he had been deeply hurt by that accusation. He loved him, he felt complete at his side, he wanted a life with him. But it was true, he was not doing anything about it, he was letting time go by without knowing what to do and now he was beginning to realize that it could be a dangerous option. But God, really didn't know how to do it. 

The day passed and it was time to pick up. Jared was in his room finishing his suitcase while he was winding his brains looking for a way to get close to Jensen, he didn't want to separate from him angry, he had to make him understand that it was much more for him. The door rang and he threw a prayer into the air. The gods must have been on his side because when he opened the door Jensen was there. 

Jensen was standing there, with a worried gesture and the same anguished look that he had seen him wear all day. He looked at the ground with his shoulders sunken without saying a word. 

“Jen...” The green eyes rose watery before his interlocutor. 

“I'm sorry...,” he muttered at the door, "I'm sorry....” 

Jared grabbed his shoulder, pulling it towards his arms, holding him tightly between them as he closed the door behind his back. 

“Damm, Jen..." he replied in relief as he kissed the short, blonde hair. 

“I don't know what happened to me..., I didn't mean that...” Jensen seemed desperate, clinging tightly to his partner's back. “You know that I..., I... you...” 

“Shhhhh..., I know..., I know..., Relax, I'm sorry too. It's my fault, it's all my fault. But I'm going to fix it, I'm going to fix it, I swear.” 

They kissed. A salty kiss by the tears that ran down their cheeks but that calmed and comforted them, a kiss that gave them hope before the new farewell, a kiss that spoke to them of the next reunion, perhaps the definitive one. And all that made it a good kiss.


	19. Painful Truths

Chapter 19: Painful Truths

 

Jensen thanked internally that the house was empty on his return from the weekend. His mother had decided to take JJ to the zoo and then they would go visit Mac, which would give him until dinnertime to recover from the trip and put some order in his mishandled head. 

He dropped tired on the sofa, closing his eyes. The weekend had been full of sensations and all very different. Now analyzing them all, Jensen came to the conclusion that, despite the positive aspect of having Jared back by his side, it had been too hard and emotionally exhausting for him. Although he tried so hard to avoid it, he couldn't help but think that Jared wasn't as committed to his relationship as he said. 

Thinking all this hurt him, it left him exhausted and without strength, he wanted to be positive, to focus on how good he felt when they were together, in those moments, seeing Jared by his side, he was sure of everything. But the goodbyes came and everything was broken again, he was broken and they argued, as had happened again. He moaned in disgust at what he had said to Jared, God knows he didn't want to do it, but sometimes he couldn't help thinking about it, he was so scared, he felt so insecure. How long was Jared going to take to fix his situation? Was he really going to do it? Why had he let himself be dragged into this? Was Chris right? 

\-------------- A few weeks earlier -----------

The table was set, the roast in the oven gave off a delicious aroma that made his guts growl as he finished cutting the tomatoes for the salad he was preparing. He had just finished dressing it and was taking it to the table when the doorbell rang, with a smile, removed the apron he was wearing and left it on the kitchen counter before going to open. 

On the other side he found bright green eyes very similar to his and a warm smile, all inside his sister's familiar face. Behind her, a tall, dark, olive-colored boy who seemed a little shy, remembered, Kirck..., Dick..., Rick! That, Rick, his sister's new boyfriend. He sighed a relieved sigh, it was no plan to screw it up. 

“Mac...” He greeted her with a wide smile. 

“Jen... Good to see you, little brother!,” she replied, already hanging from his neck. He held her between his arms, lifting her from the ground until she protested offensively and returned her to the ground with laughter. 

“Jen, this is...” 

“Rick, right?” He shook the boy's hand as he nodded. His sister gave him a smile and an approving look. “I must thank you for your help with the move, although I suppose my little sister left you no choice, didn't she?,” he winked. The boy looked at the ground in shame and he got a slap on the shoulder from his sister. “Come on in, it's almost all ready.”

They both went straight into the kitchen, sitting on the bar stools and accepting the glasses Jensen offered them, which he now filled with a ruby-red, intense and heavy Gran Reserva wine with a velvety aroma. His sister looked at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“Wine? It's been a long time since you drank wine.” Jensen scratched his neck before making a carefree gesture. 

“There's a roast for dinner and we're celebrating. The wine is adequate. For every answer his sister's eyebrow was raised again. Shameless child. 

They talked for a while as he finalized some dinner details. The doorbell interrupted when Rick told him about his work as a graphic designer. Apologizing, he walked back to the door. 

“Jenny-boy!.” Some bear arms wrapped him before giving him time to react. 

“Don't call me that," he protested with laughter, hugging his friend back. His eyes crossed Steve's blues and he looked at them with a quiet smile. 

“We're bringing dessert," he said, picking up a packet of pastries in his hand as he walked past the two of them into the house. 

Chris let go and tossed his hair with his hand before going inside laughing at his annoying face as he put his hair back on. Jensen followed his friends who were already arriving in the kitchen where the others were waiting. He stopped in his tracks when Chris turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“Wine?” Steve was also looking at him, behind him he could see his sister's mocking smile and Rick's puzzled face as he ignored what everyone seemed to know. 

He extended his hands in a gesture of, "What?", and looked at them with a face of annoyance. Ok, to his sister with a little hate as well. 

“Wine! Yes, wine! What’s up? There's a roast for dinner.” he passed in a flash in front of them and he took the tray out of the oven to put it on the counter. 

“Easy, easy, it's all right. The wine is great," said Chris with a wide smile as he drank a glass, raised it as a toast and drank. Jensen relaxed a bit, though he felt his friend's scrutinizing look on his back. 

A little more relaxed, everyone sat down at the table ready to enjoy the wonderful dinner Jensen had prepared, he didn't do it very often, but Jensen was an exceptional cook and his friends knew it so they had been wanting to start for a while. Once the meal was served Jensen wanted to make a toast before starting. 

“Well, I invited you to this dinner, apart from seeing you and enjoying your company, although I'm sure I'll regret it later,” he laugth and the others made protest sounds, “it's okay, it's okay..., I want to thank you for your help, for finding my apartment, for moving me and for supporting me in these moments that I've been through that have been really hard and in which, really, your help has been very important.”

“You have nothing to be thankful for, dude," said Steve, "although dinner is welcome.” His eyes lit up with a smile. Jensen looked at him gratefully. 

“Well... I just wanted to tell you. Come on, it's getting cold," he sat down, the others rushed to taste his dishes. “Ah, Mac," he said again, "JJ loves the room, thank you.” 

“Oh, don't give them to me. It was Christian who set it up.” Jensen turned in astonishment to look at his friend who had suddenly closed himself on his plate with a low gaze, the tip of his ears red and eating as if someone were going to take it away. Steve looked at him chuckling. 

Jensen didn't want to, he really didn't want to, but he couldn't help it, the laughter escaped from his chest without control until the frown and murderous look of his friend calmed him down. 

“What the hell is going on?,” he grunted with his mouth still full. “She's my niece. Besides, I took her to see Frozen and she told me that it was always going to be her favorite movie.”

This latter said it very quickly and very low. Everyone looked at him in amazement and then they laughed. 

“Assholes...” he mumbled between his teeth, and he continued to eat, ignoring the others for a while. 

After the "room" moment, dinner went nicely between different topics, details of the custody resolution, Chris and Steve's new tour, the shooting, and the doctorate Mac was preparing. After lunch they went to the living room for a few drinks and continued the conversation there. Around eleven o'clock Mac and her boyfriend announced that it was time to retire. 

A brief farewell and promises to see each other soon. Jensen walked them to the door and returned to the living room with three beers in his hand. He gave one to each of his friends who were waiting together on the sofa and he gave his friend a drink before sitting on the couch in front of them. When he looked up he found the scrutineer staring at him. 

“Do you have something to tell us, Jenny-boy?” Christian asked directly. Jensen put on his best poker face. 

“No, nothing.”

Christian nodded as he drank from his bottle, staring at the blond who was beginning to get nervous. 

“Sure? Jen, you know we're your friends.! It was Steve now who was talking, looking at him sweetly, he had always been amazed at the tranquillity conveyed by his friend's blue eyes. 

“Of course, why should anything happen? The divorce is already arranged, the girl is with me. It's all right," Jensen smiled, but his friends couldn't help but notice the slight tension in his face. 

“Wine!,” said Christian, raising his voice a little, Steve put his hand on his arm in a calm gesture, the other lowered his voice again. “Wine, Jensen. How long has it been since you've had wine?” 

Jensen looked down like a child caught at fault but still defended himself. 

“What’s wrong with the wine? A long time ago, but... Fuck! I felt like it, we were celebrating. The wine is fine.”

“Six years! That's how long it's been, Jen. Six years...” Jensen lamented at this moment how well his friend knew him. “Are you going to tell us what happened or not?”

Jensen looked at him indecisive and lowered his head as he saw the storm form in the blue sea in his friend's eyes. The tremor reached his hands and he had to hold them to hide it. 

“Fuck!” Christian shouted as he jumped up from the sofa and walked around the living room like a caged lion. “I fucking knew it! You idiot! What the fuck were you thinking?.” Jensen shrank in his armchair without being able to face his friend. 

“Chris,” Steve warned. Kane turned to look at his partner with an angry gesture. 

“Don't call me Chris... Chris nothing! Don't you care about Jensen? You were there, damn it!” 

Christian kept screaming and moving. Steve looked at him with a calm expression, although his gaze became harder. Jensen watched them silently, nervously, but he also started to feel annoyed with his friend's attitude. 

“Chris," said Steve again in a more serious tone, now connecting his gaze with that of his partner who seemed to shrink a bit, "of course I care about Jensen, you know that. These aren't manners Chris, sit down and let him tell us, man.” 

Christian thought about it, he got mad at himself because he didn't understand how Steve always got him to do what he asked, he had always had that power over him, yet he wasn't going to give up at all. 

“Fucking idiot, what's he thinking? As if he hadn't had enough!” 

Kane walked grumbling to the sofa ready to sit down and listen to his idiot friend, Steve watched him approach with a smile, satisfied that at last they could speak civilly. But then Jensen screwed up. The blond man's discomfort with his friend had increased dangerously and was now beginning to show. 

“What's your problem, dude? You're not my father, you know? Believe it or not?” 

Steve groaned in disgust and covered his eyes with his hand. Christian stopped in his tracks in front of the sofa and in less than one heartbeat gives way to another, he turned around throwing himself against the blond who was stuck to the back of his armchair. Kane held him by the collar of his shirt and shouted furiously at his face. 

“Son of a bitch! Of course I'm not your father, I wish I were, so maybe I could give you the beating you deserve. But no, I'm just your friend's asshole, the one who had to see you sink into shit for Jared's asshole, the one who drove five hundred kilometres at three in the morning, scared to death because I didn't know what you were capable of when you called me drunk saying you didn't want to live. I'm the one who picked up your pieces, Jensen!”

“Let me go!”

He was furious because it had made him remember what he had become on that occasion, when he felt that his life was no longer worth anything if it wasn't with Jared, when he became self-convinced that there must be something wrong with him and that it was his fault that Jarde left. 

“Now it's different, I can control it.” He walked away from Chris and stood behind the back of the couch. 

“Seriously, can you?” Kane looked at him skeptically. Steve decided it was time to intervene, it wasn't on the right track at all. He got up and advanced towards them. 

“Guys...” He asked, but this time Chris wasn't willing to let it go. He turned to look at his companion and stopped him with one hand on his chest. 

“Not now, Steve.” The harshness in his partner's gaze surprised him. Kane turned to Jensen again. “Really, I want to know, can you? Like the last time?” 

Jensen looked at him with furious eyes, his jaw clenched and his lips forming a thin line. 

“You're a bastard," he muttered, "that's not going to happen again," he said angrily. 

Steve was getting really nervous. “Guys, please... listen to me, let's sit down.” 

“Shut up, Steve!” they shouted in unison. Chris' blue eyes penetrated mercilessly into Jensen's green. 

“You don't even remember, do you?” his disdainful voice. Jensen shivered under his gaze and struggled to swallow the knot that now pierced his throat. 

“I know what happened...” He managed to answer at last, although his voice had lost the strength of the beginning. He tried to keep the look on his friend's face, who was now nodding slowly. 

“You know what happened..., of course.” Jensen could see his friend's face reddening as his gaze grew colder. “Because they told you, of course.”

Jensen had to lower his gaze, he didn't want to remember that, well, really as Chris said he didn't remember it. Only the things he had been told when he woke up in that hospital room, when after a long time he decided to give in to weakness and thought it would be easier if he closed his eyes once and for all. 

He lifted his eyes and was paralyzed when he saw the tears running down his Christian's cheeks. 

“Fuck you both!” Steve's voice sounded behind his back, the blonde looked at them angry. “What are you doing? Fuck!” He shook his head and went back to the sofa where he sat with his arms folded and an angry expression. They both looked at him in surprise, but this gesture seemed to be worth it in order to reduce the tension a little. 

Jensen looked at his friend again, it was thanks to him that he was still here. If he put himself in his place, he could understand his suspicion, he too would want to keep Jared as far away as possible. But fate seemed to want to mock both of them and make them face the past again. With a tired sigh he approached him, placing his hand on the back of his neck with an affectionate squeeze as he stroked his neck with his thumb. 

“I'm sorry...” he whisper, trying to make his friend understand everything he wanted to say. 

“I don't want to have to do that again Jen..., I can't see you bad, you're my best friend...” Christian's voice became softer, almost begging. Jensen held his friend's wrists and looked at him intensely. 

“I'm sorry Chris, I'm sorry I said that. But I can't help it and I don't think I want to either.” His eyes glowed wet asking his friend to understand him. 

Kane offered him a sad smile, after releasing him he dropped heavily on the sofa next to Steve who placed his hand on his thigh squeezing it affectionately. 

“All right, talk. But bring more beer, it's going to be the only way I'm going to be able to swallow this.” 

Jensen smiled fondly at his friend before going to the kitchen and fulfilling his order. He came back with a six-pack and after everyone had their drink, he started talking. He told them everything that had happened with Jared, since the reunion at the convention, how he had felt seeing him. His first attitude of rejection, the beginning of the shooting, how everything had developed, Jared's explanations and how things were now. 

His friends watched him attentively and silently, without interrupting him in any way. When he finished, Jensen felt better, relieved to share the burden he had carried over the past few months. Although he knew that the news was not well received by his friends, he also hoped for their support. 

“And that's it...,” he concluded. 

His friends looked at each other in mute conversation. Steve took the floor, mostly to give Chris time to assimilate the news and not to rant again like a possessed man. 

“And you, how do you feel? Are you okay with this?” he asked calmly. Jensen smiled with a strange grin as he scratched his neck in a nervous gesture. 

“Well, this is all complicated, Jared's situation...” Chris cursed something underneath, shut up by the pressure of Steve's fingers on his thigh. Jensen was still talking, “it'll take a while to sort it out, but I'm..., I'm fine with that,” he was trying to seem carefree but his voice gave him away. “I love him, Steve.” 

Chris laughed mockingly and Jensen looked at him angry. 

“You know I love him Chris, you know I've never stopped.” 

“Of course I know Jenny, I know very well. What I'm not so sure about is how much he loves you. Will it be as much or more than the last time?” Jensen looked at him in pain and he was sorry, he was very sorry, but he had to open his eyes. “Everything he loved you wasn't enough for him when he decided to leave you Jen.” 

“We were younger! He was frightened, our profession is difficult for these issues...” Jensen tried to justify him. 

“He betrayed you, Jen. He slept with another, in YOUR bed, waiting for you to come and see him. I'm sorry to say, but that's not how things are done, no matter how scared you are...”

Chris stopped for a moment to look at him, Jensen rubbed his hands and looked at him with a certain anguish in his eyes.

“Jen..., now this woman is his wife, they have two children, what makes you think he's going to have the courage he didn't have then? Without burdens, when only the two of you were there.” 

“Chris, we love each other. He hasn't been well with Gen for a long time. Yes, there are children of course... but there are options. Look at me with JJ.” He was looking at Chris hopefully, his friend breathed a long sigh. 

“I'm sorry, but I don't believe him, Jen. I can't believe him. You want to know my opinion?” 

“I don't think so," muttered the other with a forced smile. 

“I'll give it to you anyway. I think he's been doing very well all this time in his wonderful family life. How much have you talked to him in this time? I think he saw you at Con and remembered the good times he had with you and said... why not? Jenny has a good shag and we're going to spend a lot of time together, it'll be fun. And there you are again melting for his bones and giving him what he wants while he gives you the runaround with his family's excuse. This is going to be like this, listen to me my friend, he is not going to change his life for you. I'm sorry to hurt you, but that's what I think, I don't want you to tell me later that I didn't tell you.” 

“Don't say that...,” he protested. Chris stared at him and reaffirmed his theory. “This time it'll be different..., I know..., I know he loves me. I feel it when we're together. Fuck Chris! Can't you just be a little happy for me?”

“I hope you're right, Jenny. For your sake, I hope so.”

Jensen gave him a little smile that the other one returned with sadness. For a while they remained silent until Kane broke the silence again. 

“Jen.” Jensen looked up at his friend. “I'll always be there, for whatever you need. But if he hurts you again..., before picking up your pieces I swear I'll kill him, not before torturing him in the cruelest ways I can think of.” 

Jensen looked at him affectionately. Yes, he knew that his friend would always be there and support him despite his disagreement and loved him for it. He lifted his beer and bowed it as a toast, the others reciprocated in the same way. There was no more to say about it, just wait.


	20. Tightening the rope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> First of all I wanted to thank all of you who have read this far, thank you very much for giving my story a chance. I hope you like it. 
> 
> About the chapter title:  
> I really don't know if it makes sense in English. I've been looking for a suitable translation but I haven't found anything that I thought was suitable, so I've translated it literally from Spanish. The expression is "Tensando la cuerda" and it means that you are lengthening a situation beyond the reasonable and that this can lead to a consequence that is surely not pleasant.
> 
> If you know of a more suitable translation, please don't hesitate to let me know. Thank you.

Chapter 20: Tightening the rope

 

Sitting in the dark, with the only illumination provided by the reflection of the TV screen to which he did not pay the slightest attention, Jared nervously watched the screen of his mobile, as if just by concentrating enough on it, he could make it illuminate announcing the desired message. 

It must have been around two o'clock in the morning, he had sent four messages to Jensen that night and had not yet received a reply. Internally he suspected that, again, it was not going to arrive. He rubbed his face with his hands, was tired and sleepy, but still decided to wait fifteen more minutes just in case. 

The fifteen minutes became half an hour, until he finally became convinced that the damn thing would not ring that night. The insecurity settled back into his chest, something that had happened too often lately. He turned off the TV and dragged his feet to his room. With the greatest possible care he climbed into the bed curled up on himself and looked out of the window at the serene sky covered with stars, trying to calm himself so that he could sleep. 

The little body that slept in his bed turned, sticking to his back and surrounding his waist. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he noticed the kisses on his shoulder. Apparently he had not been careful enough. Gen continued to kiss him, sliding one hand down his chest slowly down into his belly. Carefully he linked his fingers with hers, stopping the advance. 

“Gen, it's late...,” he said in a tired voice. She stood up, passing one leg over Jared's hips, making him lie on his back and straddling him. Genevieve slid her hands seductively across the wide chest of her husband who looked everywhere but at her, which she tried to ignore. 

She bowed to kiss him, licking and biting his lips. 

“Gen...,” he protested again, trying to gently push her away. 

“A long time ago Jay," she complained, "how often do we do it? It's not normal, we're young, we'd have to do it almost every day, not once a month, if it came to that.” 

“I'm sorry," he said, "I'm stressed....” He looked at his wife with pleading eyes, trying to convince her. Her eyes expressed doubt and also sorrow. He closed it not to see her, in his mind now there was only Jensen and his lack of response. A month and a half since the last time they saw each other and there were still ten days left to do it again. Or that was the plan, a plan that he had not yet been able to specify with Jensen because he did not answer. 

He jumped when he felt a tug in his lower belly that made him return to reality by opening his eyes. Gen smiled when saw him, her hips moved in a rotating way over his and his body as always reacted on its own. She leaned back to kiss him, penetrating with her tongue into his mouth, looking for him and inviting him. He brought his hands to her face and pushed her away in confusion. 

“Let me help you, Jay," she asked while rubbing her body with his at a gentle, torturing pace. Jared struggled between his feelings and the need for his body. She was there and Jensen..., damn it! Why didn't Jensen answer him? Deep down he knew why, God, he was frustrated and insecure and needed...

He's up. He sat up suddenly and with his wife's face still in his hands he kissed her furiously. His mouth opened, covering hers anxiously. She surrounded his neck holding on to him, as Jared's huge hands closed poseively on her buttocks. She smiled between his lips as he closed his eyes imagining another person in his arms. 

*******

The alarm sounded like every day at half past six. Jensen grunted with annoyance before turning his head on the pillow in the direction of the source of the sound and stretching his arm heavily to get to turn off the device. With a sigh, he closed his eyes again, he only needed five more minutes. 

When his brain, again, began to be operative, he extended again the arm to reach the mobile that was loaded in the base on his bedside table. Last night he had listened to the messages, but he was tired, having just seen a movie that was quite interesting and sure that, if he started to answer, he would lose the thread and also hours of sleep because those conversations were always prolonged and in truth, he did not feel like talking. 

He unlocked the screen and opened the inbox with a glance. As he assumed, they were all Jared's. 

"Hello... ☺" - said the first one.   
"What are you doing? I miss you..."   
"Hey! Come on Jen..., you don't love me or what? ☺"   
“Jen, please. What's the matter with you? I'm going to wait for you for a while longer, okay? I'm here, tell me something. I love you.” 

He threw the mobile aside between the sheets and covered his eyes with his forearm exhaling a long sigh. He felt disgusted, he surprised himself at the apathy with which he was lately dealing with any subject related to Jared. He thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion that he was tired, disillusioned, the faith and confidence of a year ago had been lost in every farewell, in every excuse, in every promise of "just a little more," of "soon we'll be together for real”. 

He began to feel that he was wasting his time, that what Chris had told him more than a year ago was true. Now he was beginning to see it, he was beginning to believe it, he was not going to leave his family, maybe not so much for Gen, but for his children. He sat up at the edge of the bed, rubbing his eyes with tiredness. He shook his head away from those thoughts, he hadn't seen him for a long time, that's why he was like this. He always felt insecure in those periods, but in ten days they would be together again and everything would be fine. Maybe there was even good news. He convinced himself on the way to the shower. 

That night he sent the first message. 

"Hey" he had to wait about ten minutes before getting the answer. 

"Hey, were have you been?” He couldn't avoid the smile, it was always the same. 

"Can we talk?.” The truth is that he wanted to hear his voice, the messages always seemed cold and sometimes it was difficult to interpret the tone of any response. 

"Give me ten minutes..., I'm going to get the dogs out.” 

"Ok, I’ll wait for you” 

Always the same... always on the sly... No, no, no... He scolded himself. 

Ten minutes later his mobile screen lit up with Jared's image and he couldn't help but smile. 

“Hello!”, he greeted more animatedly. 

“Hey, babe! There's no one to catch you. Last night I waited for you until almost three o'clock.”

“I'm sorry," he babbled, "I was tired... I fell asleep”. 

“Well, it doesn't matter. I miss you, you know?” 

“Yes..., I missed you, too... A lot...” For a moment the two of them were silent. 

“Hey Jen...” Jared’s voice was shy. “About the cabin... is it still standing?”

Jensen was surprised by the question. 

“Yes, of course, why?”

“I don't know... lately we've been talking less...” 

Jensen knew that he meant that lately he wasn't answering all his messages.

“Don't mind me..., I just wanted to confirm," concluded Jared. 

“No, sorry, you're right. It's just that I get very tired at night, work, the girl, sometimes I fall asleep as I sit,” he apologized, “but of course it's still standing. I can't wait to see you.” 

Jared smiled big as continued his walk through the park. 

“Me too.”

“How's it going, Jay?” He didn't want to ask, but he couldn't help it. Silence was on the other side of the line, he could almost see the tense expression on his lover's face. 

“Jen... me... Tom is having some problems at school, his tutor says he needs a speech therapist. I have...” 

“Stop it” He cut him off. 

“Jen...” 

“Forget it Jay, it doesn't matter. Take care of it.” He couldn't avoid the bitter, dry tone. 

“I'll make it up to you, I promise...” 

“Yes, I know. Hey..., I'm sorry, I have to prepare things for tomorrow. We'll talk, okay?” 

“Jen, wait!” 

“Bye Jay, see you at the lake.” 

He cut off the call and dropped himself on the pillow, resisting the urge to smash something against the wall. 

Jared watched as the light from his cell phone faded as he ended the call feeling terribly bad. He walked for a while by inertia until he reached a bench where he decided to sit down in spite of the cold that was already noticeable at those hours of the night. Her dogs approached and sat beside him, snouting his legs and drawing his attention knowing that something was not right with their owner. 

Jared gave them a sad smile and stroked them both on their huge heads. “I'm fucking it up, guys," he told them, bending down at the height of their heads. The animals raised their muzzles licking his face for comfort. “Thank goodness I have you.” 

He couldn't fool himself, Jensen was getting tired and he couldn't complain because Jensen was right. How much longer was he going to hold out? He bit his lip, holding on to the tears he felt swirling in his throat. What would he do if Jen left him?

He looked at his cell phone again and breathed a couple of times before dialing. He had to wait five tones before they picked up the other side. 

“Magic Chad speaking!” The jovial voice of his friend made him smile again. 

“Hey, it's me.” He tried to look animated but his tone didn't correspond to the intention. 

“Jaybird, what's up, buddie? You sound like you've been hit by a truck.”

Chad stopped the video game he was playing and got up on the couch, paying attention to his friend. 

“Almost,” his tone had definitely gone to shit, anyway with him he didn't need to disguise. “I'm fucked, dude” 

“Wait, wait, wait... I think that this is not to talk about on the phone. Where are you?” 

“At Griffith Park, behind the observatory," he said, glancing around. “Where's the kiosk.” 

“OK. Don't move from there. I'll be there in twenty minutes.” 

He heard his friend moving, picking things up and breathing sometimes with difficulty. It didn't take him long to imagine him getting dressed as he talked to him. 

“I'm coming out.” And all he heard was a knock on a door before the call was cut off. 

“Thank you, buddie," he said with a smile even though his friend could no longer hear him. 

Twenty minutes later he saw him appear at a brisk pace with a huge smile on his lips and a bag hanging down. Once at his height, he hit him on the shoulder as a greeting, sat next to him on the back of the bench and took out of the bag a beer for each one. 

“Now, Padalecki! We are ready... Get out!” he exclaimed as he tilted his bottle as a toast and then gave him a long drink. 

Jared couldn't help laughing, his friend was crazy, even if he looked at it, it wasn't a novelty. 

“Do you think I have all night? I've left a half-game, you know? And I was winning.” 

Chad looked at him with a serious gesture, but when Jared looked up and crossed his eyes with him, the blonde winked at him like a jest. 

“It's about Jen," he said quietly. 

“Jen? What Jen?” His friend didn't seem to have caught it. 

“Jensen! The lifelong Jensen”

“Oh!" he said in surprise. “Is he all right? Didn't something happen to him? I haven't heard from him in a long time, well... some news of those that appear on TV. He was divorced or something, wasn't he?”

Chad followed his boring speech with a frown trying to remember more things and not paying attention to Jared's exasperated gesture. 

“Chad!,” he shouted. The other flinched on his seat, staring at him without understanding. 

“Jensen and I have been together... for about a year.” 

“What?! Again?.” The boy stood up like a spring, standing in front of his friend. “But you broke it off... You left him!” He walked from side to side along the bench, scratching his thoughtful head. “But you're here, does he live here? No, no, he lives in Texas, it was on the news when the divorce happened.” 

“Chad...” Jared was trying to get his attention, but he was following his own. 

“You're still at home, of course you're still at home, fifteen days ago I had dinner there with you....” 

“Chad...”

“... with Gen, with the children...” Chad suddenly stopped and turned to face his friend, looking at him inquisitively. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, JAY?,” he shouted between his teeth, looking quickly to the sides as if he feared someone would discover them and blow the lid off that he now saw was his friend's life. 

Jared bowed his head. Chad could see the dejection on his friend's shoulders, his look sad and tired. 

“Why didn't you say anything to me before?” He had sat back next to Jared, and now he was squeezing his knee tenderly. Jared shrugged because he really didn't know what to answer. 

“All right, it's okay, I'm not going to get angry because you didn't trust me....” 

“Chad, please...”

“Ok, I wasn't serious, man.” He apologized with a smile. “Come on, tell me.” 

Jared, like Jensen had done with Chris a long time ago, told his friend everything, everything that had happened during that last year and the fear that now assailed him, the fear that Jensen would get tired of waiting. His friend listened patiently and opened two more beers when Jared finished talking. They drank them quietly and it wasn't until after opening the next one that Chad said anything. 

“It would be his right, Jay, this can't last like this forever," he said more seriously than Jared had ever heard him say. 

“I know," he muttered, "but I don't know what to do....” 

“What about Gen?”

Jared sighed. “Gen is not the problem, I think.”

He continued to look at the dogs playing a few metres away, distracted, knowing that their owner already had someone to pay attention to him.

“I'm fond of her, of course I don't want to hurt her, although I suppose it's inevitable.” 

“Do you love Jensen?” he asked without looking away from his friend, studying every gesture of his expression. Jared's eyes lit up and a small smile appeared on his lips. 

“Yes," he said emphatically, "I always loved him, you know? I was stupid....” 

“So...”

Jared was quiet again for a while and then turned his head to look at his friend. 

“What will happen to the children? What if I lose them, if Gen won't let me see them? How can they accept that their father is with another man?” 

“You don't know what's going to happen Jay and you can't base your life or your happiness on assumptions. What if Jen leaves you?” 

Jared's eyes opened exaggeratedly and his face lost some of its color. 

“You're fucked, my friend...,” said Chad before giving his beer a new drink. 

-Yes, I am.


	21. Four days

Chapter 21: Four Days

The SUV that Jared had rented that morning climbed the steep dirt road without difficulty, almost completely covered by the shadow of the high treetops that grew around it. Jared enjoyed the beauty of the landscape absently on his way to the cabin Jensen had rented for them. 

He had left the last stretch of asphalt about fifteen minutes ago and was supposed to be close to the end. A couple of curves later, the cabin appeared before him. He parked in front of the porch and came down with a big smile. He was alone, Jensen would not arrive until lunchtime as he had to postpone his flight due to an unforeseen event in the shooting that was now in his hands, so they decided that he would go ahead and reconnoiter the terrain. 

He turned around and took a general look, the place was beautiful, he had to ask Jensen how he had done it. The cabin was not very big, made of red oak wood and a black slate roof. Above it stood a stone chimney and he could deduce that the flue would be too and that it would be seen from the back of the cabin as it used to be typical in those constructions. The window frames, as well as the railing of the large porch that had a swing and a pair of wicker armchairs, were painted white. 

A few metres to his left was a path on wooden planks worn by use, which ended in a jetty where Jared seemed to see a motorboat moored. The place where he was was a small esplanade of grass which extended a few meters around the house, otherwise, were surrounded entirely and absolutely by trees. 

With a smile, he climbed the steps to the entrance, opened the door and was speechless. The cabin was decorated in a rustic but elegant way taking care of every detail. The main piece of the living room was the huge stone fireplace, as he had deduced the flue was visible and also from the same polished surface. In front of it a huge white leather sofa with two armchairs on the sides, in between, a soft carpet. 

To his right and under the largest window of the room, a robust table also of wood, with four matching chairs, the seats obviously upholstered in the same white of the sofa. The rest of the walls were clad in shelves full of books and small ornaments, as well as a sideboard close to the table. The kitchen was small but well stocked and Jared had also noticed that there was a barbecue outside. 

The next largest space the house after the living room was the bedroom. A huge bed that Jared was already looking forward to trying out, two wrought iron bedside tables, a chest of drawers and a fairly large built-in wardrobe. The bathroom which was accessed directly from the room had a bathtub as well as the bed, extra large. 

Satisfied with everything, he went back to the car to pick up his suitcase. He put everything in the closet, took a quick shower and got comfortable. He didn't know the exact time Jensen would arrive, so he made a pasta salad and if he was very hungry they could make some eggs or something later. With the tasks done, he looked through the books on the shelf for something that would catch his attention, when he got it, he dropped on the sofa ready to wait. 

Jensen stopped his car next to Jared's SUV. As he removed the contact, he let out a long, tired sigh. He had to work very late the night before and very early this morning to be able to escape and take the flight at noon, otherwise he would have had to wait until ten o'clock at night and they would have missed a whole day and that's not true, they only had four and he wasn't going to miss one. 

He got out of the car stretching and yawning like a newly awakened cat. He glanced around still with his arms up and let out a smile. Of course his little sister was not mistaken, the place was perfect. He took out his bag and walked inside in search of Jared, he was surprised he hadn't come out when he heard the car. 

He came in and as had happened to Jared, he could not help but admire the interior, but his eyes soon found something to look at, something that was of far greater interest to him. On one of the armrests of the sofa he could see Jared's bare feet, crossed in a relaxed pose, and on the other part of his brown hair scattered, contrasting with the white leather. 

He walked quietly until he peered over the backrest hoping to surprise his companion, but the surprise was his when he found him sound asleep, with an open book resting on his chest. With great care he removed the book from his hands and tenderly accommodated a rebellious lock that fell on his eyes. He watched him for a while, his face calm and relaxed in sleep, his lips half-opened and his hair agitated. He felt good, that's what he wanted for his future, what he wanted for himself. 

He leaned over, depositing a soft kiss on the Jared's forehead, and let him sleep as he put his things together and took a shower to refresh himself. When he returned to the living room, wearing comfortable pajama pants and a T-shirt, Jared was still asleep. His naughty vein poked out at that moment and he thought it would be fun to wake Jared by shaking the moisture in his hair over the sleeping beauty, which hit a visibly startled boat. 

“What?” He sat down all of a sudden, looking everywhere without actually seeing anything, still asleep. 

“Finally awake," he said amusingly, "not that I expected a party, but at least someone to open the door for me.” His tone was still mocking as he continued to stand behind the sofa, his elbows leaning against the backrest, laughing. 

“Jen...” Jared finally found him by his side and looked at him with his eyes still squint. “When did you get here?” Talking was not controlled yet either. 

“A while ago, but I saw you so comfortable that I decided to leave you for a while as I was settling in.” 

Jared scratched his head processing the information. “Uh... thank’s... I’m sorry for the welcome," he replied with a small smile. 

“It's all right.” He leaned forward, placing a little kiss on Jared's lips. “You look lovely in your sleep.” 

“Were you looking at me?,” he asked with a raised eyebrow and a surprised gesture. 

“Is there a problem?” He rebutted after leaving another kiss on that mouth. 

“It's strange..., aren't you one of those with strange phylia?” he said mockingly. Jensen rolled his eyes and couldn't believe what an idiot Jared could be. He slid his fingers combing Jared's hair from his forehead to the nape of his neck, where they closed, drawing the Jared's head towards him. 

“You're weird," he whispered with laughter, finishing the sentence between the lips of the other who was already fully awake. 

They kissed slowly but intensely, sliding their tongues from one cavity to another, tempting and tasting each other, emitting little groans that invited them not to stop. When they finally broke the kiss, the two of them were flushed and with a huge smile on their faces. 

“Come," asked Jared, pulling Jensen's hand. Jensen surrounded the sofa as Jared sat upright on it. He pulled his partner's hand again and straddled him. 

Jensen leaned his forehead against his, concentrating his gaze on the changing eyes of Jared caressing his back languidly. 

“Finally here...” said Jensen. 

“At last...” 

“I needed to see you.” Jensen's hands rested on both sides of Jared's strong neck, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs. “Jay, I'm sorry... sometimes I have doubts, I mean...” Jared looked at him with a bit of a worry. “I'm sorry, sorry if sometimes I don't answer you, okay? I'm cracking up , don't listen to me.” 

Jared kept caressing his back, sliding his hands gently down his spine, opening on his shoulders and down his sides to start over. 

“Don't apologize, you have your reasons, I know it's hard for you. I don't think I deserve you. I need you too Jen..., I need you so much...” 

Jensen silenced him with his lips, he didn't want to hear any more apologies, neither from Jared nor from him, he didn't want to keep thinking about what was going to happen, he just wanted to feel the now, the now with Jared, together for four days, that's what he wanted, that's all that was important. 

Without breaking the kiss, his hands slipped under the fabric of Jared's t-shirt, caressing with an open palm, delighting in the warmth of his skin. Jared groaned complacently against his mouth. The chestnut also longed for more contact and pulling the hem out of Jensen's he managed to pull it out of his head and throw it somewhere in the room. 

His fingers stuck to Jensen’s tanned skin who felt them run from his shoulders, down his ribs to cover his chest, pinching his erect nipples and making him moan with pleasure, squeezing his hip against Jared's confirming that it was as hard as he was.

“Fuck..., Jen...” Jared's hands closed on his buttocks, bringing him closer until Jensen's erection was on his. “Move, come on, babe... move.” 

Jensen listened to him, excited by his lover's haste and need. He rotated his hips quickly, achieving a friction that he could only describe as marvellous. 

Jared closed his eyes, throwing his head back, emitting hoarse and deep groans that encouraged his partner. Jensen slid his tongue down the strong neck exposed before him and then closed his teeth around the prominent Adam’s apple. He felt horny and couldn't believe they were going to come without even touching each other, because he was sure they were going to do it. 

Jared tightened his grip on the buttocks of the eldest and began to move against of Jensen's onslaughts. Both were sweating and breathing hard. Front to front, looking at each other and encouraging each other. Jensen tangled his fingers in Jared's hair and pulled claiming his mouth, the kiss was intense, pure sex expressed through tangled tongues and shared saliva. 

“Come on Jay!” He whimpered in his mouth, "Come on! Together...” 

Jared contacted with his gaze, the grey eyes were clouded, fogged with excitement and desire, spilling over his own and flooding him with the fire that burned within him. Jared nodded as they both increased the intensity and speed of their onslaughts. 

Jensen's fingers closed even tighter on his hair, hurting him, but he didn't care. He noticed Jensen tensing between his hands and looked again for his mouth to catch the hoarse roar of it when his body exploded broken by the orgasm he immediately followed.

“Fuck!” Jensen exclaimed. He felt his whole body trembling like jelly. 

“Yes..., fuck....” Jared replied with a nervous giggle unable to move and with a rapid breath. 

They looked at each other and disaster under their pants and couldn't help but burst into laughter, feeling their bodies relax through them. Jared caressed Jensen's back and gently pushed him inviting him to lie on his chest what the other did not resist. 

“I love you," he said, depositing a tender kiss on Jensen's short hair that closed his eyes wishing to stop time at that very moment.


	22. Just enjoy the moment

Chapter 22: Just Enjoy the Moment

 

Without much enthusiasm they had risen from the sofa, the need for a shower and a change of clothes became imperative at times, although to be honest, the enthusiasm was regained in the shower which took longer than necessary as they were busy finishing what they had started on the sofa. 

All this resulted in them finally eating that pasta salad that Jared had prepared, almost at six o'clock in the afternoon. 

“I don't know about you, but I don't have enought with this.” Jared would scramble the bowl, throwing what was left on his plate. “I'm hungry as a wolf.” Jensen watched him amused. 

“No wonder, with so much energy wasted...,” he said seductively. Jared blushed for a second before laughing. 

“It's your fault Ackles, you provoke me.” 

Jensen's eyes gleamed with satisfaction as he dropped against the back of the chair. He bit his lip as he thought if it would be too soon for a third round. The idea made him laugh before he told himself that they had four days ahead of them, it was not necessary to burn all the ships at once. 

“What are you laughing at?,” Jared asked skeptically, looking at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“It's nothing," he said with a smile. "Can I make you something else? I don't want you to faint from any overexertion," he continued mockingly as he rose from the fridge. 

Jared looked annoyed and made a gesture that implied his middle finger as the main character. Jensen caught his hand in a quick movement. Jared looked at him in surprise, Jensen's eyes contacted his own with a dark glow as he made that finger disappear in his mouth, closing his fleshy lips at his base and slowly climbing up, making his tongue feel over it as it slipped out of his mouth. Jared swallowed dry when the other released him with a smile and went on his way. 

“So, do you want something?,” he said with the refrigerator door open. Jared blinked out of his abstraction. 

“Uh... uff, yes. Yes, anything is fine.” 

Jensen laughed to himself as he pulled out what he needed to make that meal or rather snack something more substantial. 

“Well... What's the plan?.” Jared asked once they had finished eating and picking up the kitchen. 

“It's too late now," said Jensen. "I suppose we can take a walk around the area before dark. There's a motorboat at the pier, tomorrow if you want we can go fishing. The rest of the time... well we'll find something to do, we'll think of something.” 

Jared laughed eagerly as he held him by the waist and drew him towards him. 

“I'm sure we did," he said before he gently kissed each other's lips. 

“Let's go!” Jensen got rid of the other's arms. “If we go on like this, we won't be out of here in four days," he complained amusingly. Jared pouted. 

“Isn't that a better plan?” he asked with his patented puppy eyes. 

“No!" cried Jensen, already inside the room and ready to change to go out, although he had to admit to himself that it was certainly a much better plan. 

Finally, they did not regret the walk, as they had already appreciated when they arrived, the area in which they were was a place of absolute beauty. Jensen had successfully taken his camera and shot, looking through his lens, hoping to faithfully capture in each image the immensity of those trees, the beauty and color of the flowers that grew at their feet, the serenity that transmitted the dark blue with bright orange sparkles from the sunset of the lake water.

And Jared... who took up most of the photos without knowing it. Walking..., with his gaze lost looking through the treetops..., smiling as he located the naughty squirrel that jumped from branch to branch, sitting on a trunk looking at the lake and now turning his head towards him, looking at him with shining eyes, that shining smile and those dimples. Jensen shot a blast before Jarede rose and snatched the camera from him. 

“Aren't you going to be in any of them?,” he asked with laughter, leading it to his face and adjusting the lens as he pointed towards Jensen. The blonde laughed before covering his face with his hands. 

“No! Jay, no. You know I don't like it," he said embarrassed. 

“Come on Jen, I want pictures of you too," he laughed, his hands uncovering his partner's face while he was shooting. 

“I hate you," protested the other, looking at him in awe, but with a smile on his lips.

Jared took a few more pictures before approaching him and giving him a quick kiss. 

“You're lying terribly," he set off again, "we'd better get back, it's getting dark.” 

Jensen followed him and with the last lights they were back in the cabin. 

The next morning they got up early, the fish were not waiting. He had almost had to throw a bucket of cold water on Jared's huge body to get him out of bed, of course Jared had come up with clear ideas of where he wanted to spend most of his time. Jensen laughed at the thought, he couldn't blame him, they had slept rather little. 

A couple of coffees later and managed to drag the two meters of Padalecki, still not very awake, to the boat that in a few minutes took them into the lake where they threw the anchor and prepared the fishing gear. They had been there more than two hours and had not bite a sad fish, thank God they had a full fridge and did not depend on the results to eat because otherwise they would die of hunger. 

Jensen decided that it was time to leave that stupid attempt of "men surviving in nature" to return to the comfort of civilization, even though it was camouflaged in the form of an isolated cabin. He turned to Jared and couldn't help smiling when he was asleep. It was more than funny to see a guy almost two meters long, folded in the seat of the boat, with the cane in his hands and deeply asleep.

Jensen felt compelled to immortalize that moment with his camera, of course that would provide him with material to mock Jared for a long, long time. After that, he decided that it was time to wake up the sleeping beauty and that since it was already hot, the water he had in abundance was a good method. Putting his hand in the water, he splashed it on the sleeper who jumped backwards with a start, provoking the laughter of the older man. 

“You liked the water, didn't you?,” he asked annoyedly. Jensen couldn't stop laughing because of his friend's surprise and annoyance. 

“I'm sorry," he said with laughter, "I'm sorry, you were turning red, standing there in the sun, I thought you needed to refresh yourself.” 

Jared looked at him with a frown as he slowly picked up the cane and rigging and left them on the floor of the boat. Jensen's expression went from amused to somewhat worried at the silence of the youngest. 

“Come on Jay, don't be angry, dude. It was just a joke.” He scolded himself, it hadn't occurred to him to think it would feel so bad. 

“Yes, it's funny to wake up like that," he continued, saying annoyed without taking his eyes off Jensen who now felt intimidated. “Do you know something, Jen?”

“What?” He said something unsure. 

“You look pretty hot, too!,” he shouted while, in a quick movement, he held Jensen's arm and threw himself into the water, dragging him with him. 

Jensen didn't even have time to complain before sinking under the bluish surface of the lake. When he emerged to get some air, he felt strong hands push him down again and so on a couple more times until he could finally breathe calmly. Jared laughed swimming beside him. 

“Are you fresh now, Jenny?,” he asked amusingly. Jensen slapped water on his face. 

“Idiot!” he complained as he pulled his hair back and wiped the water off his face with his hand. Jared watched him do it and Jensen noticed how Jared's expression changed, becoming serious, in a clearly predatory attitude that made him feel a chill running down his back that had nothing to do with the temperature of the water. 

In a few seconds Jared was by his side, devouring his mouth as if it had been years and not hours without doing so. Jensen responded enthusiastically as they tried to stay afloat like that. They came back to eat, without a single fish in the basket, but they didn't care a bit, they wouldn't have wasted their time either. 

In the absence of fish, they had good steaks. They prepared some embers at the barbecue and, honoring the Texan origins of both of them, cooked those beauties at their exact spot with lots of potatoes and some salad to ease Jensen's conscience. 

They were tired, had slept little and early in the morning, the time they had spent swimming and what was not swimming in the lake, added to the succulent food had taken away their desire for anything other than being lying on the sofa. So the plan for the afternoon was movies or finding some interesting games and lots of beer. 

In the end they found a bit of both, zapping they just started The Italian Job, both looked at each other and nodded at the same time with a smile. They had seen it a thousand times, but those Mini-Cooper running at full speed with the money from the robbery and the great cast, deserved to see it one more time. When it was over, and after dinner, Jared found basketball, not that Jensen especially liked it, he was more of a football and baseball player, but he knew Jared loved it, so he didn't say anything when he left it on.

Halfway through the game he was bored, so he decided to spend his time on something else so he got up looking for his computer. 

“Where are you going?” Jared asked curiously, following him with his gaze. 

“I'm not running away," Jensen laughed, "I'm going to download the photos from the camera.”

Five minutes later, he came back with his laptop and SD card, sitting on the carpet and leaning his back on the sofa, with his legs crossed and the computer resting on them. 

Jared went on with the game, watching Jensen's work from time to time, who had already downloaded the card and was now sorting the photos into different folders. He watched curiously as he left all the pictures that came out of them to one side. 

“What are you going to do with those?,” he asked, totally focused on what his partner was doing. Jensen looked at him from below with a smile. 

“I already have a folder for those," he said, looking back at the screen. 

Jared raised a surprised eyebrow, his curiosity was now fully unleashed. Forgetting the match, he slid down the seat until his butt touched the floor on the carpet next to Jensen. 

“Can you show it to me?,” he asked playfully, hitting Jensen's shoulder. 

Jensen hesitated for a moment. He had many photos stored there, photos from now and photos from before. He didn't know what Jared would feel when he saw them, if he would consider him an idiot for having saved them. He wondered if he would have them or if he would have gotten rid of them. He felt a stabbing pain thinking he most likely would have done it. 

“Of course...” he said, not quite sure why. 

Jared turned his body closer to him, his elbow resting on the seat of the sofa next to his neck while Jensen tilted the screen back a little so that both of them could see better. He opened the folder whose name had not gone unnoticed to Jared and put the viewer in slide mode so that they could go by themselves. The first to pass were those taken the day before, some of the last year, photos of the shooting of the special... 

Jared could appreciate, besides the quality of them since Jensen was a great photographer, he could notice himself, in his expression, in the brightness of his eyes, the memories of those moments came back to his mind confirming what he saw. That he was well, that he was well in each and every one of those moments and that all that had only one reason and that was sitting next to him. 

They commented animatedly of each other, remembering moments and anecdotes while the visor continued passing them one by one. Suddenly, the faces shown in the photos changed, the same people but younger. Jared was speechless with his eyes fixed on the screen. Jensen was embarrassed to see the serious expression of the minor. He sighed, sliding his finger over the tactile mouse ready to stop the viewing. Jared's hand closed over his and stopped him. 

Jensen felt his hand over his own, tense. He looked at Jared in a questioning way, but he did not take his eyes off the screen, his eyes shone although he could not define the motif, his jaw looked tight and the same tension of his hand was reflected on his shoulders. The photos passed without Jared changing his position.

Jensen was worried and somewhat uncomfortable, sensations that increased when the projection ended and the last photo that occupied the screen was that selfie of them two in bed with their hands intertwined. 

Jensen gave a sigh unable to look at his companion who still said nothing. Jared's enormous hand was still holding his and he didn't dare remove it. 

“Jay..., I...,” he began. 

“No" interrupted, "don't say anything....” 

His voice sounded drowned, as if it was hard for him to pronounce the words. Jensen ventured to look at him again, watching as Jared's gray eyes moistened at times without moving away from the picture. 

“Jay...” he called again, worried. He raised his free hand to hold Jared's chin and force him to look at him. “Jay...” he prayed again. 

Jared's eyes were reflected in his, allowing him to see a deep sadness. 

“Do you still have it?,” he asked in a whisper. Jensen knew what he meant. 

“Yes...” he also said in a low voice, turning his gaze towards his still joined hands.

Jared uttered a drowned groan that made him look at it again. He wanted to ask him if he kept it too, but the tears that now ran down Jared's face left him speechless. 

“I'm sorry... I'm sorry Jen, I'm so sorry.” Jensen looked at him scared. “For everything, for us. It's all my fault.” 

It didn't take Jensen two seconds to remove the computer from his legs and surround Jared with his free arm, who did the same thing with the arm resting on the sofa. Holding on to each other in the desperation of a castaway to his lifeguard. 

Jared hid his face in his lover's neck as he listened to the soothing words he whispered into his ear, letting himself be wrapped in them, despite what Jensen could said, he knew he was right, that it was all his fault.


	23. Over the edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this story comes to an end. I thank you all for giving it a chance. I apologize for the mistakes, I try to do my best, but my English is still not very good. Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> This is the last chapter and is preceded by an epilogue. Please read the notes at the end.

Chapter 23: Over the edge

 

It's never been so hard for him to open his eyes. He had long noticed the clarity of the room filtering through his eyelids and tried to ignore it. He was tired, though he felt well, calm. The night before he had collapsed. When he saw those pictures..., when he saw the expression of both of them that morning, after Jensen had given him the bracelet, he noticed. He realized how he had thrown away what he had always wanted. 

Jensen had calmed him down, hugged him tightly, letting him vent on his shoulder for a long time, whispering words of support, absolving him of guilt and urging him to forget the mistakes of the past, asking him to focus on the now. At that second chance they had. Thinking about it only made him cry more. Because... Did they really have it? He wanted to say yes, but something inside him wasn't completely convinced. 

Jensen stayed strong, for him, for both of them, until he finally stopped crying and calmed down. Jensen, who until that moment had been caressing his back trying to relax him, separated a little from him, looking into his eyes with a worried expression. Jared was embarrassed that he had lost control in this way and turned his eyes away from his friend's gaze. 

Jensen brought his hands to his face, holding it while drying the moisture from Jared's cheeks with his thumbs. 

“Look at me, Jay," he asked softly. Jared contacted the elder's green eyes and felt the warmth and love they gave off. “That's it all... Don't worry... it's over, okay?” 

And then he kissed him. And Jared got carried away in that kiss, feeling relieved that Jensen still wanted to be with him. The kiss wasn't just that, it became much more and they ended up making love on that fluffy carpet. Sometime during the night, they abandoned it to get to bed, where they continued giving each other kisses and caresses until they fell asleep, lulled in the sound of their names in each other's mouths. 

And now it was time to wake up no matter how much he didn't want to. He opened his eyes carefully, knowing that the rays of the noonday sun that slipped through the crystals would harm him. With a grimace of disgust he turned his head away from the window. The body beside him protested in dreams. With a smile he looked down, Jensen's head rested on his chest and his arm held tightly to his waist. 

Carefully, he covered his lover's back with his arm, sliding a caress with his finger over Jensen's arm, from his elbow to his shoulder, where he let his finger entertain itself in small circles. Abstracted in how well he felt Jensen's heat and weight against his body. 

“Ummphfh," said Jensen, moving a little to accommodate his posture, closing his grip more about Jared's waist and placing one of his legs over his. Jared laughed low, making his chest shake.

“Would you be quiet?" protested Jensen, "youdon’tletmesleep,” or so Jared understood when Jensen was calm and quiet again. 

But Jared didn't want to be calm anymore, so he turned carefully in front of Jensen. Passing his free hand over his hips, bending down to kiss his forehead and then rubbing his nose against his. Jensen opened his eyes with a drowsy expression. In front of him the enormous smile of Jared accompanied by the brightness of his eyes, which now looked golden, which looked at him impatiently. 

Jared watched as Jensen opened his eyes, still disoriented and drowsy. He smiled happily as he saw those little wrinkles forming around them caused by an incipient smile. He looked around the beautiful face of his lover, feeling lucky. 

“Good morning...” He whispered kissing the tip of his nose. 

“Uhmm..." answered Jensen, stretching like a cat and then returning to the same posture. “Good morning... “ He gently kissed Jared's lips. “Very (Kiss), good (Kiss), morning (Kiss).” 

Jared laughed funny. He slid both hands up to his partner's hips and pushed him by making him sit astride on him. The two looked at each other intensely, yet Jared couldn't help but warn. “It's late...”

“Are you in a hurry to go somewhere?” Jensen asked with a raised eyebrow as he drew meaningless pictures with his finger on Jared's chest. 

“None...” Jared confirmed with a mischievous smile as he slid his hands along Jensen's hips, reaching to his lower back and up to his shoulders before forcing him down. He wanted to feel his chest against his, the warmth of his body, his weight and, above all, he wanted to feel those lips that drove him crazy, closing over his own. 

Jensen shared his line of thought, so Jared's wishes were soon satisfied. Their mouths danced to a melody known to both of them as their hands explored as curious as ever, causing sighs and groans on both sides. 

Jared was devouring Jensen's neck when the Stars Wars melody interrupted them. 

“Hell no," complained Jensen, falling with fastidiousness to one side of Jared's body that looked at him with a guilty expression. 

“I'm sorry...,” he said before he stretched out his arm to pick up the cell phone that was still ringing. A shadow of worry covered Jared's face as he looked at the caller ID. “It's from home..." he said with a guilty tone. 

Jensen didn't say anything, he just covered his eyes with his forearm and took a long sigh. He didn't want Jared to see in his eyes how much that damn call affected him. 

Jared couldn't see his lover's eyes, but he knew what was going through his lover's head. He looked at him sadly, apologizing to him with his eyes still knowing that the other could not see him. He sat on the bed hugging his knees against his chest before answering. 

“Yes?” he asked with some fear. 

The voice on the other side of the line said something and Jared's expression relaxed with a smile. 

“Hello Thomas! How are you, champ?” 

Jensen pulled his arm away from his face, relieved that he didn't have to listen to a conversation between Jared and Genevieve. He turned around in bed and watched Jared continue to talk. 

Jared laughed happily listening to what his son told him, his head sometimes falling back in a laugh, moving his hair and making it slide down his back. Jensen felt his fingers tingling with the desire to slide down Jared's long column and become entangled in that hair. 

Jared's eyes glowed as he provoked and asked the boy, completely lost in conversation. Jensen felt something in his chest as he looked at him, a twinge of something he didn't know how to describe. It couldn't be jealousy, it wasn't going to be so bad to be jealous of a child, but the truth is that something was oppressing him while he listened, he felt worry, fear. 

“No, honey, I can't go yet. Dad is working now...,” said Jared. 

Pain...

Jensen closed his eyes and knew it. All the signs were ordered in his mind clarifying what he had not wanted to see until now. He slipped out of bed slowly and went to the bathroom. Jared hadn't even noticed that he was gone. 

When Jared finished the conversation, almost half an hour later, the smile was still on his lips. He turned around looking for Jensen and was surprised not to find him by his side. Then he noticed how long the call had lasted and deduced that the blond had grown tired of waiting. He felt somewhat disappointed, he would have liked to finish what they had started, but well, first he was looking for Jensen, and would take care of compensating him later. 

He got out of bed wearing jeans and a T-shirt and went straight to the kitchen where he hoped to find Jensen drinking coffee. But there was no one there, not even in the living room, still quiet walked to the door hoping to find him sitting on the porch, but nothing. Angrily he glanced around the house until he finally saw him. 

Jensen was at the pier, he saw his figure in the distance, but the distance didn't allow him to distinguish it clearly. With a smile on his lips he walked in his direction. As he approached, his image became clearer. Jensen was standing barefoot with only jeans on. He leaned with his forearms on the railing of the pier, leaving his back exposed to the sun, a sun that plucked golden sparkles from his short hair, in one of his hands he held a cup and his gaze was lost in the horizon. 

Jared's eyes shone, feeling lucky that the man wanted to be with him. Closer to his target, he sensed something was wrong. The look on Jensen's face, his frown, his tight lips, his eyes..., despite the distance that still separated them, seemed to see pain, sadness and perhaps something like acceptance. He felt his stomach shrink and began to fear approaching. A part of him screamed for him to stop his advance and run back to the cabin. But he did not. 

With a hesitant step he walked the last meters separating them, leaning his hand on the same railing on which Jensen lay, grateful for the security it gave to his body. 

“Jen?,” he asked slowly, looking at Jensen's profile. 

Jensen didn't say anything, he didn't move. Jared waited patient, well, patient was just a figure of speech, he just waited. Jensen breathed in hard, standing up, but without losing contact of the railing with his hands. 

Jared felt as if time stood still around him, unable to perceive anything, only centred on the figure in front of him and on the certainty that the moment he was so afraid of had arrived. Jensen looked at him for a moment and then looked back at the peaceful waters of the lake. 

“You're not going to do it...,” he said at last. Jensen surprised himself by sounding much calmer than he expected, he realized that deep down he had always known it.

Jared closed his eyes and swallowed with difficulty. He knew what Jensen meant. 

“Jen, I...”

“No!” He interrupted him. Jensen noticed how his voice was breaking. Jared opened his eyes and saw him in front of him, looking at him with a face full of pain. “Don't say anything else," he asked. 

“I've seen you talking to them, I've seen your face, your eyes... I've heard you... and... and I know you. God, I know you so well... I know you won't be able to separate from them.” 

Jared tried to say something, but he wouldn't let him.

“I know you love me, Jay, I know, but I don't think how much you love me is going to be enough and I... I can't do this anymore.” 

“What do you mean?” Jared asked, frightened. “Jen, please...” 

Jared wanted to get close, hug him, that couldn't really be happening. Jensen stopped him with his eyes. 

“I understand you, you know?” Jensen continued, "because I am also a father and I know that I would do everything for my daughter. I never wanted to pressure you, I never wanted to give you an ultimatum, but I want a life, Jay. I'm approaching forty, I need a life, to share it with someone, the good and the bad. Coming home and having someone, I can't stand this uncertainty anymore, these hopes that I try to feed every day, telling myself to hold on, just a little more Jen, just a little more. But I lose them Jay..., I lose them in every hidden call, in every farewell after a few days together, every time I see pictures of you and your family. All that makes me feel bad, dirty and miserable. And I don't want that anymore.”

Jared could see the tears running down Jensen's face as he felt them running down his own, but he could also see that despite the rapid breathing that shook Jensen's chest, his eyes were filled with a determination that filled him with fear. 

“Are you asking me to break up?” Jared asked, unable to find his own voice. 

“No," denied Jensen, accompanying his words with a nod. “No Jay, I don't want us to break up.”

Jared let a little hope grow in his mind.

“Jay...,” Jensen continued, taking a breath to give himself strength before continuing to speak. “Tomorrow is our last day here. I have already told you what I want, you have until then to think what you want, I only ask you to be sincere, with you and with me. When I get out of here I have to regain control of my life.” 

Jensen kept his eyes on him for a while making sure that his words had reached Jared. When he did, he walked past him to the cabin without looking back. 

Jared stood still, until he felt the trembling of his knees threatening to make him fall. In a purely instinctive movement he held on to the railing with both hands, looking without seeing, because his eyes were covered with tears, the immensity of the lake. He wanted to scream, but only a drowned moan came from his throat. He leaned over the railing as Jensen had been until a while ago, covered his face with his hands and cried, cried because he didn't know what he was going to do. 

They were separated for the rest of the afternoon, each one immersed in his own feelings, avoiding each other as much as possible. They dined together, in silence, a silence that weighed like a slab between them, throwing sidelong glances at each other, but without daring to connect any of them. After dinner Jared dropped on the couch with the TV on, but without really noticing what they were throwing out. Jensen went outside and sat on the porch swing. 

He wouldn't know what time it was when the cabin door opened and he saw Jared's face peeking out of it, looking at him with those puppy eyes that touched his soul.

“Jen...,” his voice was insecure, “it's late... aren't you going to come to bed?,” he asked shyly. Jensen looked at him for a few seconds. He saw the hope in Jared's eyes behind the fear with which he had asked. His heart shrank in pain. 

“You go," he said. "I'll go later, okay?” 

Jared's eyes shone hopefully and he forced a smile to cover the lie. He thought he'd sleep on the couch, he'd made a decision and he'd keep it. 

“Okay," said Jared with a shy smile, retiring a few seconds later and leaving him alone again. 

Jensen waited a prudent time, until he thought it was long enough for Jared to fall asleep. Trying to make as little noise as possible, he entered the house and headed for the sofa, where he fell down begging the heaven to be able to sleep and not think anymore. 

Despite Jensen's beliefs, Jared didn't sleep, how the hell could he? He felt the street door open and close and for a few minutes he waited to see Jensen appear. He closed his eyes fighting against the rampant beating of his heart, but time passed and there was no sign of him. He realized late that Jensen was not coming back, that there was no turning back and that he had left everything in his hands. 

He turned on one side, shrinking on himself, choking the sobs with a fist in his mouth and trying to think even though the devastation he felt was choking him and his head was going to explode. 

Jensen was no better, it must have been three or four o'clock in the morning and he had not managed to sleep at all. The hours fell into a heavy countdown in which his life was to be decided once and for all. Was he really going to have a life if Jared told him no? 

He remembered Dean, his character, at the end of the third season, when time was running out and hopes of breaking his deal with the demon ran out. Hell just around the corner, his hell... laughed unwillingly, that's what his life would be like. God! He loved that man and he wouldn't have him anymore. He couldn't, he didn't want to think about it. What if he said no? What if he couldn't have him anymore? Tears ran unchecked down his cheeks wrapped in that chain of thoughts and then he made a decision. 

The door to the room opened. A stunned Jared stood looking for the light switch, stopping at his visitor's plea. “Jen…” Jensen advanced, illuminated by the silvery moonlight that filtered through the window, framing him in a play of light and shadow that did not prevent Jared from noticing his nudity. 

He walked through the room, on his way to bed. His face looked beautiful in that light and his chest stood out in a hypnotic way for Jared. He climbed into bed, sitting on Jared’s legs who staring at him in surprise. He cradled his face in his hands and bent down to kiss him, making a groan escape Jared's lips. 

Jared clung to Jensen's shoulders, begging whoever was up there not to make it all a dream. 

“Jen?,” he asked again when his lips parted. 

“Shhh..." said Jensen, "don't say anything, please, don't say anything...". 

Jensen's mouth closed again over his as he entangled his fingers in his long hair. It was a slow, deep kiss, full of feelings they couldn't express in words. Their tongues slithered on top of each other, searching for each other and finding themselves in a game that no one wanted to stop. 

Jared dropped backwards, gluing his back to the mattress and dragging his lover with him. His enormous hands slid down Jensen's strong back, touching but not touching, in a rub so soft that it erected Jensen's skin as if his fingers were charged with electricity. He surrounded his ribs and let his palms prove the firmness of his belly and chest. 

Jensen groaned against Jared's mouth, biting and pulling one of his lips as he felt Jared's fingers playing with his erect nipples. Jensen hissed arching his back, causing Jared to rise high enough to take one of them in his mouth, biting it and then relieving it with his tongue. 

Jensen encircled Jared's head with his arms, drawing it against his chest while moving his hips, causing both erections to collide, causing surprise in Jared, who was looking at him without being able to believe it. Jensen pushed him back against the mattress trapping his tongue between his lips, leaving his mouth to bite his chin and then sliding his tongue on a slow, torturing journey down his jaw until it ended in his neck. 

Jared breathed with difficulty, totally devoted to the caresses of Jensen who seemed willing to take his breath away. Jensen's mouth did not stop at his neck, it continued to descend, leaving a trail of saliva between his chest, feeling the rubbing of his teeth on each of his abdominals, exciting him in a way that was already painful. He shuddered like never before as he felt the moisture and heat of his tongue sliding tortuously down his hardness. 

“Please," he begged. He closed his eyes trying to control his agitated breathing, trying not to think he was there, with his legs open and Jensen and his..., had no words to describe that mouth, among them. “Please," he asked again, closing his fingers in Jensen's short hair. 

A hoarse groan came from the bottom of his throat when he felt Jensen's mouth closing over him. Feeling the pressure of his tongue and lips drove him crazy. He never felt it that way, he didn't feel able to look, because he knew that if he did he wouldn't be able to control himself. It was all so intense, he needed Jensen, he needed to feel him inside and he needed him now. 

“Jen...,” he begged again. 

Jensen stopped knowing exactly what his lover needed. He climbed up Jared's body again, returning to the original position. He passed his arms under Jared's armpits, placing his hands on either side of Jared's head, resting his forehead on his. 

Jared looked for his eyes inquisitively and found those green eyes he loved so much full of sadness, a sadness that filled him with restlessness. He was going to ask, but an unexpected movement of the blonde left him speechless and breathless when he felt his cock wrapped in the warmth of the older man's body. 

“Jesus, Jensen! For God's sake! What…?” 

Jensen's tongue invading his mouth silenced him. Jared slid his enormous hands over his lover's thighs until they surrounded his hips, helping him in the back and forth movement he had begun. Jensen moved slowly, sliding down his cock until he almost pulled it out and then came back, penetrating deeper and deeper. 

Jensen said nothing and that was driving him crazy. Jensen's breathing was deep and heavy, his eyes were closed and his whole face seemed to be contracted in a variety of feelings that overwhelmed Jared. Jensen rose, throwing his body backwards, slid his hands from Jared's shoulders, running his strong arms over Jared's wrists, pulling them away from his hips and in front of him. 

Jared looked at him in fascination, Jensen slid the palms of his hands over his and interlaced his fingers with him. His hips were still moving, he could see the moonlight reflected in the drops of sweat that pearled his chest. He pulled him back into his body. With hands still intertwined above Jared's head, Jensen increased the rhythm of his movements as he devoured Jared's mouth to drown out his own groans. 

Jensen felt Jared's body vibrating beneath him, not only that, he felt it throbbing inside. Burning him and filling him not only in the physical aspect. He felt the tears swirl in his eyes as he felt the orgasm growing in his belly. Jensen was breaking, but at least he would take this with him. Once again, even if it was just one more time, Jared would be his just like he belonged to Jared. 

He moved against him, clinging to his hands without wanting to let go, his mouth devoted to Jared's, knowing that time was inexorably running towards the end. A few more seconds and his body tensed against his will, angry with himself, but at the same time incapable of containing himself, of containing that torrent of emotions, pleasure, love, desire... Jensen spilled into their bodies in a physically and emotionally exhausting orgasm. 

Jared followed as Jensen's body tightened around his already bursting limb. Jensen could not contain the moisture in his eyes as he felt the warmth of Jared's seed spill into him. Squeezing Jared's fingers between his own he kissed him sweetly. Jared reciprocated in the same way and only stopped when he felt the salty taste of Jensen's tears on his lips. 

“No, no, no. It can't be happening. God, no...”

He let go of Jensen's hands and surrounded Jensen's back, squeezing it tightly. Jensen let himself be done, burying his face in Jared's neck until his breaths calmed down. When that happened, Jensen tried to get up, but Jared's arms on his back weren't willing to let him. 

Jensen sighed tired, putting his hands on Jared's arms, looked at him with eyes full of sadness. 

“Please..." he asked in a whisper. 

Jared fought against their will and opened his arms, letting what he loved most escape them. Jensen got up feeling empty at the very moment that Jared left his body. Silently, he got out of bed ready to leave. Jared's hand surrounded his wrist before he could. 

“Stay," he begged, "for the rest of the night. Please.” 

Jensen closed his eyes, immersed in an inner struggle. When he opened them, Jared saw again that sadness, but also the same determination. 

“I’m sorry. I can’t…” Jensen lowered his head and let go of Jared's grip to leave the room. 

Jensen left early that morning. He hadn't slept at all and felt short of breath, so he thought it would be a good idea to take a walk there. It wasn't such a bad plan after all, those woods and everything around them were inviting to calm and that was just what he needed knowing what he still had to face. 

He got lost between them, willing to give Jared the maximum of time. He was afraid, fuck if he was. He had thrown a wager and it was time to pick up the cards. His head told him that he was going to lose, although deep down he kept a little hope. “It all ends here Jensen, anyway, you can't take this anymore. You can't back down," he said on the way back to the cabin. 

He entered the cabin, everything was silent and at first glance there was no sign of Jared. Jensen felt his heart beating in his chest at full speed. The little calm he could have found in the woods had vanished the very moment he walked through the door. He felt the sweat in his hands and wiped them against the fabric of his trousers before heading for the room.

When he got to the door frame, he saw him. Sitting on the edge of the bed, his head bowed and his suitcase packed next to him. Jensen closed his eyes in a gesture of pain. He opened them again because he needed to make sure that it was true and in its case, finish it once and for all. Jared looked at him from below, his grey eyes obscured by tears, his voice sounded sad and embarrassed to the blond's ears. 

“I don't know what to tell you...,” he said in a whisper. 

“Don't say anything...” 

Anger had settled in Jensen's voice which passed in front of Jared without looking at him, on the way to the wardrobe to start collecting his clothes. Jared got up following him, leaning one hand on Jensen's shoulder, trying to get him to turn around and talk to him. Jensen shook off the grip and continued his work. 

“Jensen please give me just a little more time," he begged. 

Jensen's body tightened. 

“How long?,” he asked coldly. 

Jared pull his hair out.

“Fuck! I don't know Jen, I don't know how long!” His tone was rising in despair. “Don't you understand? They are children, I need to see them and if I lose them, if they hate me for leaving them... Give me time, please, for.... I don't know! Explain it to them? Prepare them? I don't know!” 

Jensen continued with his back to him, his eyes closed, struggling with the desire to console the anguish he knew Jared was feeling, but he also knew that all this was only hurting both of them and that it was better to clear up once and for all. Then he'd see how he'd get over it, he'd done it once, hadn't he? 

“What have you done all year, Jared?,” he asked in such a cold tone that he himself felt the blood freeze in his veins. 

“What?” Jared muttered. Jensen finally turned to face it. His gaze was as cold as his voice. 

“I mean, what have you been doing all this year? Weren't you supposed to be fixing everything? That you were going to talk to Gen? That you had contacted a lawyer?” Once Pandora's box was open, Jensen couldn't stop. “Were you lying to me, Jared? Or did you really do any of that?” 

Jared reddened from embarrassment as he recoiled in fear at Jensen's intimidating gaze. 

“Jen... I... I've been trying, I swear,” his voice trembled trying to convince his interlocutor. Jensen squeezed the bridge of his nose with a tired gesture. His voice softened when he spoke again. 

“It doesn't matter Jared. It doesn't matter now. As I told you yesterday, I understand you, I understand your motives and I know that what you feel for me is true. But there's a limit to everything, Jay, and mine... just got here. I love you like I've never loved anyone...”

Jensen closed his eyes for a moment trying to calm down. He swallowed with difficulty, trying to undo the knot in his throat.

“I've always loved you and I think I'll never stop, but I can't go on in this role. I'm sorry, I can't. And even though every fiber of my being asks me to give you that opportunity, again... I... “

That's as far as his mettle. His voice was broken from that moment on, as was Jensen himself. 

“I know that the best thing for both of us is this. Please... if you think about it, you know I'm right.” 

Jared bowed his head, unable to face the sadness and disappointment reflected in Jensen's face. He was right. He believed that this moment would never come and now it would explode in his nostrils. For once he was going to do something right, despite the pain it caused him. He would let Jensen go on with his life because he was incapable of organizing his own. It's the least he could do after having screwed up so much and so many times. 

“I'm sorry..., I guess you're right," he muttered. His voice sounded dull and impersonal, as if it were someone else speaking for him. “I won't bother you anymore, I promise.” 

Jensen closed his eyes when he heard the dreaded words that he himself had provoked, feeling that the strenghts were abandoning him. 

“I'm sorry too," he answered, opening his eyes. When he did, Jared was gone. 

Two seconds later he heard the sound of his SUV skidding on the sand at the entrance. Noise that could not drown the one that made Jensen's heart break into pieces.

The end????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everybody.  
> Let me say something before you kill me. When I started writing this story, the ending wasn't defined, but as it unfolded and also based a bit on my own experiences, I think this was the place where it should end. 
> 
> Jared wasn't ready to drop the ballast and it's really normal that Jensen doesn't want to play that role anymore. That's why this is "my" final.
> 
> Now..., As I know that many of you will not agree, besides that I have received serious threats even from my spanish beta..., so I have written an epilogue that can be taken as an alternative ending and much happier. As many say and probably are right: There is enough drama in real life to also suffer with fics. I hope it serves me as redemption jjj. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it.


	24. Is it too late to ask forgiveness?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Now we've come to the end. I want to thank all of you who have come this far, for giving this story a chance. I hope you liked it and well, if my first finish was not within your expectations, I hope this other one repairs the damage. 
> 
> Again, thank you very much. I hope to see you in other projects.

Epilogue: Is it too late to ask for forgiveness?

 

Jared had made a firm intention to keep the promise he had made to Jensen that fateful morning and was going to keep it, even if it cost him the same life. Because that was what Jared felt, that in every day that had passed since then, that during all these months, his life was escaping him, making him a different person, a grey being who was not interested in anything because nothing already made sense to him. 

He entered a state of general apathy from which only his children or his dogs could eventually take him away. He rejected a couple of important projects, causing almost the same number of heart attacks to his agent, who already spent the day excusing him with the producers of his current job, due to the lack of enthusiasm of his represented and the problems he was having in dealing with his colleagues because of his irritability. 

That day the shooting was a disaster, they repeated the shot again and again and always failed in something, frustrated he took it out with one of the spotlights next to him and it ended up crashing against the nearest wall before the incredulous gaze of all present. The director looked at him irritably and with a sudden nod of the head ordered him to follow him. Once they were in his office he closed the door, but it would have been the same, the screams must have been heard all over the state. 

Now he was in the hotel, the director thought that three or four days of rest would be good for him and in the process he gave a break to the others to put up with him. He was almost certain that on his return, his character would suffer a necessary car accident, of course fatal. 

He dropped himself on the hotel bed, closing his eyes. He discarded from his mind the discussion with the director and his future in that production, in the background it didn't matter to him, a job more or a job less. Discarded that, only the usual was left, Jensen. Would he be ok? Would he have overcome it or would he miss him as much as he did? He had wanted to call him so many times. 

He would pick up his phone, look up the number in the contact list and look at it, sometimes for so long that he had to refresh the screen over and over again by discarding the screensaver, but he didn't dare dial. The promise he had made to Jensen wasn't the only reason, besides it, there was everything Chris had told him on that call a couple of months ago. No, he couldn't go on screwing up Jensen's life, he already hated himself and if anything happened to him because of him... He clenched his fists tightly. No, he didn't even want to think about it.

And… What was Jensen doing? Jensen was trying to get ahead. Devoted in JJ, in his work and in whatever was put in his way, even if it was bobbin lace, anything, it didn't matter to him. The only important thing is that it didn't leave him any free time, that his head didn't have a moment to distract himself and think about Jared, because if he did, everything would come back, the pain, the anguish, the reproaches and the guilt for having let himself be carried away by his pride. 

Couldn't he have endured more? Those moments with him he was happy, couldn't he be satisfied? Then he scolded himself for being carried away by that weakness. No, he shouldn't and he didn't deserve it. He would never again be the Jensen Ackles of six years ago, nor that of a few months ago. The one behind that hut, defeated and broken until Chris made his appearance to dot the i's and cross the t's. 

 

\-------------------- A few months earlier --------------------------

 

The return home, knowing that there would no longer be any future for him with Jared, was overwhelming. In an instant of good sense, he got rid of all the alcohol in his house, now he wasn't alone, he lived with his daughter and she didn't deserve an irresponsible father. But to go through all that he was feeling with nothing to help him forget, was really difficult. 

He felt that he was getting sick, the nights were endless, unable to sleep, reliving over and over again that disastrous conversation, that farewell in which they didn't even touch, of course if he remembered what it was like to have Jared by his side, it was even worse. He spent the nights arguing with himself about whether he had done well or not, and it was an exhausting discussion. 

Dark circles had become something natural in his life, day by day, the dark fences around his eyes increased considerably. He had lost weight and his freckles stood out more and more because of the paleness of his face. Every time he was alone he cried, unable to contain himself, he cried until he was exhausted and finally slept, even if only for a while. 

That's what happened that morning. After leaving JJ at school, he came home crashing on the couch and having another one of those, now so common, crises. He fell asleep minutes later. An insistent buzz made its way through his cloudy mind. He decided to ignore it, for once he fell asleep... The hum persisted inexhaustible and he felt that it was piercing his brain, with a grunt he got up from the sofa and walked to the door, because yes, the damn noise was the doorbell. 

“Hey, Jenny! Guess who's in town!” 

He opened the door and found himself facing a very cheerful Christian Kane, who smiled at him with open arms. Jensen was silent, he didn't expect it, he hadn't called him, he hadn't told him he was coming. 

Christian's smile turned to a gesture of concern when he glanced at his friend from top to bottom. The tired look, the wrinkled clothes, the red eyes, the dark circles... His gaze was filled with anger when he understood, but it turned to tenderness when he contacted his friend's green eyes, sad and ashamed. 

Christian solved the distance separating them by holding Jensen tightly in his arms. A hug that said everything. Jensen let himself be embraced in comfort, realizing how much he needed his friend, happy for the cause that had brought him to him, because in spite of the lack that he did, he had not dared to call him, but now, there he was. 

“You were right..." He sobed against his friend's neck. Christian closed his eyes and sighed as he stroked Jensen's head. 

“No, I didn't. I... I'm just an idiot.” Christian held his embrace until he felt Jensen's body relax, then he separated, yet he continued to hold his friend by the shoulders. 

“Come on Jen, let's go inside and tell me all about it.” Jensen nodded and stepped aside to let him through. 

Christian told Steve that he wasn't going to sleep that night and Jensen called his mother to take care of JJ. They spent the day talking, Jensen told him everything that had happened, the decisions he had made and their consequences. Christian listened to him attentively, supporting him in the moments when he was breaking again. He was thankful that Christian did not reproach him, but never reminded him of his warnings. 

Christian told him that he had done the right thing, that he deserved more, that he was a successful person, a man and right, that yes, would have to spend his "mourning", but soon would rebuild his life for something better, something that has anything to do with Padalecki.

“What you can't do, Jenny, is let yourself fall. I'm not going to let you. Not again. Remember that you have a daughter, now it's not just about you. You have to promise me that you're going to get ahead, if only because of her," he said. 

And he promised him, because Christian would be a brute or a brainless man, but he knew how to get serious when the situation required it and he was never without reason. Jensen felt better, he let Chris take care of him, finally getting some peace. The next morning he had made a firm determination to get on with his life. Christian bid him farewell with another affectionate hug and a: “Be careful Jenny. I'll be watching you.”

Jensen gave him an affectionate smile, knowing that Chris would always be there for him. 

Christian came home angry. Steve could appreciate it without even seeing him, only by the roar of the door of the street to be whipped by the fury of the singer. Two seconds later he appeared in the living room, where he was playing, like a furious beast. 

“He did it again!,” he shouted, walking from one side to the other. “That son of a bitch did it again!” 

Steve looked at his partner moving like a caged lion. He didn't know what it was all about, but remembering that he had been warned that he was going to spend the night at Jensen's house, he didn't take long to figure it out. The best thing in these cases, and by that he meant Chris, was to take things easy. He put the guitar aside, put on his best face of tranquility and asked in a casual tone. 

“Who are we talking about?” 

Christian stood up and looked at him as if three heads had come out. 

“What do you mean, who are we talking about? Who is it going to be?”

Steve raised an eyebrow and Christian snorted in frustration, although at least he had stopped moving. 

“From Padalecki! That's what we're talking about, that son of a bitch... Let him throw it in my face, I'm going to kill him.” 

“Hey! Hey, calm down, Chuck Norris. Come on, what happened?” 

Christian made a gesture of helplessness that filled Steve's heart with tenderness. That's why he loved that man. 

“Well, he did it again, he left Jen behind again. I told him, Steve! I told him, he wouldn't leave his family. Fuck! Why the fuck do I have to be right?” 

Christian didn't want to say anything to Jensen, he didn't want to reproach him, it took him a great deal of effort not to do it the whole day he had spent with him, listening to what he had suffered and what he was going through. He bit his tongue to be the friend Jensen needed at the time, but now at home, he felt the blood boil in his veins, he was a fool to let Jensen fall back into the nets of that selfish giant, he should have convinced him, but he didn't, and now, again, he was afraid for his friend. 

He dropped himself next to Steve on the sofa, the blond man circled his shoulders affectionately and kissed him on the temple, aware of the feeling of guilt that seized his partner. 

“He's going to be fine...” he said softly. “You couldn't do anything Chris," he said softly, "if you had faced him at that moment you would have broken your friendship. Things happen, it could have gone well or it could have gone badly, as it is the case. You just have to be there now if he needs you.” 

Christian nodded silently, Steve was right, he couldn't do anything, although that didn't diminish the anger inside him, totally focused on the person of Jared Padaleki. Steve smiled affectionately at him, ran the palm of his hand over his back, making soft circles and approached to kiss him. 

“I have to go baby, they're waiting for me in the studio. Are you going to be okay?” he asked. 

“Er... yes, of course. I'll have a drink and play for a while. Don't worry. I'll wait for you to eat.” Steve nodded satisfied and said goodbye with another kiss, this time a little longer. 

Christian remained ruminating his rage, thinking and weighing until he came to a conclusion. He was going to see to it that the bastard didn't hurt Jensen any more, even though to do so he had to break every bone in his body, and God knows he wouldn't mind doing so. He looked up Jared's phone in his contact list and didn't hesitate to call. 

Jared was at home thanking heaven for being alone and not having to pretend anything. Sitting in his office, where he was supposed to be reviewing scripts, he distracted himself by spinning a coin on the flat surface of the table, hypnotized by the movement, without thinking of anything else. 

His cell phone started ringing, moving because of the vibration. He reached forward to hold it, tilting it slightly to see the identifier. Number unknown. He frowned in doubt as to whether to take it or not. In the end he won no, he was not now for insurance offers or to know the advantages of changing mobile company. After a while he stopped ringing and sighed in relief, he could finally get back to his coin. He had just turned it over when it rang again. He snarled with annoyance, but ignored it anyway. The third one had no choice but to take it. Perhaps it was something important. 

“Hello?” he replied annoyed, ready to make clear to the salesman on duty what he thought of his insistence. 

“You'll be happy now! You piece of shit!” A deep voice, agitated and in not very good terms, was all he got for an answer. 

“What?” He asked strangely. It was clear that they had made a mistake. 

“I say, you'll be satisfied!” the voice sounded threatening. “You didn't have enough the first time, you had to do it again. Is that a promise, Padaleki?” Clearly, this did have something to do with him. “Have you set out to fuck up Jensen's life?” 

Jared went white when he heard those questions. He closed his eyes and took a long sigh, he wanted to shrink when he finally recognized the voice on the other side of the line. 

“Christian...” he muttered. 

“Kane, for you! You and I are nothing, do you understand?” The singer said, "How have you been able? Do you enjoy all this? Well, wait... Sure! It's great! You and your perfect family and Jensen warming your bed when you're on the road. Dude, you know how to do it well...” He continued biting. 

“Hey, stop it! You have no right to talk to me like that," interrupted Jared angrily. 

“I'm his best friend and I take care of him! That gives me every right to tell you that you are a miserable and a bastard. And whatever you think of approaching Jensen once more, whatever you think of calling him or damaging him in any way, I'm not going to leave a healthy piece of you. Do you understand that?” 

“Fuck you, Kane!” Jared shouted in anger, “You don't know anything!” 

“I know you're not worth his life, asshole!” 

For a moment, Kane regretted saying that, but it was only for a moment. Fuck him, he thought. 

An alarm went off in Jared's mind. 

“What are you talking about?” he asked now, mortally serious. 

A bitter but triumphant smile appeared on Christian's face, although the other couldn't see it. 

“Oh, you don't know, do you? You're so caught up in yourself and your needs that you don't know the consequences of your actions. That's what the rest of us are for, to clean up your shit and fix your messes. 

Jared didn't believe what he was hearing, what was Chris talking about? What did he have to do with it? He was getting fed up, he didn't have to put up with this guy, the only one who had the right to claim something from him was Jensen and not this idiot, no matter how much of a friend he was. 

“Look, that's enough!” Jared interrupted, "I don't have to put up with this....” 

“He tried to kill himself!” Christian interrupted with a broken voice. “That time..., he tried to commit suicide. You've got to be an asshole! You don't deserve him, you don't deserve him. If I hadn't arrived on time....”

There was a silence in which Jared could only hear Christian's gasping breath.

“I'll kill you Padalecki, do you hear me? If anything happens to Jensen again I'll kill you.” 

Jared had become white, the hand that did not hold the phone was closed tightly against the armrest of his chair, until his fingers became white from the pressure. He felt a freezing cold lodge in his bowels. 

"Jensen tried to commit suicide. Jensen could be dead. For me!" 

The harshness of that statement froze his blood. He took a deep breath to be able to answer his interlocutor who was still waiting. 

“I'm sorry...” asserted in earnest. “You won't have to worry about my Kane, anymore. I will never approach him again. I swear.” 

He closed his eyes assuming the rotundity of that promise. There would be no turning back, he didn't want Jensen to suffer for him, no more than he had already done. 

“I hope so," said Christian by way of farewell. 

“Wait!” He moaned, drowned. The lack of a tone signal from the telephone indicated that Kane was still listening. “Take care of him, okay?” He asked at the edge of tears. 

“I always do," was the answer. A second later the call ended. 

Jared stared at the mobile phone, now silently in his hand, feeling, even if it seemed impossible, even more miserable than before. 

 

\--------------------- Now ------------------------

 

After the small break, Jared returned to work. As he had well supposed, after a few small changes of script, his character died, although he had not succeeded in the form. They didn't run him over, the asshole was electrocuted in the shower. Okay, he was fine with that, He’s sure he deserved it. Without complaining about it, he limited himself to filming the scenes he had left and saying goodbye to the few who wanted to do it, the rest ignored him, he did not put importance on it either. He picked up his things and left. 

He thought that getting home would be comforting, but that idea vanished as soon as he arrived, this was not the place he wanted to be either. Gen was surprised to see him appear, did not know about the readjustments of her husband's character, seemed happy and was sympathetic when he told her the reasons for his hasty return. She was trying to please him, but all he was doing was feeling more and more annoyed and at the same time guilty, because he was also failing her. 

Discussions over the past few months were becoming more frequent, almost always provoked by him and his changing mood that he was not able to control. He spent the day sullen and in a bad mood. This grey being won the battle, because he no longer wanted to fight, he didn't find motivation in anything, not even in his children. Now they were another reason to feel bad, as he had not escaped the sometimes frightened glances that his little ones dedicated to him because of his constant mood swings. What was he becoming? 

That night he entered the kitchen where Gen was working hard to prepare some dinner. He came rubbing his eyes, his hair shaggy and sleepy face, he had been sleeping on the couch all afternoon. Dragging his feet he reached one of the stools in front of the bar and sat down looking around. 

“Where are the children?” he asked. Gen stopped what he was doing, smiling a little nervously. 

“It's Matt's birthday. They slept over at his house after the party," she replied. Jared was quiet, processing the information. 

“Okay," he said, emotionless, "I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow. He got off the stool and walked to the door. 

“Jay, wait! Aren't you going to dinner?”

Jared took a listless look at what Genevieve was preparing. 

“I'm not hungry, I'm sorry...”

“Jared!” The serious tone made him stop. “Jared, that's enough. We have to talk.” 

“Gen, please. Not now," he asked with his head down. Gen came out from behind the bar and walked up to him, holding his arm and forcing him to look at her. 

“Now, Jay!,” she said, "This can't go on like this. We can't go on like this.” 

Jared sighed defeated and let himself be led to the table where the two sat face to face. He placed his hands on the table and concentrated on looking at them as he stroked the index finger of his left hand with his right thumb, without looking at his wife who was looking at him worried. 

Gen placed his hand on his, stopping the movement. 

“It's him, isn't it?” she asked seriously. 

Jared tensed in his seat after a small flicker, staring frightened at his wife's brown eyes. She looked hurt by his reaction, but she didn't move, nor did she change the tone of her voice. 

“It's because of Jensen, are you like this because of him?” she continued. She needed to know, well, rather confirm it. 

Jared looked away in shame, felt the heat on his cheeks and wanted to cry. 

“I...” He didn't know what to say, but it didn't make any sense anymore. “I'm sorry...” He continued, confirming the woman's suspicions. 

Genevieve wanted to shout at him, to throw all that time, the deceptions, the lies, to tell him that he was a coward for allowing them to come to that situation. But she couldn't. She couldn't because the man in front of him was no longer the man she had met, he was a broken man, punished by himself, slowly turning himself off without doing anything to remedy it. 

When they met in the series she was happy, that nice and hyperactive boy stole her heart. She felt lucky when they started going out and she couldn't believe it when she saw him kneeling before her showing her a beautiful ring and asking her to marry him. It wasn't until two years later that Jared confessed to her about the relationship he had with Jensen, she was surprised, but it had been before she met, she couldn't say anything, neither was she going to be shocked because her husband was bisexual. 

They had had ups and downs during their marriage, but they had worked hard and got ahead. When Jared returned from that tribute to the series, Gen knew things had changed. When she saw them together on their visit to Vancouver, when she saw how they interacted with each other, she was clear. She put all her effort into getting her husband back, but now, almost two years later, she knew that it had all been in vain. 

She didn't know what had happened between them now, she deduced that they had broken up. Jared traveled less, rather he did not go out if it was not obligatory. She had her husband at home, it could be said that she was the winner of that surreal situation. The bad thing was, that he was no longer her husband, that person in front of her was someone else, one who she knew nothing. 

She took a breath before going on talking, giving herself the strength to go on with the decision she had made. She squeezed her husband's hands with hers and looked at him seriously. 

“Jared... I want a divorce," she said emphatically. Jared looked at her in terror, his face misaligned and pale. 

“What? No! No, Gen, please... I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'll... I'll fix it, okay? I'll fix it.”

Jared let go of Gen's hand and put his hands to his head rubbing his hair while biting his lower lip trying to control the tears. 

Gen was also trying to control her own. She looked into her husband's eyes to make her decision clear. 

“We're going to get a divorce, Jay. You know what's happening to you and so do I. You're in love with him,” all of a sudden she had a hysterical laugh. “Jay, I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for this, for Jensen!” She ran her hands over her face, removing the tears that ran down her cheeks. “It's best for both of us, you know, I don't want to have you anyway, I couldn't know that you want to be somewhere else.” 

“And what about the children?” he asked, "They're very small. I..., I don't want them to have a hard time...” he babbled. 

“Jared," she said, "children already have a hard time seeing you like this. I'm not going to take your children away from you, you're a good father, Jay, they adore you.” 

Jared didn't believe everything that was going on, but despite the sadness of the situation, he could only be deeply grateful to that woman in front of him, who was showing him a love that he felt he couldn't reciprocate. He got up to where she was and embraced her tightly. He buried his face in her silky black hair as he whispered apologies and acknowledgements that she only accepted in silence. 

Ten days had passed since that conversation. During the following days they had spoken more calmly, they took the time to explain the new situation to the children, they seemed to understand it, although they were not very happy with it. Jared picked up only a few of his things while waiting for the result of the conversation he thought he would have with Jensen. That same day he would take a flight to Austin. He was nervous, he didn't want to call him, fearing that he wouldn't pick up his phone. He just hoped he wouldn't kick him out before he could talk. 

A noise on his back took him out of his thoughts, he left his suitcase to look at himself again. Gen leaned against the door looking at him with a sad smile. He smiled as well. 

“Go get him and you better hope all this was worth it," she said. 

“Thank you for everything," he said, hugging her and giving her a little kiss on his hair.

Six hours later he landed in Austin. He got into a taxi and gave him the address. On the way to Jensen's house he felt his pulse racing, he began to wonder if that had been a good idea. What if he didn't want to see him? What if he didn't want to talk to him? What if he was with someone? God, that hadn't even occurred to him. What if Jen already had someone? What would he do then? 

He shook his head trying to get rid of the panic that was beginning to take hold of him. He took a deep breath and concentrated on what he was going to say. He knew he would have to beg, but he was willing to. He would do whatever it took to get Jensen back with him. 

At last he was there, in front of the door of Jensen's apartment, looking at the doorbell as if it were a trap that would amputate his finger with a quick movement as soon as it touched its surface. He was sure that no one had ever been so afraid of a doorbell. Just in case, he knocked on the door. 

“I' m going!”

He heard Jensen's deep voice on the other side and then his steps towards the door. His hands were shaking uncontrollably so he put them in his jean's pockets. The door opened and Jensen's quiet gesture changed to a surprise one. 

“What the...?” Before finishing, the door was already closing, he had just enough time to stop it with one of his hands. 

“Jen!” The strength to close it increased, but he resisted. “Jen, please...,” he asked. 

The door opened, but Jensen's body was still blocking the entrance. The surprise had given way to a certain anger. Jensen was on the defensive, he was normal, he was expected. 

“What the hell are you doing here, Jared?” He spat between his teeth. 

“I have to talk to you.”

“We don't have anything to talk about anymore. It's all clear now. Please go away.” 

“I'm not leaving here without talking to you Jen," he said seriously but with a small smile. Jensen's green eyes blinked perplexed. With an abrupt gesture he moved away from the door and let him pass. 

“Say what you have to say and go away," he grunted. 

Jared approached trying to take his hand. Jensen saw him and backed up tense. Jared stopped sorrowfully.

 

“I want to be with you Jensen. I need to have you by my side again. I miss you so much that it hurts.”

Jensen looked at him intensely. He felt his heart shrink in his chest. Why was he saying that to him? Why was he torturing him like that? 

“I tried to go on with my life, not to bother you, I promised you that day, I promised Chris.” 

“Chris?” Now he didn't understand anything. Jared scratched his neck in a gesture that Jensen recognized as nervousness. 

“He... he told me that you...” Jared sounded tense and worried. 

Jensen looked at him with his eyes wide open, understanding what he was talking about. Anger took over him again. Is that why he was here? Out of pity? He moved purposefully towards Jared, holding him by the arm and pulling him towards the door. 

“Don't worry about me," he grunted, "I'm fine and I have no intention of hurting myself. I'm not that person anymore. Now please go.” 

“What?!” Jared shook himself away from Jensen. “Fuck! No! That's not why I'm here!” he exclaimed, holding Jensen by his shoulders and forcing him to look at him. Jensen's green eyes were gnawing at his with fury. 

“Let me go!,” he shouted, "Jared! Let me go!” 

 

“No! I came to you to listen to me and you're going to do it. Then, if you want, I'll go.” 

Jensen cursed in Aramaic, but finally gave in. “Speak," he said, "but let me go.”

He continued to glance at Jared's hands over him. Jared let him go, his hands raised in peace. 

“I love you Jensen” it was better get to the point. “I have no life if you are not by my side. It's not me, I've lost jobs, I don't feel like anything, I'm scary even to my children," he said sadly. Jensen was now looking at him curiously, he could see the sorrow in Jared's eyes and wanted to embrace and comfort him, but he stood firm. 

“I have left him with Genevieve.”

Now Jensen was surprised.

“She asked me for a divorce, she discovered it because of the way I behaved, she told me that it was more than clear that I was in love with you. Can you believe it? I seem to be obvious to everyone," he said downcastly, laughing unwillingly. “I know it's late Jen, I know I've done a lot of things wrong and I've hurt you with my cowardice. God...” The tears were beginning to run down her face. “It was even Gen who made the decision for me. I'm pathetic...”

Jared turned his back to Jensen, embarrassed and unable to look at him anymore. He felt his gaze glued to his back. He had no courage, so it would be easier, he wouldn't have to see Jensen's face if he rejected him. He ran his hand over his face trying to wipe away the tears. He took a breath and continued. 

“I know... I know I don't deserve you, but this is my last chance. If you... if you want... I...” He didn't know how to go on. The silence in the room was becoming overwhelming. Wasn't he going to say anything? No, he wasn't going to. He had been stupid once again. It was late, it was too late for him. 

Jared had his back to him, his arms in jugs and the visible trembling of his body caused by the sobs. He knew he had to say something, but what could he say if he had even run out of breath? Jared moved, he saw one of his hands lifting up to his face, he must be drying his eyes. 

“I'm sorry...” Heard him say. “I realise it's too late now. The better... the better I go...” 

Jensen began to come out of that mist he seemed to be in.

“I won't bother you again. Thanks anyway for listening to me.” 

Despite his daze, Jensen reacted quickly to Jared's fleeing movement, and at once his arms closed over Jared's chest, luring him against him. 

Jared came back to life when he felt Jensen's arms over him and the comforting warmth of his chest on his back. He laid his trembling hands on them gratefully. 

“I'm not going to let you get away...” He heard in his ear. “Not again...” 

Jensen buried his nose in his neck, inhaling intensely, recognizing there the smell of the beloved person. Slowly he spun Jared in his arms, the eyes of both covered with tears, but this time there was no sorrow, no pain, no fear..... There was only hope, hope and happiness. 

Jensen held Jared's face in his hands, looking at him with intensity, letting his eyes express everything he didn't feel able to say, Jared's gray eyes understood and reflected even feelings. His lips united in a slow, soft kiss, knowing that each one's place was on the other's lips.

THE END


End file.
